The realisation is slow. But heavy like lead. The acid on my tongue rises slowly. Burning my head. Like chewing ash. Like swallowing glass. The poison tipped dagger. Will the pain pass? The anger. Denial. So much pain. Yet all awhile… I think of what could have been. Your fault? Mine? What would be worse? Yet all awhile… I put you first.

The cost is high for what I give, yet no one has ever complained. Secret glances, hand shakes in dark corners, that’s my specialty. My greatest weapon is human stupidity and my shield is anonymity. The things I know would would crumble you slowly, the payment my only consolation. But I only trade in power, worth so much more than money. A secret, a confession. Information for information. Your secret for someone else’s. You couldn’t imagine the power I feel. You wouldn’t dare imagine what goes on in the crowded corridors of high school. I call it my game, as soon as you reveal something about yourself, you start to play. But I don’t play. No one knows me, when I sit in on quiet discussions and memorise everyone’s locker codes. No one knows me, when I sit alone under the bleachers every lunch, observing the mundane power squabbles between petty teenagers. No one knows me, as I walk 5 blocks away from the school before i collapse, coughing and gasping on the pavement. I truly know what information is worth. More than money, more than fame… more than life. I’ve been called many names but the kids at this town simply call me ‘Spy’.

My breathes started heaving and coming fast. I couldn’t stop the tremor that shook my hands and weakened my knees. “Are you alright?” A random kid nodded towards me, a mop of dirt coloured hair falling in front of his eyes. I don’t remember what I said as a pounding started at the base of my scull. I do remember the world falling apart and the hand clenched on the phone, screen stuck on the message that had destroyed me. My hand fumbled on the brass door handle and I ran. Bricks scraped my skin through my thin blouse as I sank to my knees. The sun cast a soft warmth on the ground while the wind blew a cooling waft around my hair. Anger bubbled up inside of me, fuelled by pain and the most burning desperation I had ever felt. “No…” The word barely escaped my lips when it broke of into a half sob, half scream. “NO!!!” I screamed the word this time, for once not caring who would hear. I felt detached, unaligned, unreal. The most crippling pain and overwhelming numbness. Anything! I wanted to feel anything except the pain. Clenching my hand into a fist, I punched the wall. The sting was a momentary distraction. I did it again. And again. The blood smeared against the rough bricks as I hit it over and over. Tears were streaming as I gasped every time my hands smashed into the wall. The crunch of my knuckles, the tearing of my skin and yet nothing could compare to the single thought echoing in my head. It was all my fault…

She ran constantly. Except when she crawled. Occasionally she seemed to stop. She was both merciful and merciless. She did not play into the whims of others and nothing could change her mind. People looked at her for hope, yet she never seemed to be enough for anyone. No matter how much she was misunderstood, she never simply quit. She was completely unmoved by the cries of the world and yet a second of her was considered invaluable. Always misunderstood. Always a disappoint. Always unreachable. She was time itself.

Dearest Anonymity, My love for you will never die, Time itself will see, How I long for your presence, When there are too many around me. I’m not the same without you, And I have come to find, That none know me quite so well, In the corners of my mind. My darling, my dearest, I value you most, My dearest Anonymity, please hold me close.

When the storm dies down, I was wrong. I was wrong, I can see that now. I can see it now, that the haze is gone. I regret what I did, but in the storm I loose control. I lost control, now here I stand. I stand alone, after the storm.

Broken pieces in the light, Every story heard, Long but hardly lonely nights, Of speaking not a word. No walls surround us anymore, Great prisons of our making, In destroying the facades before, Now we are finally awaking. Glimmers of light surround us, but never again will they blind us.

I’ve learned to drown it out. Mostly. They echo in my head like a silent cacophony, the throbbing intensity slowly driving me to madness. Two years can do a lot to a person. It can destroy them. The first time I went into the marketplace after realising I was cursed nearly killed me. I remember the amount of soul crushing thoughts, assaulting me from everyone. I remember my knees buckling and the tears. My hands ripping at my hair, desperately trying to escape the confines of my own head, filled with the thoughts of others. Now it is a blur, a dull throbbing in the back of my skull, increasing in pressure in the company of others. And knowing everyone’s deepest secrets comes at a cost, doesn’t it? I’m sure I will go mad. It is only a matter of time. The human mind was not meant to contain more than one person’s thoughts. My mind is not meant to feel as though it is being ripped apart from the inside, seams bursting. My sense of being is not meant to crumble from the amount of thoughts in my head, challenging my morals and shattering my emotions. I sincerely hope madness comes quickly, as long as insanity brings peace I shall welcome it with open arms. I know not how much of this is me and how many foreign thoughts have slipped into my writing. I don’t know any more. Insanity looms closer still…

Blinking away the blur in my eyes, spitting out a poorly tied gag and swallowing the bitter taste of whatever my unknown kidnappers used to knock me out, I slowly survey my surroundings. The only light came through two thick draperies positioned over what I could assume were windows. Stupid to have windows here, but my kidnappers were no fools, the windows must be barred at least. The carpets were russet brown and looked new and expensive. I checked the walls to see if they matched up. Yes, new paint. I could smell it in the air, if only faint. The other scent that assaulted me was coffee grounds. None visible, but the stench had seeped into the room. Possibly meaning my kidnappers liked coffee but most likely used to mask the scent of drugs or other illegal substances to throw off any cop dog inspections. So my kidnappers were careful, possibly in the drug industry and rich. Common enough traits in my business. A flicker of light pulses on one of the door hinges. A sign of a fingerprint lock. Any fingerprint lock would also have a key or standard keypad lock as backup. Feeling around the rope that bound my hands I almost sighed. I’d been getting out of knots harder than these since I was 12. A little disappointing. Yet again, I had been underestimated. My kidnapper’s sources had probably mentioned how much money my mother could pay for my ransom. And my mother could pay any amount they threw at her, but she wouldn’t. If I didn’t escape by myself I didn’t deserve to be part of the family. Or at least, that’s what mum has always drilled into me. I wriggled slightly and hunched over, checking how many of my daggers they had taken. They took the daggers in each of my boots and the ones strapped to my forearms… leaving only the dagger strapped to my thigh. A deep weariness settled over me. I was sick of all the power games between the clans, I was sick of the life I’d been born into. Quickly shaking I off my melancholy, I focused on the job of untying my hands.It wouldn’t be a challenge but then I’d have to find out who my kidnappers are. Unbound, I twirled the knife in my hands and basked in the momentary feeling of power it brings. I was my mother’s daughter, there was no changing that.

Ignorance cannot cloak misdeeds, Now the truth is clear. When once we lived in blissful darkness, Now we live in fear. The truth cannot be pushed aside, The damage is too near. Yet knowledge is a painful burden, The revelation is here.