_I quit my job. I wonder if you’d ever go there and look for me when you enter. I doubt you’d even remember right? It’s not worth working there anymore. I wish I could see you everyday. I wish that at least once I could see the longing for me on your face and in your lonely eyes. Do you long for me? I long for you. Everyday. Every second. Every time I think about it all it shatters my heartstrings all over again. I wonder if this will be the cause of my death. Would you cry? Would you cry for me? Would you Shed even one lonely tear? I wonder if you’d say anything. I wonder what you’d do. Would you replay the memories of me in your mind? Would you miss me? Even for a second? Miss me. Please miss me. I want you to long for me. Long for my touch. My breath. My words. My eyes. My everything. I want you to long for me like how I long for you. Everyday I long for your eyes to stare at me how they once did before. _

Y_ou are stained. Stained in every memory that I have. You have tainted even my happiest of memories. The places I love to go to I can’t go anymore because I see you. I see your face in every route I go. I can’t get you out of my head. I wonder if you think about me half as much as I do you. You were my home, but I never was yours. I will never understand what you felt for me. Surely you wouldn’t do that with anyone right? You didn’t do it with her, does that make me special? But you loved her, you didn’t love me. So in more ways than one I lost. I miss you bee._

If my body turned cold today, would you miss me tomorrow? When you see my cold face and my pale skin would you regret everything you never said? Would you regret everything you ever did to me? Every touch. Every word. Every second spent on those Tuesday nights. Would you want it all back? I want to get into your head like you did mine. I want to walk those twisted roads in your brain. I want to know everything your thinking about. Every feeling you possess and every thought that runs across your mind. Tell me what your thinking. Tell me everything you didn’t get to. Please?

What would it take for you to finally and genuinely love me? Would you ever or would you just feel regret? How about guilt? I should resent you but I can’t find a bone in my body that feels that way. I know I’m being used. I notice it more and more each day. I wish you would notice how you’re making me feel. I shouldn’t have to unclothe myself for you to love me. Notice me. Or even want me. But thats the thing, you don’t even love me. I don’t even think you love my body. Maybe you crave the attention I bring to you. Maybe if I go for the last time then you will notice. I want to tell you how much I feel like I’m being used. You say im special snd you don’t regret ‘getting to know me’ but you genuinely never made any effort to try to get to know me. You just wanted to get into my skin. Under my clothing and into my head. You’ll always know where my door is. No matter how hard to try to disguise it or how much I change and decorate it you will always pick the lock and let yourself in. I love you and we can’t be friends nor anything else. You never took the time to notice what I like. You don’t even know my favourite colour. Or food. You don’t know my favourite animal or what I want to do with my life. You do not know me b. You never really have. Can’t you see your brain is polluted?

_I think of you when I go there. When I see the hills rolling out my window I look for your face. Seeing those long winding roads knowing you have driven them a thousand times, without me. A thousand times will never be enough if we never drive them together. We could be staring at the same moon, at the same time, and not even know it. We could be wishing in the same stars. But I know we would be wishing for different things. Vastly different things. That was always the problem with me and you. We always wanted different things. I don’t know what my force of attraction was towards you. I could never really pinpoint it. I’ll wonder it forever im sure. _

_I deleted your number though I didn’t know you were coming back 2 years later. This time last year I hated you and cringed at the sound of your very name. My heart still folded in the squares of my pocket. I still wonder what you did with the note I gave you. I don’t even remember what I had written down. I could swear on my life you had thrown it out the window within the first 10 minutes of holding it in your callused hands. Your hands were always unique. They always had dirt on them. Like it was etched into your skin, unable to scrub away. And those boney fingers that looked like there was nothing but skin wrapped around a thin stick. Though somehow I still remember them. And how I remember them I cannot forget. You made sure of that. Indelible is what I called you. Indelible. I bet you didn’t even know what it meant. _

You are not the boy I fell for. The boy i fell for would never have done that. The thought wouldn’t have ever crossed his lonely mind. I don’t know who you are but you really aren’t the one I hoped for. All the stars I wished on for you are wasted. And the river of tears that have fallen from my empty eyes can all go down the drain pipe. As well as the many sobs, screams and sleepless nights

I want to feel your chest rise and fall. My hand between your ribs, above your heart on your warm skin. Hearing it thump at its own pace. Feeling as your lungs take long deep breaths. Listening to you inhale and exhale. All the while locking eyes with one another. Deep looks.

__ __ I want to do the things you like. I want to go on camping trips with you. And go swimming with you in rainforest rock pools. In a small black bikini. I want to be wrapped up in a blanket laying on you, watching as the fire crackles and pops on the beach sand. I want to sleep in the same tent as you. I want to be close to you. I always want to feel your touch. I want you to tell me about the things you like. Like fishing, camping, cars and whatever you like. I want to stare at you as you tell me excitedly of all the things you like.

My father’s birthday will forever remind me of you. And when the birthday candles come out, I see you in the back of my mind. A place where you are hidden but not forgotten. When the moon comes rolling in bright and new i think about the time we watched it from your car and how it reflects off of the silver waves crashing and winding down below with the rocks.