I try cleaning the kitchen to keep my mind occupied. Today is the day I get the phone call. Do I have cancer or don’t I? I try no to look at the mole on my fore arm that has doubled in size over the past six months. It’s hard to believe that something so mundane could be so life changing. I never really thought about moles at all and now I can’t keep my mind off of it.

Bzzz

I scramble into my pocket to pull out my cell phone.

Hello?

Hello is this Cassandra hill?

Yes

Date of birth please.

4/12/88

Thank you. I have the results from your biopsy. You requested the results over the phone correct?

Yes I did.

The results are third stage cancer positive. Dr brown wants to schedule a follow up appointment for a plan of action.

I figured the results would be positive. Still, I wasn’t prepared. I don’t know how to react.

Hello?

Yes thank you.

Once I set up the appointment, my mind just goes into over drive. Surgery? Chemo? What options do I have? What kind of life should I choose? Quantity vs quality? Will I survive this? Are there alternatives? Will it be worth it in the end? Will I live?

Ping

I assumed the appointment for the drs showed in my email so I bend my head down to look. Nope. It’s an add. Friggin a. Don’t I have enough to deal…. Wait a minute. I couldn’t believe the fortuitous nonsense claim I have ever seen in my life. It says:

Revolutionary. Finally a true product… that can show how you die! No more second guessing the future!

I guess the internet is not only listening in on our conversations but it can read minds too! Hmm makes sense (insert sarcasm). Still….

Yes I ordered it. What have I got to lose? And it came almost immediately, like the the afternoon of the morning I ordered it. Have I used it? Not yet. After all, is my death really something I want to see? I have until the day after tomorrow to decide. That’s when my dr and I will discuss treatment options. Maybe tonight’s the night.

I read the instruction label. Just add three drops of water to powder then place liberally over each eye lid. I stared at that thing for two hours. I was just trying to imagine what it would be like watching myself die. At least not knowing I have some shrivel of hope that the treatments will work. Is that what living is really about? Hope? I can’t do it tonight. I just can’t.

I slept soundly and even peacefully last night after I made the decision not to use the stuff. I even congratulated myself on finding the real meaning of life. But tonight is different. Tonight I have to know. Isn’t life about discovering and finding answers? So I did it. Three drops of water and I applied the stuff on liberally. I fell asleep immediately.

I can’t say I slept well. I can say that I walked to the dr office confident. Whatever we came up with for a plan was going to work.

Now I just have to keep myself from falling in love with him… the doctor…. My murderer.