i always thought i would grow tall but this did not come true at all in fact i'm smaller than before the search for love became a bore

i want to feel, i want to know i want to love, i want to grow i want to see, i want to care but now i only see you stare

i want to hide beneath your skin i want to feel it, let me in i have a detailed fantasy of a shared kiss beneath the tree

I don't understand it They are just toys But some are for girls and some are for boys

I don't understand it I just want to know What it would be like In my own little home

We talked about colours And I prefer pink They thought I was joking But that's what I think

I don't like big fights I don't like trucks and cars I like pretty fairytales And cute popstars

I wish I could like what I want without fear. Dear Santa, I wish for a dollhouse this year.

When I go outside, the first thing I see Is my trampoline right behind the old tree I climb the tree often, it makes me feel tall Never too high, I'm afraid I might fall

Sometimes in the summer I'll play hide and seek And meet all my friends at the end of the creek I know all the spots, so I always win Until it gets dark and my mom says “come in”

i felt alive for a bit. why is he riding a bike? no idea no information i have to accept it it could be the desert or the rising sun it is likely the guilt of seeing him drive away without worries to me, at least since i don't know him i only know yellow it's all i ever knew all i can see and wonder about and wander about

my heart was full and way too busy carrying my trembling feet “stand right next to me” i pleaded once i turned around the sheet

bright screen lights from everywhere but i'm doing what i must faces blurry from the vision other people set for us

grabbing at you like a straw sorry i'm a mess right now all of this is way too much but there's no way to back out

breath is catching in my throat and suddenly my head gets clear nothing matters anyway and no one knows i'm acting here

so if i just perform too well they will not look beyond my shell i need no mask and no costume to be looked at in every room

it naturally comes to me my masquerade ability and sometimes it feels like a chore and i can't take it anymore

sometimes i rest my head inside my hands and i grow tired of following demands

i locked myself in. i can't keep it up. i searched for an exit. so far without luck.

i think i should tell you, i haven't rehearsed. but you know the script, and that makes me feel worse.

i still try to learn it. i improvise words. but being autistic can feel like a curse.

I've always been lightly out of place. Displaced in everybody's minds. As something I never was and never will be.

You carefully watched me, each time I grew. In contrast to yours, my wings aren't blue. The light, unlike yours, shone not as a force. Instead it came from an external source.

I flew; unlike you, I had no clear goal. You were so pretty when I saw you sleep. Symmetrical, perfect, a delicate slumber. Like 360 turns, my thoughts went number. I circled around the one thing I wanted.

Unlike my thoughts, they made me spiral. And the fool I was, I allowed it to happen. Eventually they'd had to stop, right? There had to be some other light.

I sought within myself, but to no avail. The bigger I was, the more I felt frail. Lost in my purpose, and never like you. Tangled between dreams and the harsh truth.

Despite all my efforts, I am but me. Defined not by wishes, but by who I'll be.

Two friends were meeting in the local mall. They hadn’t seen each other in a long time, and the boy, Ben, sat on a bench while waiting for his friend Mary to arrive.

“Hey”, she squealed.

“I missed you.”

Ben was shaking, as the voice of his dearest friend echoed through his senses, numbing them.

He has never been good with responding to people. With words. Even when it was Mary. The person he enjoyed talking to the most, because she understood him.

He also had a crush on her. The reason he became so stiff and nervous in her presence was not her fault though.

Ben had an anxiety disorder. He couldn’t speak, he’d get all nervous when someone tried to talk to him. But he, of course, wanted to keep his tough exterior, so he managed to reply in short sentences.

“H-Hey Mary”, Ben stammered and smiled as good as he possibly could, with sweat forming on his forehead. A rather unpleasant sight, and he was aware of it.

But what was really awkward was that she had been away from him long enough to not know about his newly diagnosed disorder which he always showed slight symptoms of - but for some reason, they were even more severe today.

He wanted to explain it to Mary, but at the second he opened his mouth about to speak, the brunette girl was already eager to run into the first shop. A basic clothing store.

“Come, Ben!”, she yelled. They entered the cool store, cool enough to let the droplets of sweat on Bens forehead freeze, stopping them from falling down.

Mary didn’t notice any of this as her attention was already directed towards some new, red trainers. Ben wandered aimlessly through the store, not searching for anything specific, just hiding his anxiety. He tried to focus on some shoes for himself and there were in fact some platform boots he really wanted to have.

So he grabbed them and walked over to Mary who was still deciding on whether or not to buy these red trainers she saw. “Um, Mary”, Ben whispered.

“I would buy these boots now if that’s okay for you.”

Mary laughed, obviously shocked by how submissive he acted. She replied “Sure you can, you don’t need my permission.”

So Ben awkwardly thanked her and walked over to the counter. Luckily, the queue wasn’t very long. Only an elderly lady was in front of him, picking out each cent per hand.

Worriedly, the cashier looked over to Ben but he gave her a shy smile, signaling her that it’s alright. He had time.

Then finally, it was Ben’s turn, and he proceeded by laying the platform shoes on the counter.

The cashier scanned them, and Ben pulled out his wallet.

She told him the price. Ben was a bit shocked as he heard it - but there was no going back. So he paid the price.

“Thank you.”, the lady responded. “Enjoy your new boots.”

“Thank you, goodbye.”, was Ben’s hushed answer. He walked out the store only to find that Mary was nowhere to be seen.

So he walked back in the store, but there was no one who looked for him, except the cashier who seemed surprised by seeing him again right after he had just left.

Ben went on the streets to have a better overview of everything - and a better internet connection - and pulled out his phone to call Mary. But then there was the shock - 20 missed calls. From Mary.

And once again, the sweat started to form on his forehead. He hated calls more than almost anything in the world. But he had to call her back and so he did.

The sound was ringing against his ear multiple times before he heard the muffled sound of a female voice invading his brain.

“Hello?”

Ben tried to speak but no sound came out of his mouth.

“Ben?”

The voice surely belonged to Mary, but the voice belonging to Ben was trapped inside his body.

He really wished she would not hang up on him as he was at the other end of the call, quiet enough to raise the suspicion that he was not actually calling her, but playing a prank on her or something.

No matter how hard Ben tried, he could not form a decent answer and therefore had to witness the call with his crush slowly ending, leaving him all alone in the streets.