I only make mistakes when I’m awake.

I never forget to put sugar in the birthday cake.

I’m fifiteen minutes early for work.

I never act like a jerk.

I’m frozen in a body that looks seventeen.

I am tan, blond, and lean.

My makeup is always perfectly done.

My husband thinks I’m fun.

I am inner peace and granola bar healhty.

I can pay my bills without being wealthy.

My son hits every developmen...

As I looked into your eyes, I saw my future go up in flames.

You swore low self-esteem and jealousy were my vices.

My insecurities had government names.

They were in the contacts of your devices.

The pink haired girl from philosophy class

Your best friend’s girl who gave you molly

The international student with a big ass

The coworker who told you all about being poly

You were faithful by their...

Every day seems the same

Swallow a handful of pysch pills

Open a mailbox full of medical bills

Measuring my life by insurance claim

Every tablet is money down the drain.

I clock into a job I can do with the blues.

Where all my coworkers live by Fox News.

And whisper about patients with needle tracked veins.

Mamas bring their babies to keep them alive.

I think about four months of missing my panc...

They say forgiveness is a virtue.

And holding on to bitterness will hurt you.

But I’d rather keep my anger.

In case you forget to act like a stranger....

I love you in Starbucks rewards points.

Evidence of hundreds of sweet vanilla cold brews.

I love you in hours of achy postpartum joints.

That I forget every time our son coos.

I love you in mortgage payments.

On a little brick house

I love you in totes in my parents’ basement

Your hunting gear taking priority over a good blouse

I love you in deer roast.

I cook them because you’re so proud. ...

It’s January.

You declare my bikini line too hairy.

It’s February.

You think I could lose weight if I quit dairy.

It’s March.

You give me pointers for a hotter back arch.

It’s April.

You ruin my birthday party and swear I’m unstable.

It’s May.

You cry about how much I weigh.

It’s June.

You call me uncultured for sleeping through Dune.

It’s July.

You get caught leering at a pregn...

There once was a stay at home mama.

She lived for stirring up drama.

Armed in Lululemon, she stormed the school.

She shouted that virtual learning and mask mandates were cruel....

Aunt Dianne

She was a big carcinogen fan.

She didn’t give her body any slack.

She fried herself in a tanning bed and smoked pack after pack....

Miniature weenie

Who’s always begging for another Greenie

It doesn’t help her rancid breath.

She smells like Fritos and death....

How can a modern mom limit her kid’s screen time? Don’t buy a fucking tablet....