As I have grown, I learned that pleasing everyone is impossible.

But pissing everyone off…that is easy.

So that’s what I did.

My crew called me the ‘distraction’. I would say I was more of the performer, giving the guards something to look at instead of wretched townsfolk walking past and dirty streets. The castle ahead was grander than I remembered, and more gaudy - a real sight for sore eyes…if you want those eyes to get worse. As my crew slipped into the castle unnoticed, I would keep the guards occupied.

The rifles within the guards’ hands immediately raised as I stepped onto the castle ground, hands in my pockets. My fancy clothes were strange to wear; they were constricting and not very breathable, but I must admit I did look good in my maroon suit.

“Woah, woah my good sirs,” I called to them, as if they were way further than they actually were. I raised my hands in mock surrender. “I advice you both not to shoot.”

“And why should we do that?” One of the guards grunted.

I laughed, maybe a bit to theatrically, but it really worked with the insane man vibe I was going for.

“I mean…I don’t see why you can’t shoot. Just not now! I have something to tell thee!” I bowed, a hand on my chest.

The other guard scowled. “You are a thief, are you not.”

“What is a thief but a reflection of greed in the hearts of those with too much?” I paused, letting the words drift within the air. “Not that I am a thief, that would be ludicrous.”

I kept speaking. I’m not sure how long I spoke for, but it was probably for a while. However, I wouldn’t call my large mouth a flaw, I would just call it a way of expressing my very controversial beliefs.