I walked into the shelter Just looking, I thought Never expecting To be found by you. Passing your cage You stuck out your paw Beckoning over And in that moment It was just known That you were meant To be mine And that I would be yours. Four children Two moves Tragic losses We weathered together. As depression gripped me And I spiraled in grief You were my constant companion Your presence so calming My North Star in the storm. Year after year I watched you get older Your body get frailer And I knew that Our chapter in life Would soon come to an end. The day It Happened I wasn’t prepared My heart wasn’t ready To leave you behind. But now you are gone And I’m left with a chasm A vast hole in my heart That will never repair. I think of the moments In life that we shared And reflect wistfully on The unconditional love Only a beloved pet Can bestow. In the days since I lost you I’ve missed you so much The days feel so empty The hours stretch on And since you’ve passed Time has never Passed so slowly.

There is no more Fight left in me The will to argue Extinguished No longer care To plead my case Too fatigued from All the heartache A wall of stone Covers my heart Protecting it From your wrath My light has dimmed Around your presence You no longer Bring me peace Our love has morphed To bitter contempt And all that’s left Of what once Was us is just this dreadful silence.

The last thing I remember was the blinding light and loud, long wail of a horn trailing away. Like many other procrastinators, I had just parked my car and was hurriedly rushing towards the mall entrance on Christmas Eve, my mind distracted with thoughts of which stores I would check for the last minute gifts I needed to buy. Some new headphones for Emily, that overpriced, hard to find toy for Daniel that every other child on the planet seemed to also want this Christmas, for some unknown reason. Some small stocking stuffers for mom - she always loved receiving chocolates and bath bombs, so that should be easy. I absentmindedly stepped out from behind a parked car and that’s when it happened. Bright lights. Loud wail. Crunch. Slowly, the painful blinding light turned into a golden glow. Like the soft glow of the twilight sun over a field of sunflowers on a summer day. Soothing warmth enveloped me and all sounds slowly faded away, as if I had submerged myself in warm bath, but instead of sinking into the water, it felt like I was floating up into it. My mind was suddenly clear of all thoughts, I was left only with an awareness of the physical sensations I felt and a deep sense of calm. I floated in this warmth for a while, savoring the serenity, thinking this is what it must feel like to be a summer breeze. Every fiber in my body moved, wispy and wave like, rising up higher and higher in a state of semi-consciousness. Slowly, gravity started to take hold again, and I felt my eyelids fluttering, my mind coming back into focus. I could sense solid flatness against my back as I lay on the ground again, although it felt softer than I remembered. I sat up, my eyes adjusting and I was suddenly overwhelmed with vivid color all around me. The sky was painted in billowing clouds of greens, yellows, and reds. The breeze was waves of different hues splashing up against and around me. A sweet and savory scent filled the air. I inhaled deeply, never having smelled something so beautiful before. I imagine if magic had a scent, this is what it would have smelled like. My attention was drawn to a large clearing, where the different breezes converged into what looked like a kaleidoscope of reds and greens shaped like a large fir tree. I started walking towards the tree, curious. I had no idea where I was, if this was even real, but none of that seemed to matter. An air of expectation filled me as I approached, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a shadowy figure. I was standing practically next to the tree now, and I turned towards the shadow. It was golden, almost glowing, and had taken the shape of a man. There was something oddly familiar about the shape as it continued to materialize, and awareness filled me. My eyes widened with disbelief. “Dad?”, I asked hesitantly, unsure if I was just hallucinating. My father’s face was smiling back at me, just like I remembered it. I hadn’t seen that smile since he died five years prior. “Hi, Deedee.” he answered, using the nickname my then 2 year old big brother had given me when he met me in the hospital after I was born. All my trepidation left my body in that instant and I ran into his arms, enveloping him in a tight hug. “Dad. What is this? How are you here? Where are we?” I asked, blinking back the tears that were stinging my eyes. I pressed my head against his chest, and although something about him felt just a fraction of a degree different, it was still definitely him. My dad. “This,” he gestured around us, “is the in between. A temporary, but necessary, stop. A beautiful place to help ease the transition.” I pulled my head back enough to look into his smiling face, my arms still around his waist. “Transition to what? In between where? Am I…am I…dead?” I ask, as I feel a panic start to rise inside my chest. “A transition to what comes next. I don’t know yet what that will mean for you. It can be different for everyone, but you don’t have to be afraid, my sweet girl. I promise you everything will be okay.” He pulled away from me and suddenly the playful twinkle in his eye disappeared as he looked at me seriously. “I promise you, it will be okay.” he emphasized, and just as suddenly as he materialized, his figure started to dissipate as I desperately tried to cling to him. “Dad!”, I cried, but he was already gone, whisked away into the breeze of reds as I fell to my knees. I wiped furiously at the tears that were streaming down my face, confusion filling me. I sat in silence, wondering what to do next, where to go. I shakily stood up, and turned to walk when another shimmering golden shape started to materialize in front of me. This shape was different, much smaller and as it took its form, I gasped in recognition. “Milo!” I laughed, as my cat jumped into my arms. His cerulean blue eyes looked up at me as he vibrated loudly. I stroked his soft, white fur and his head butted my arm in appreciation. “Oh I have missed you so much, buddy.” I murmured, still petting his head, cuddling him close to me. Milo had been what I called my ‘soul-pet’. That one special pet that etches their way into the depths of your heart, the one you forever talk about lovingly and longingly. Milo had just passed away recently, and the sting of his loss was still so raw and new. Milo jumped out of my arms and walked a few feet away, turning back and looking at me expectantly, not unlike how he used to when he would try to lead me to the cat treats in the pantry. Without hesitation, I began to follow him as he circled around the side of the large tree. “Where are you taking me, buddy?” I asked him, smiling. I still wasn’t sure what was happening, maybe this was all just a very vivid dream, but in that moment it did not matter one bit. I never thought I would see Milo again, let alone my father. The grief I had felt losing them both was crippling. The only thing worse than losing them had been - As we approached the back side of the tree, my thoughts were abruptly shocked into silence. Standing there, a small golden figure. A boy. MY boy. “Adam?” I whispered, unable to breathe. “Hi, mama.” he responded, and his little voice sounded just as I remembered when I last heard it, 8 years ago. Milo sauntered over to Adam’s side and rubbed against him, his tail wrapping itself around Adam’s left leg. A ‘Milo hug’ as we used to call it. Adam reached down and gave Milo a quick scratch on the head. My heart felt as if it had stopped, and then suddenly all at once I felt myself launch my body towards his, scooping him up in my arms and kissing his face. Tears flowed heavily down cheeks, dripping off my face and onto his. I was unable to form coherent thoughts, words just stumbled out of my mouth as I clutched him close to me, rocking his little four year old body. “Oh my God, Adam. My Adam. My baby. My sweet boy. I can’t believe it’s you. I have missed you so much, I love you! I..I..” I blubbered on as I continued to hug and kiss him. I grabbed both sides of his cheeks and looked into his chocolate brown eyes framed with thick, long lashes. “Oh baby boy, I have missed you every single day since we have been apart. I love you so much, Adam”. “I love you too, mama. I missed you thissss big.” he responded, and I laughed as he gestured wide with his arms, just like he always used to when we were apart from each other for any short amount of time. I pulled him into my arms again, Milo rubbing against both of us now, my heart so full it could explode. “Welcome home, mama.” he said, his voice sounding distant as I felt the familiar warmth wash over me again. The sensation of rising up, floating, filled me again and as I looked down, I saw all three of us slowly dissipating. Adam green, Milo red, and myself a warm golden yellow. We rose into the sky, melting into each other and the calm serenity once again fell over me, my last remaining thought slowly fading away, “I love you, Adam.” A final whisper in the wind, “I love you, mama. Merry Christmas.”

Thank you for making me feel Like I was so special. Thank you for seeming to be The man of my dreams. Thank you for telling me You couldn’t live without me. Thank you for convincing me You were different than the rest. Thank you for confessing Your love that one evening. Thank you for showering me With unending praise. Thank you for admitting You couldn’t do better. Thank you for helping me Feel I could trust you. Thank you for one day Showing your true colors. Thank you for letting The mask slip off your face. Thank you for reminding me To trust my gut instincts. Thank you for teaching me What manipulation is. Thank you for giving me Reasons to cry. Thank you for pretending I was the problem. Thank you for wasting 20 years of my life. But mostly, I want to say Thank you. For nothing.

It is said, If you wake within a dream You should never ask What time it is. For if you do, It angers them And bad things occur. A lucid nightmare, Unsettled you’ll wake If you are lucky.

Everyone, everywhere, evermore Will one day take their last breath. No one escapes death. So go forth in this life And fill it with love.

Life sometimes diverges Forcing decisions to be made. Which path to choose? Consequences must be weighed. Both paths differ
Too complex to decipher. Bravely, resolutely we continue Down this path to find What waits beyond.

Broke my favorite mug today And I thought of you. It somehow slipped out of my grasp And shattered on the ground. As I collected the jagged pieces And cupped them gently in my hand. Contemplated gluing them together In hopes of saving something I once always loved and reached for. But as I continued, my despair grew Because I slowly came to realize That no matter how much care How much time, and how much effort I put into its repair It would never be the same. The fissures too deep, the gaps too wide It would no longer be the mug I loved Just a shell of what it once was. It would no longer function No matter how much I willed it to. I looked down at the pieces in my palm And realized that it was done As much as I wished it wasn’t so. And while I know it’s the right decision, There will come a day, come a moment That I’ll look back and will wish I had never let go.

He grew up neglected His parents too broken To tend to his needs Let alone show him affection.

He spent his childhood alone Imagination his only companion An escape when chaos ensued A beautiful place to retreat.

He floated unseen Unheard and disregarded Until he stopped talking And kept to himself.

As he grew older he knew He had to escape this So he left one cold day And never looked back.

He met her one morning She asked him a question They felt a connection They talked through the night.

Time went on slowly He felt his heart warming To this new feeling That she was his home.

They become friends And then lovers Partners in life Then parents to four.

The years continued to pass Their bond only grew stronger As their bodies grew frailer Their dark hair peppered with grays.

He held her hand As she lay in bed dying Thinking where he had started And where life now had led him.

50 years they had spent Being a couple, a family Sharing a lifetime of happiness That was why he still believed in love.

I’m sorry. Two words that seem So small in comparison To the betrayals committed To warrant them. I’m sorry. Isn’t enough to fill The space once occupied By the naive trust And faith I had in you. I’m sorry. Won’t ease the pain Or repair my heart Which shattered Into tiny fragments. I’m sorry. Doesn’t help quiet The spiraling thoughts Of self blame For not seeing through you. I’m sorry. I hate you For making me Hate you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sick of your I’m sorrys.