The headache was overwhelming now. She let out a faint cry as she put her hand to her head. She barely even noticed that people had started to stare. She quickly paid at the self checkout and left the pharmacy. She shakily fumbled through her purse for her car keys, overly aware of the sweltering mid day sun overhead. She swayed a little, just catching herself from falling. Light was glimmering at her off of a broken piece of glass and it felt like an arrow to her already throbbing head. She felt so dizzy. Before she knew it, she felt herself hit the hard pavement. It strangely didn’t hurt. It was almost as if she was watching herself fall, from a distance. That’s when she saw.. him. He was staring down at her with that smile she’d never forget, the one he used to give her that made her heart completely bottom out and soar all at the same time. She missed him so much. Just as suddenly as the flash of him appeared, it left. But it gave her a deep release that she didn’t know she’d been needing. She clicked the unlock button on her car key she’d somehow managed to grab hold of in her earlier dissent. She found the strength to pull herself up and into the drivers seat of her grey ford focus. She was glad she’d put the sun visor up because she didn’t want concerned onlookers to see her violent release of tears. How could his memory still haunt her, even after all these years? As much as it hurt, she was glad. The flashbacks and vivid dreams made it like he hadn’t really left her here on this spinning sphere without him. The crying always soothed her somehow. Feeling it.. was really, the only way. Somehow it always brought her back to some semblance of contentment again for a time. But she knew, she wouldn’t have it any other way. The flashes gave her hope. Hope that life is much more than what the hand can feel and the eye can see. She now also believed in, hoped in, and lived in, a reality that only the heart can see.

Tired, early waking Wanting to do well But feeling myself failing Extra hours, preparing Shoulders searing, Body and mind Crying, yelling, for a break Grueling day followed by Fear at night What if I can’t do this Hours now of this sickness, Rendering me weak And utterly broken Finally, I reach out to you Why do I always forget You are my life line Time after time Help me once again Like I know you did before Cancel out this fear Cancel the despair that Lingers with me still Some of it I’m attached to now The pain reminds me, Only of great love Don’t eliminate it, just equalize it Equal part good, equal part bad It’s part of me now Maybe it always was, Maybe it wasn’t Either way help me find my way, There, To the place where I am strong This path has been so long But I’m looking for something new now, The power of your hand, That is where the true journey begins

Sunken, sullen, Faint and dizzy— I sit and give in And you are happy to take me Finally— you have me now And I weep— Shaking bitterly as you envelop I meet again the hardest truth Oh wellspring of my deep, wash me— Let me float here for a few real moments In the only place that I can really feel the sun