They told me to describe a sunset without any color. To not use the words orange, yellow, red. I didn’t find it challenging, because all I could come up with was you.

Being with you is a special kind of feeling, and I’ve loved your simple presence. Looking into you feels like a privilege, even though I get to experience it every day, my love for it hasn’t changed at all. Your smile replicates the clouds in the sky, turning from the shapes of dolphins and motorcycles into the hue of flowers. And as you say goodbye, I can’t help but look forward to the next day that I can see you.

I say that I do not care for you, yet when you wounded me, I stitched up my cut using the color of your lips, so that I could imagine that it was you easing my pain, rather than the cold needle and thread piercing my skin.

a/n : follow @..writtenbyisa on tiktok and @writtenbyisaa on insta for a high five

And as we parted ways, I swore to everyone in my life that I would rather stab myself 3 times in my hand before going back to you.

But they seemed to know that I was trying to convince myself more than I was trying to convince them.

Because we both know that if you said the right words, I would have come back on your doorstep, holding your favorite flowers and chocolates, in my right hiding the three bandaged punctures in my left palm.

We both know that I can’t resist. I never will be able to resist anything when it comes to you.

Softness.

As the music floats through the room, the sound of the notes bringing you to a quiet sleep, that’s all I think about. Your softness. For trusting you, maybe I am a sinner. No matter what the rules say, what’s the consequences to your love?

The first sin of humanity was Adam trusting Eve, so much so that he bit the apple. Because what were the pearly gates to the smile of his wife? Because what was God to a woman’s love—Not just a woman, his wife. What was God to his wife’s love?

What is so appealing in heaven, that I could not find whilst sitting next to you? And like I said, my heart is the only thing about me that is soft. From my calloused hands to my twisted mind, my heart is the only soft place in me.

So really, maybe it’s your softness that draws me in. And again, What’s the consequences compared to seeing a soft smile on your face? What’s the consequences compared to the softness your lips on mine? What’s the consequences compared to being able to heart your words filled with consideration and softness? So maybe it’s a sin, to love you. But for all your softness, I’ll gladly accept the title of a sinner.

Softness. To be fair, pliable, influenced. To give love, comfort, compassion. To never say no. To always say yes. Maybe I was never meant to be soft. From the cracks that I grew out of, from the violence I’ve endured, some turn to gentle silence and graceful gestures. But I’m not meant for it. I’m meant to be loud. Meant to be proud. Meant to be loved. Meant to be opinionated. And maybe I’m not soft, but my heart is. When my heart is full, I love so deeply, you’d think my heart is an ocean. With a soft heart and a strong mind, that’s who I am.

I don’t want to leave them. Please don’t take them away from me.

I was once a kid too. And when I was growing up, my mother and father weren’t the best people. I love them, but I would want different parents if I had the choice. And once I realized that my dream was set in stone. While my friends were dreaming about going to the moon or becoming famous musicians, I dreamed of having a love that was so healthy and happy. So, you can imagine the devastation in my heart when the law was passed.

_Everyone must attempt their childhood dreams before becoming a functioning person in our society. Even if you have achieved it, you must move forward. We generously give you until the end of tday to move forward. If not, we will force you. Good luck, the Elders. _

It was just a regular Tuesday for me. I made breakfast for my family, pancakes and eggs for my son and daughter, and a sausage and cheese sandwich for my husband. The aroma danced around our house, and not until long, I heard the scuttling sound of my daughter’s steps run down to the kitchen. Her older brother’s quieter footsteps trailed behind her, followed by my husband’s. He wrapped his arms around me, picking me up and laughing before kissing me all on my face. Our children looked at each other before my youngest yelled, “Ew! Mommy and Daddy are always kissing!” Her older brother looked back at us and smiled with a mouth full of food, "Oooh! That just means that they love each other." That's when the announcement went off. That's when the realization set in. I only met him because we had the same childhood dream. We dreamed of it at the same time, we went to the higher ups that same day, and we went to go get coffee the next morning.

I immediately walk up to my babies, hugging them. In between sobs, I manage to choke out a few words, "Promise me, that you'll never dream of a love like me and your father's okay? Promise me that you'll dream to be a pilot, or a famous dancer." They look at me with furrowed brows and eyes full of concern, but eventually nod their heads.

Pulling my husband into our room, I fall to my knees. "They can't do this to me. This is all I ever wanted. I love you. I love the kids. I can't just---I can't just let go of you." He holds me with gentle arms, stroking my back while I sob into him. I can hear his heart pumping too, and I can feel his tears land on me. After a moment, he speaks up, "You should pack your things. I'll help." He pulls a suitcase from under our bed, neatly folding clothes then putting them into the baggage. Suddenly, they kicked our door down, and picked me up from off of the floor. I just held my head down, trying to drown out the screams of my children and the cries of my husband. And at the end of it all, I turned around only for him to give me a small smile. It was the kind of smile you would miss if you blinked. But it was enough for me to recognize, because I knew that smile. It meant, 'I'll never forget you.' He gave me that same smile when he left to go to the military, as a part of his required service. As they drag me away, my childhood dream of a perfect love story finally faded. And only then did I realize, my life isn't a love story. It's just a story about love.

I sit on the cold tiled floor of my bathroom, clutching my knees to my chest. I frantically look around, trying to name five things I can see and hear. Air vent. Shower head. Curtains. That’s all I see. My chest heaves up and down in a panic and my tears are staining my ripped shirt.

His touch is engrained in my skin. I can still feel his saliva in my mouth. I can hear his laugh from here.

If I tell anyone, everything would be pointed back to me. “Oh but you were wearing something so innapropriate!” A t-shirt and pajama pants are innapropriate? “She probably asked for it.” Who would ever ask for that? “But he has such a bright future ahead of him, you don’t want to ruin that, do you?” He ruined my future. He ruined me. He ruined me.

Yet I’ll always be at fault. So it begs the question, when is it considered too far? Where does the line start and end? And at the end of the day, only one question runs through my mind; So when does a man become a monster?

From our eyes interlocking across the classroom, because I always thought you were the perfect distraction to our fingers intertwining with each other, since your hands always seemed to be warm, you really were like the sun.

From laughing with you because of a little mistake in our words to having a key to the same front door.

From hugs and kisses every day to ignoring each other’s texts

And I realized too late that you were gone. Maybe in another life, we could have done our taxes or danced together while waiting for the dough to rise. And I knew that you were the right person. But I just wish I could control the clock—so maybe in another life, it could have been the right time too.

Farewell, my almost lover.

There’s no curse more twisted than love. She knocked me down, my head pounding as it fell on the icy gound with a thud. She looked at down at me like I was less than human. Like I was just another body to her. I try to pick myself up, but she kicks me, my side throbbing with pain almost immediately. I hate to admit it, but I’m happy. I’m happy that she’s the last person I see before I draw my final breath. My eyes flutter closed, my surroundings becoming blurred as the pain started to subside. The letters from months ago seemed to rush back to me, as the last thought I could form.

‘Dear Aspen, I’m so sorry for not writing back for the past couple weeks! I’ve just been so busy after being appointed as the new military commander in training. I’m sure that you’ve been busy as well, since we left. I’ve made so many new friends, and they’ve all been so kind to me. We train vigorously, usually I’m wiped out as soon as the training ends. But I love it, the feeling of adrenaline pumping through my veins. I love the feeling of being tired and sore but being able to push through it. How have you been? We’ve achieved the same role, just like in our school days, remember that? When we would just argue and bicker on and on? To think that it was only a few months ago. Write back soon, okay? Stay safe, Raein Divine.’

Our school days. I took them for granted. I took all the classes we had together for granted. I took our studying sessions together for granted. I took the laughs we had during lunch for granted. I took her smile for granted. We used to be able to just be kids. Now I had to choose between my kingdom or her. I had to choose between killing her for my kingdom, or letting her kill me.

‘Dear Rae, I, as well, have been terribly busy lately. Our training has progressed from being physical into more mental and strategic. We’ve been tested on what would be the best move to take in case of emergency. We should meet to catch up again some time. We haven’t talked in person ever since we were pulled out from school to fulfill these roles. I think it’s an incredible coincidence that we both have the same role! I’d like to congratulate you, though you’re only a month younger than me. Your birthday just passed a day ago, I was supposed to surprise you, but my mother didn’t allow me. She told me to focus on my training, since it’s the most important thing right now. Happy 16th! I hope this letter finds you well since you think your birthday is cursed. But I think that it’s blessed, since you were born on that day. I heard my father talking about how we were going to war with a nearby court, and it slightly scares me—the thought of actual war. I must rest now, but please keep in touch. Yours, Aspen Kae.’

We never got to say goodbye before we left. We just smiled and waved. I wish I could go back. I would have never accepted this position if I could.

“Dear Aspen, What a coincidence. My mother was talking about how she was going to wage war against a nearby court as well. We may see eachother sooner than we thought! I think we’re going to attack a rival court, how exciting is that? When I see you, we can talk for hours and hours, just like we did before! Much love, Raein Divine.”

I didn’t have the chance to write back. My people and hers fought against each other.

“Dear Aspen, how could you? How could you do that? I saw you on the battlefield. I saw you kill them. I saw you kill my friends. We weren’t even at war. You killed them for the fun of it! What is wrong with you? You said that you were scared of war, yet your actions show that you’re so open to it. From, Divine.”

“Dear Raein, they attacked me first! They were at fault, they were trying to kill me first. I did what I had to. I don’t know what your side has been telling you, but it’s just not true! I care about you deeply, I never knew that my people would do that to yours. I never thought that it would happen, I swear. Please, it is not because of me. I did not order it. From, Aspen Kae.”

“Dear Kae. Our kingdoms have reached a peace agreement, yet you still insist on having more death. If you won’t change, then I just have no choice. I don’t want any more of my people to die. If I had to choose between you, and my subjects, my subjects will be the one to survive. My subjects are everything to me, Kae. I cannot choose you over them. I will never choose you over them. ”

That’s my Raein. She won’t put any effort into trying to change something that cannot be. I never had the chance to write back. I received the letter the day before the real war was waged. My father only declared war because he thought that’s what I needed to stop being so empathetic. He thought that making me choose between my people and the love of my life would make me a better ruler. I chose her. I chose her because I love her. I chose to die for her, and it made me happy. The most twisted curse became my downfall.

A/n : Thank you so much for reading all this! I’m a teenager trying to practice her writing skills, I’m sorry if it’s badly written.