I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt tight, my throat was closing, a knot of anxiety sat in my right shoulder. The weight of silence attempting to drown me
No.
That couldn’t be,
no.
“What did you do?”
I tore my eyes from my mutilated brother to look my other one in the eyes. He looked so scared. I’d never seen Tim like this before. His eyes were wide, his arms wrapped around his stomach. He looked sick.
“I, I didn’t-“ I tried to push past the ball in my throat, to bo avail
“What did you do!” Tim was screaming.
I couldn’t think
This wasn’t my fault
“WHAT DID YOU-“
I stood up quickly, socking him in the face. He fell like a ragdoll. I was shaking, the anger in me trying to escape.
Before I knew it I had a smoking gun in my hand and two dead brothers
It wasn’t my fault
I just needed a second to think
I let the silence take me.
If there was one thing Tim was expecting to find in the middle of the apocalypse, it was not James.
Tim had just announced that the hallway was clear when he came face to face with a gun. Tim slowly raised his hands, trying to see the person holding the gun.
Holy fuck
Tim’s heart skipped a beat as James’ gun slowley lowerd, his scowl melting off his face.
“Tim?” James asked softly
Tim hugged him before responding, shoving his face into James shoulder. They sat there in silence, sniffles filling the room before Tim took a step back.
“But the, L.A, I thought-“ Tim started
James shook his head, a slight smile on the edge of his lips “no, i dunno, i found a group, we made it”
“Holy shit”
“I know. How about you though? You’re fine? Your family?”
“Yeah, no we’re all good” Tim nodded, still watching him in awe
“Everyone? Sam, Max, Jesse? Nick?”
“Yeah no we’re all-“ Tim was cut off as a worried voice shouted
“Tim! Tim are you okay?” Tim’s brother, Nick, said carefully as he slowly walked towards the room
“Yeah!” Tim shouted, smiling “yeah, c’mere, youll never guess who the fuck i found!”
Nick slowly came into view as James smiled softly. Nick dropped his gun, staring at him
“No way”
“Nick Grey, as i live and breath” James was smiling, almost to himself
Nick stared at him, silence filling the air. He couldn’t look away. He needed to remind himself of everything.
“You ok?” Tim chuckled, watching his brother
Nick nodded, still unable to take his eyes off of him.
“God you’re weird” Tim shook his head. He threw his arm over James’ shoulder and led him out the room “c’mon, everyone’ll love to see you”
Nick stayed put for a moment, watching as they left the room.
James was alive.
I promised him
I promised
The bombs falling around me remind me where I am. Remind me that I left him.
We were just walking, just getting to our next post. He was laughing next to me, telling me a stupid joke.
Then he was on the ground, choking on his blood. I tried to lunge for him, I tried to get him back to safety. I could see the fear in his eyes. Staring at me while he bled to death.
I couldn’t reach him. Blitz had grabbed me, pulled me behind a barricade. I was feet away. I could hear him gasping.
I promised him we would get home.
I promised him I would protect him. I promised him that if he did go down, I’d send his things back to his ma.
I promised him.
He was six feet away from me, and I was forced to leave his body, still convulsing.
This is his home.
The yelling, and the screaming, and the pain and the joy, erupting all at once.
Everything.
Everwhere.
The screaming of a baby, the sobbing of an over worked parent. A child with a stubbed toe, his friend crying from his joy. The end of winter, snow melting while flowers grow. End to the beginning. The middle in it all.
The mundane was not for him.
This is his home.
“Maybe that’s why your brother killed himself”
The words were a punch to my gut. Suddenly I couldnt breath. Realization settled into Sam’s face. Holy shit.
“I- I didnt mean-“ Sam tried to explain himself
I couldnt respond. I opened my mouth, gasping for words like a fish out of water.
“Mark I didnt, I’m sorry-“
“Fuck off” I pushed him off as he tried to put a hand on my shoulder. Jesus christ I needed a drink.
“Mark! Mark, fuck, I’m sorry wait”
Sam grabbed my jacket as I tried to put it on. I whiped around quickly, scoffing.
“What the fuck do you want?”
Sam took a deep breath “I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry”
I reacted before I could think. Suddenly Sam was on the ground, cradling a broken nose while my knuckles stung.
“Dont talk about my brother!” Was I screaming? I couldnt hear myself, my heart was in my ears, but my throat felt like it was being torn apart “Dont you fucking talk about him! I make one mistake, and now you’re the judge? You married him for fucksake. Ian did his fucking best, and Jesus Christ! He waisted 10 years on you?”
I was shaking. I stared at Sam on the ground before shaking my head, walking out the door, the house trembling behind me.
I walked through the streets, numb. I forgot my jacket, but I couldn’t feel the cold anyways.
I didnt drink at Ian’s funeral.
I haven’t had a sip in four years.
Oh well.
