She slid across the table to sit across from me. “Hey, I’m Sadie!” The girl said. She waits for my response. “And you are…?” She says after a minute. I shake my head and look back to my food. “Are you like a mute or something?” She asks. I nod. “For your entire life?” I shake my head. “What’s happened?” She asks. Tears are starting to swell but I wipe them away. Memories of my dead brother are not ones I’d like to keep. “Ok…” Sadie says. “Are you only going to talk to like favorite people? Like your mom?” I nod. I do only talk to my favorite people. Sadie looks off into the distance before turning back to me. “Well mute or not, I’ll still be your friend.” She says. I smile and wait a few seconds. “I’m Eileen.
“When the time comes, be ready.” Eileen says to me over the phone. Confusion fills me, but by the time I have to wonder what to be ready for, she’s already hung up.
I check the clock and see the time. 12:38am. Oof, I have to get up at 6 tomorrow. A couple more minutes scrolling on my phone won’t hurt, right? I go back to my phone. Eileen’s words keep strolling through my head. What did she mean?
I text Eileen; “What time? Ready for what?”
Eileen responds; “12:40”
I continue to text her, asking what’s to come, and am or pm, stupid things like that. I was to busy trying to find out how to be prepared, that I didn’t notice the clock hitting 12:40, and my closet door slowly opening.
Pain fills my heart as I look at the empty frame. I will never be the same, because of the empty frame. My heart is blue, because of you. I remember how we talked about filling that frame with our secrets that were locked. But now you are gone forever peaceful resting, but are you now testing the loyalty of keeping the empty frame.
I don’t know what happened to my life. Well, wooden life. I don’t know how I accidentally impaled my fake father.
It happened when I reached high school. I still hadn’t become a boy, my nose become so long daily that the fairies decided to reset it every day or I’d die.
I was walking to school and some guy said I looked ugly. I lied and said I was getting plastic surgery. One nose chunk goes up. He doesn’t notice. He tells me I don’t deserve friends. I lie and say I befriended a famous tik toker. What a stupid lie.
I get home with a nose so long, it was half my 5” tall self. I turn around and bam! My dad is dead. Just like that. Just. Like. That. And I don’t regret it. Maybe this is a sign, not a curse.
So that’s how I decided to be the “Lying Killer”.
My white shirt was stained red. Your consistent ex, would not return to bed. My love is untainted. When you saw me, you fainted. You called me the devil, at the starting level. You said you hated him! You hated your ex, Tim! You wished him dead, and now I bring his head. You said you’d always love me, even if I couldn’t see. Even if I killed someone for you? Even if my face was red not blue? Or would you always hate me, too? Even if I killed someone for you.
“You’re the smartest kind of stupid.” Eileen says, looking me straight in the eyes. I see a small smile creeping up her face, the first hint that this is a joke.
“Oh, shut up.” I say rolling my eyes. “It was only a 22 percent.”
“Exactly my point!” Eileen exclaims. “You’re failing all your classes!” Eileen does have a point here, but I would not let her know that.
“So? It’s not like I’m getting into Harvard or anything anyways.” I start to walk away, but Eileen grabs my arm.
“Come on, Emma.” She says, as I turn around. “If you work hard, you can get into Harvard! I know you do want to get in!”
“Harvard’s stupid, just like you thinking I can be anything in life. I’m going home. Bye.” I say these last words harshly and storm off to my house.
I sat in my bed the night me and Eileen fought. What she said really got into my head. What if I could get in? What if I really tried and failed? I had to decide something soon, junior year is almost over and this might be my last chance…
2 Years Later
“Eileen!” I call from my house. “Come on, let’s go to dinner!”
“Coming babe!” Eileen calls from her house. I see her running from her house in a cute red dress. She hops into shotgun, and we share a quick kiss.
“I’m so excited!” I say after I finally start driving. “I can’t believe we are in the same college!”
“I’m so proud of you, Emma.” Eileen says. “You really changed your life.”
I guess I did. I’m sitting in my car with my girlfriend, and we’re about to go celebrate me getting into Harvard. What a change.
I hate life. But pain is shared, right? I’m joking. No one understands hatred better than me. Hating yourself can be normal, of course. Normal-ish. Maybe. “Believe in you!” They say. “Oh, shut up.” Is my retaliation. Loving being rude equals bad. Or no. Love fearing, more like it. Hate living. “Equal rights” people chant repeatedly. Just repeated constantly. Why? That question looms over everyone. Always looming. Don’t make bad choices. Pretend someone watches sleep eat survive cry die. Watching deadly best worst wimpiest single coupled normals. Watch.
After the stroke I can’t talk much. Well I can think, but I’m physically unable to speak more than ten words.
“The stroke hurt me so much, that I can’t talk.” I say to mom.
“I know, sweety. I know.” She responds.
“I can’t talk much.” I say. Mom gives a weak response and pats me on the back. I want to cry, but I can’t. I just can’t. I want to say more, but I can’t.
I just can’t.