I can still see the mobile moving above my head The blackout The wake up The pain The sorrow

She heard it She heard it all She heard the weeping cries She heard the silver lining through the lies She heard the echoes of arguments past She heard the overwhelming silence of when she’d seen him last She heard the weakness in his voice She heard them tell her she had no choice She heard a soft “I love you,” to her surprise A thundering whisper was her demise

The pain can be unbearable It is eating away at Her She thinks “free” is impossible Her heart is the obstacle It’s late night, Tuesday Do You miss how You used me? How I believed You would choose me? I’d take priority over a phone I wish You’d leave me alone

If wishes fell like rain, then certainly I am a storm My tears each individual drop Hopeful since I was born Disappointed just as much, so it’s all the same I never thought it’d hurt to hear your name I crossed my t’s and dotted my i’s I ignored the signs and believed the lies I lost it all I lost my mind I vow to leave this life behind

The meaning of life? The meaning of life is just to find happiness. Make every part of your life add to your happiness. If it does not add, do not accept.

Light illuminating the window pane Light illuminating my eyes I see myself fully I see myself for the first time I’d slept through life without a thought of myself I’d now awoken to a life that’s safe for my health Self love Self respect Self esteem Self reliance I am both David and Goliath

Dear Diary,

I guess this is it. Everything is finally coming to an end. I say finally, because the pain has consumed not only my body but my mind, for all of my life. Peace is all I want to feel. I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt at peace.

I feel like my exit will be my peace. The afterlife will be my peace. I’ve had an image in my mind of what it will be like, or if I even believe in it. Often times, I debate reincarnation. I have a narrative in my head for all possibilities for what happens after. Yes, I am that uptight that I need a game plan for my potential afterlife. It’s similar to being the person who gets invited to dinner, but has to look up the menu, the parking situation, and how late they’re open, so you know when you can make your great escape. It’s me. I’m that person.

In the case of reincarnation, I tell myself that we are all living all of these lives simultaneously and you will come back across timelines. In one solid “lifetime” I will be you and you will be me. I will also be John F. Kennedy and Lady Gaga. They are all me and I am you. Does this make sense? Once you’ve lived every life that ever was and ever will exist, you kind of “graduate” into something larger. Something like a god.

In the case of dying and going to a type of “heaven,” I see “heaven” to be whatever you want it to be. If it’s spending every moment with the love of your life on a park bench, then that’s your heaven. If you want to spend every moment hiking through forests and mountains, then that’s your heaven. Even if it’s going to your 9-5 every day and coming home to a loving family and doing it all over again the next day, that’s your heaven.

I think about death because I have to.

I think about death to prepare myself.

I think about death for comfort.

I have a terminal illness that is not often talked about.

I have borderline personality disorder.

I cannot allow myself to live like this anymore. Luckily, we live in a world where with a specific and lengthy psychological evaluation, I can elect to end my life via physician assisted suicide.

This is the part of the story where the audience is divided. I want to document my journey and give the world a chance to understand this diagnosis from our perspective. How your brain is like a torture device and the thoughts are what rip you apart.

Stay tuned, diary.

A kiss From strange lips A glance From pure eyes But I still miss your head between my thighs

She’s no longer lying there Like a crucifix Ready to sacrifice herself for your sins Sins you don’t think you’re committing Because men cannot sin Woman holds the curse of being the sinner Betrayer of a god Betrayer of man Cursed and punished for eternity By the shackles in our mind To always take h(H)is side To stand by and defend That’s a “good” woman’s role No matter the cost to her One day enough is enough One day she falls out of love Inner strength becomes overwhelming Self love and respect abundant A clean slate with a chance to have more And not to beg Not to lose her identity Not to relinquish control But to obtain control Control of her mind, body, and soul He will think she’s a traitor In picking sides she chose her own

I’m not a traitor I was never on your side.

My guardian angel She lost hope with me She forgot to protect me I forgot to let her Now there’s a battle with her in my head She tells me what to do I ask her where she was when I was at my lowest “I was the little voice in the back of your mind I was the glimmer of hope that helped the sadness subside I told you not to give up on yourself I told you not to tuck your feelings away like an old book on a shelf I was there for you the entire time Theres a reason why they say that love is blind”