I grew up in your average town, with the average grades, and your average looks. I grew up alone. I wasn’t physical alone because I lived with my dad but I was emotionally alone because he never showed he cared much if at all. I’ll be twenty tomorrow. He wouldn’t remember if it weren’t also the anniversary of the worst day of his life. I go and sit on the couch and take out her diary. It’s pink and fuzzy with her initials DSP stitched on the front. Every day she would write he entry in a different color pen. I smirked at how silly my mom was. I never got to meet her so all I have are the moments to try to learn about her. dad never speaks about her and when I’ve asked in the past it’s been a lot of one word answer or yes and no. Not much detail from him. I turned the page to the end and read over my moms entry from today.. but from 20 years ago. June 25th 2000. I started to read aloud. “ sitting here… on the tailgate of the truck looking out at Robert cutting the grass. He always said he liked to start cutting the grass as the sun was settng cause if he had to do it might as well make it enjoyable. He loved the sunsets almost as much as he loved me. The burnt orange redish look, he always said that was his favorite color. I can feel my baby girl kicking inside my belly. It’s like she can feel my happiness at this moment. This beautiful moment looking at the dimming sky and my handsome husband. It can’t get any better than this. “ That was the last entry. I read through this everyday and everyday I wonder if things could have been different. This entry is time stamped 6:52pm. I was born June 25 2000 7:24 pm. It wasn’t even an hour after my mom wrote about how happy she was did all of that change. I guess that why my dad doesn’t experience joy much. I always wonder if my dad’s favorite color changed from that night. My mom died on the bed of his burnt orange truck with red and orange skies. He brought me into this world in those same skies on that same night. I’ve never had the courage to ask him his favorite color, but I’ve never seen him cut the grass at sunset.
“No. I…need to wait. I’m not ready to forgive you yet. ”
“Please Rachel… I know I fucked up and I know I need to get help and I will. I’ll go in the morning and I’ll talk to someone.
“ you’ll talk to someone? Talk to someone? Just talk? This is why.. exactly why I shouldn’t forgive you! You think just talking to someone is going to fix what you did!
“I know it doesn’t fix….anything. I can never fix anything! But you can’t leave me here in this city all alone! We moved here together to be together and build our lives… If you leave me then what… what will I do without you”
“Ughhh you’re gonna make me throw up, all I see when I look at you is her. Now get out! I don’t want to look at you anymore”
“Okay I’ll leave tonight so you can have the place to yourself but you can leave me! you don’t have … you don’t have anywhere to go!” “I never said I was leaving but you’re making me want to leave… actually .. you know what you can stay here. I’ll go somewhere else tonight… Where are my car keys? Have you seen them?”
“ please Rachel just stay here… let’s just stay here today and remember what it used to be like with us, us before everything went to shit.”
“ I. I. I. Can’tttt. I want to. In really do but what I said is true. Looking at you makes me sick.. All I see is you with her..Daniel. I see….her… on your lap in the seat of your truck. I just stood there and then you both turned your head and looked at me and both your faces went white like you saw a ghost. Her eyes met mine and then she smiled like she had won….I had a feeling.. deep in my gut for a long time. You’ve changed me and not in a good way. How many times??? This is not the first girl. How many times do I have to catch you cheating Daniel!! It’s obvious you don’t love me”
“ noo I do b….”
“Shutup! I don’t care I’m leaving ! I need to think and I don’t know how long but I need you to not contact me until I reach out to you. I need space from you and all this and all the stree and shame you’ve brought me.”
“ buttt what about the appointment Monday, I don’t want to miss any! I deserve to be there ! I’m the father!”
“You should have thought about that before you fucked your coworker!! You did this!! Not me! And if you don’t back off I won’t have anything to think about! I won’t come back ever! So give me space until I want you back in my life or lose me forever Daniel, I don’t really care anymore. My hearts broken enough I’m not sure I should ever give you the chance to break it again.”
“Please…I love you Rachel ”
….
Glory Glory for the good Wholeness for the mind Wellness for the soul Awakening is the goal I go up to battle Return with disgrace I went along with Victor And gave you mercy and grace I hole up in this village And wonder through the woods Hoping one day I’ll awaken And carry home the goods My heart is stabbed by your words The words of a man on the edge The edge of fury and fear That when awakened You’ll disappear
She was a tiny women, not an inch over five foot I would say. I first got a glance of her from behind. I say a green bikin string hi ding behind a handful of brown knotted wet hair. You could smell the salt water dripping from her skin. I walked closer and got a glide of her face. She looked at me with bright green eyes and a smile that stuck me still. I stood motionless and stared at the face of what I believe to be an angel. Full pouty lips just asking to be kissed and curly hair just waiting to be wrapped around my fingers late at night. My mind was driving quick I had to do something. I looked up at the sky and thought about my girlfriend back home and that I should turn around right now and never look back but next thing I know the words, “ come to dinner with me tonight?” Are coming out my mount and my heart stops when those full red reds form a smile again and say where are we going. I gripped her hand in mine and it just feels so right and pull her petite hourglass figure close to me but still not roughing and say where ever you want, I just want the chance to get to know you. She laughs with a little chucked and flicks her one brown hair behind her back and pulls away. She turns away so quick I don’t know what happens. I stand there and watch her walk away with such a beautiful sway that I fight the urge that chase after her. She tiny round butt swaying back and fourth. Her tiny legs can’t kept up with how fast she wants to go and she ends up tripping.
