The moon was starting to peek over the horizon, and the earth was finally getting some respite from the thick, hot, stagnant air that had persisted during the daylight. My skin tingled in the cooling air, the anticipation had been swirling in my gut all day. I could finally shed the layers, let my hair down from my cap, and exist as myself, with him. No matter how many times I’ve done this over the centuries, pretending to be a human soldier was always challenging. The breaks given to me by the darkness was my Saving Grace, although tonight would be different. There was a feeling of urgency.
Ensuring I wouldn’t be spotted, I made my way to the lake’s shore, peeling off my woolen uniform as I went. “It so easily hid my curves from my fellow soldiers,” I thought to myself, as I removed the cap that held my long dark locks in place. No one saw me for who, or what, I was except for him, and we needed to keep it that way. It was getting harder for both of us to continue hiding what I was, and what we were to each other. So our nightly rituals slowly started becoming the norm.
The water was cool as it gently lapped at my feet, the waves a soothing melody. I took a deep breath and continued my march to slowly sink into the dark waters. Cooling down and feeling refreshed, I swam out deeper to ensure I’d know if I had an uninvited guest. My eyes better adjusted in dark than humans, it was easy to spot him. His once white linen shirt haphazardly buttoned, exposing more chest than was regulation, the navy pants carefully tucked into his tall, shining, leather boots. He walked with the same confidence when he was clothed, as he did naked, and was something that I rarely have seen in humans since the ancient Romans.
My eyes raked across his body as he stepped out of his clothes. I was staring, I couldn’t help myself, and he definitely noticed since a large cocky smile spread along his face as he sank into the water. I dived below the surface needing the cold water to calm my thoughts. How could he have such an effect on me? Never has any human caught my attention, let alone made my thoughts scramble so incoherently.
As I came back to the surface he had closed the gap between us, reaching out for me. His touch hot on my skin, a clear opposition from the cool water that surrounded us. His deep amber eyes searching my own for permission that he didn’t have to ask for anymore. I reach my hands up, burying them in his hair and crash my lips into his, giving him my answer. His calloused hands traveling down to my hips, my tongue searching for his, our legs gently brushing against each other as we continued to keep ourselves afloat. He tasted like honey, the warm summer sun, and the wheat fields blowing in the cool summer breeze. It was intoxicating, and I felt like I could never get enough of it.
He pulled away just enough to catch his breath, placing his forehead against mine. “We can’t keep doing this, Apollumi,” his words were almost breathless. My chest tightened involuntarily, but he continued before my thoughts could spiral. “I just mean, if we keep pushing the boundaries like this, we’re going to get caught. It’ll be a short drop and a sudden stop, or the firing squad, for us. We could just - “ He nodded towards shore.
“You know I can’t do that,” I said, feeling his grip tightened on my hips, but I wasn’t sure if it was in anger, or in nerves. “I have to see this through, it’s all I know how to do.” Looking in his eyes I noticed the worry glinting from them.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. We could go, start over.” His voice started to crack in the whisper, “What I’ve been hearing about tomorrow, it’s not -“ He paused unable to think about the lives that will be lost, including the possibility of losing our own. “This could be our last chance. Why don’t we just take it?”
A sad but knowing smile played on my lips, as I saw what our lives could be. A simple life of working his family’s fields. Our days spent in the sun’s warmth, laughing together, working together. Our nights spent entangled in each other. Maybe we’d have a dog and some chickens. Maybe even the legends were true and we could have a couple of kids, but that wasn’t our reality.
Our reality was that I was immortal, and I’ve been a warrior my entire existence, even before The Fall. I’ve known nothing except battles, killing, death and destruction. All in the name of protecting humanity.
I looked at him, doing my best to hide my own heartbreak. I would love nothing more than to live out the fantasy we both longed for. “I’ve heard the rumors and whispers among the men. I cannot leave them to fight without me. You know I can’t,” my voice betraying me, the sadness and longing played on every syllable. I took a deep breath, steadying myself, before speaking again, “Can’t we just enjoy the moment? Together? Tonight?”
Rejection.
My breath caught, watching my words sting; he could no longer look me in the eyes as he blinked back tears that threatened to fall. This hurt more than The Fall, like my soul was splitting in two. All he could muster was a slight nod. I quickly closed the gap that was between us, pressing my lips to his, begging for his forgiveness. I couldn’t face tomorrow without it, without him, and I knew it was selfish, but it’s not like I was going to get back into heaven anyway.
I felt every ounce of his sadness, as it turned into desperate hunger, and he crushed my body into his. His skin like a delicious fire against my own, the hard strength of his self control coiled taunt beneath his skin. His lips began moving with mine, and our tongues started their familiar dance, as we explored each other. My hands selfishly holding him tight to my lips, as he attempted to pull away.
Only allowing him to be centimeters away, his breath tickling my neck, “Give me a chance to change your mind?” The breathless panting of those words made my heart sing, and now I was the one that could only muster a slight nod in response, as he had already began swimming us to the small sand bar in the middle of the lake.
This was the worst pain I had, and will likely ever, experience in my entire existence. I had never been so close to giving up, and yet still managed to keep on fighting. My body was burned and bloodied, my shoulders were stiff, and any time I moved a blinding, white pain, like lightening shot through my body, paralyzing me in place. How did they do it? How did he keep going?
My thoughts flashed back to hours earlier. The confidence in which I held myself in front Her, thinking I’d be met with understanding and forgiveness. She forgives her little humans all the time for their sins, why would She be different with me? I knew my fate was sealed the second she looked at me. I could see right through Her cool, calm exterior, the inescapable rage was boiling just below the surface. I knew my words, my arguments, and my pleas would fall on deaf ears. She was having none of it, and declared my life forfeit.
The hours felt like days while she took sadistic pleasure in slowly plucking my wings bare. She had torn the flesh and bone from my shoulders, slowly twisting and snapping them to make my screams sweeter on her tongue. I don’t remember all the slurs and curses that I bestowed my creator, but I remember the last clearly. “THIS IS WHY YOU LOST YOUR PRECIOUS PET, MORNINGSTAR!” I remember screaming, my own rage and betrayal taking over my mind. It gave her enough pause that I could catch my breath between my tears. The silence was deafening, and I waited for her to eviscerate me from my existence.
With a scream that seemed to echo for far too long, the blinding pain from breathing too deeply took me out of the torturous memory. “Thank -“ I stopped myself, knowing god was the last one I should be thanking. “Guess I’ll need a substitute to thank instead,” I thought weakly.
I knew I needed to move and leave the crater I had inadvertently created. Falling angels always made for a spectacular entrance, and I knew mine wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by the primitive humans. “Fast, quick and fluid like setting a broken bone,” I thought to myself. I clamped my lip between my teeth and tried to get up quickly and without thinking. My screams came out strangled, as I choked on my own tears, my body trying to stay in autopilot. “Maybe fast wasn’t the best idea,” my brain sarcastically chastised and I tasted fresh blood from biting through my lip.
Pain and sarcasm aside, I was standing and I knew I had to find shelter so I could heal. Every movement, every breath was excruciating but I was alive and free, and that was worth fighting for.
It was a beautiful, sunny day, as it always is here, but today there were whispers. There’s always some form of gossip circling the halls, but these were hushed, with quick glances, urgently checking to be sure She wouldn’t overhear. She is omniscient, omnipotent, the Alpha and Omega, but from what I heard she was blind sided.
She and her Groupies, the Arcs, of course tried to do damage control, but the truth had already spread among us. All these centuries She desperately made Her image fire and brimstone, almighty and powerful, but in one act the facade came crashing down around Her. The humans were the only ones to believe the story, that Lucifer tricked Eve into eating from the Tree of Knowledge and that She knew it would happen all along. It was hard for a lot of us to keep from rolling our eyes when that came out as the cover up.
The real story was much less malicious on Lucifer’s end, but the betrayal stung all the same. The thing that most humans don’t realize is that Lucifer was not only God’s favorite angel, but Her lover too, Her one and only. They were inseparable for millennia, She even gave him the pet name “Morningstar”. Anywhere She went he was sure to follow, but once she started creating life on Earth, Her attention shifted.
While She was obsessing over Her “silly, little, evolution project”, as he called it, he lost his purpose, and his light. She was his life, his soul, and his universe, and She tossed him aside for a shiny new toy. Our hearts broke for him as he would aimlessly wander the halls. He was just a shell of the angel he once was, that is, until Eve.
He had decided he wanted to see the “Evolution” project for himself, since all of us were talking about it’s beauty. That was when he saw her. He later told me it was something like out of those cheesy human romance novels. He saw her beautiful, deep mahogany skin through the trees first. His curiosity peaked, he carefully shuffled through the shrubs and underbrush. When he finally saw her in full view he said, the beautiful scenery, and the noises from all the creatures fell away. All he could see, all he could hear, was her. He knew then and there his heart and soul was Eve’s.
They managed to keep it a secret for quite a few centuries, but all good things come to an end. Lucifer and Eve would meet deep in the forest, and he always made sure to take the form of various animals until he ensured that they were alone. Adam, of course, had grown suspicious, and decided the Tree of Knowledge would be the perfect way to discover her secret. One afternoon Adam brought Eve under the tree, and plucked the ripest fruit he could find. She tried her hardest to convince him to stop, but he took a bite anyway. After a few minutes of shocked silence, with no smiting or natural disasters he had managed to persuade her to take a bite too. Lucifer, unfortunately, arrived too late, and the damage was done. Adam’s naïvety was zapped away, and before Lucifer could say a word, She was there.
Adam had hoped his scheme and his love for his God would protect him. He thought that his detective work would show Her that he could be Her partner, Her second in command, Her lover, just as Lucifer was. What Adam didn’t realize is that She hates surprises, and She hates being the punch line even more. She saw nothing but red. The furious rage She exuded permanently jaded her. Eyes filled with bloodlust, she destroyed most life outside of the forest that She banished them from, and to top off their punishment, she took away their immortality. As furious as she was, their punishment paled in comparison to what She had planned for Lucifer, his betrayal stung the most.
She dragged Lucifer back to heaven, but he turned on her, livid that She took away everything that made him smile. He yelled at his God, telling Her that She had abandoned him, She took away his purpose, and when he had finally found something else that gave him joy, She became jealous and took that too. He thought there was nothing more for him to lose, but She proved him wrong by torturously tearing the wings from his back, ripping them apart inch by horrendous inch. His gut wrenching screams echoed down the halls. How could She do this to her favorite angel? The one that gave Her his entire being? She dragged his bloodied and broken body down the halls. His soul broken wails, bringing many of us to tears, and She threw him out. He fell to Earth, a fiery asteroid of broken despair.
From that day on, she was no longer the god we knew and loved. Anyone that spoke out against her, or anyone she suspected of whispering behind her back, shared the same gruesome fate. Wings shredded and torn from your body, banishment from heaven, and a fiery Fall from Grace.
This isn’t how it was supposed to end. I had pictured my demise for centuries, and it was never like this, but then it was only a matter of time before some human put two and two together. I couldn’t blame them really, after all the only fallen angel they’ve ever heard of was Morningstar himself.
I shifted with a groan, the sharp jangle of chains echoed in the dark, damp basement. No matter how I tried I could not get comfortable on the dirt floor. “How long had it been?” I wondered out loud. I should have tried to keep a tally, but then it was always pitch dark down here so there was no way of knowing.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and let my thoughts wander back to the last time the sun was warming my face. His perfect laugh rumbled through my memories, his contagious smile dimpling his cheeks. I still remembered how his lips tasted against mine, like sweet honey and the fields of wheat he tended. I still felt the electricity of his touch trailing along my body. It felt like a life time ago, but I wanted to stay in that memory forever.
Despite my best efforts my memories of happiness, and love were interrupted by loud crashes and yelling from the floor above. Furniture crashed, feet were scuffling on the floorboards. Tears began to spring to my eyes as my warm, sunny memory faded into the dark. The tears never got to fall, as a loud gunshot snapped me out of my self pity. What was happening up there? Had my captors finally turned on each other? I froze as I tried to listen for who would be victorious.
Light spilled down the haphazard and dilapidated stairs, I struggled to see past the brightness. Heavy foot falls crept down the stairs, “Apollumi?” It was barely a whisper, but I heard it as clear as moonlight. I gasped not realizing I had been holding my breath. He was here, he found me, and all I could muster was a raspy croak, “Yes”.
His hands were so warm and comforting on my damp cheeks, the tears I held back earlier came back without remorse. His lips kissed my face sporadically, as if trying to ensure I wasn’t going to disappear. “Let’s get you outta here,” he whispered and he made quick work of the chains. I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling the strength of his shoulders as he lifted me in his arms. I buried my face in his neck just taking in his comfort, and he held me tighter ensuring that I could feel every sinew of his concern.
The sunlight was blinding after being in the dark for so long, but I welcomed the warmth. He paused once he walked off the porch, and carefully put me down. “Are you hurt? Did they do anything to you?” He scanned my body and tattered clothes, his concern was heartwarming, but his gaze made me realize I probably looked like a corpse. Angels, even fallen ones, were supposed to be magnificent, powerful, and ethereal, but here I was kidnapped and tortured by people that had done their research. I flinched as the memories flooded back to me causing him to take a step closer. He placed a comforting hand on my cheek, concern etched in his voice, “Hey, look at me. Are you ok?”
“I’ll be fine, I just need you to stay with me,” I slowly looked down, and saw the state I was in. Caked in dirt, blood, bruises, and god knows what else, “and maybe a long hot bath.” We both looked at each other then, his bright eyes and warming smile already making me forget what happened or where we were.
“Well I can certainly do that for you, M’lady,” he teased and closed the small gap between us. My hands were in his hair before his lips touched mine. This was where I was meant to be, with him.
How could this be bad? Why would she not allow angels the privilege to love a human? I’d do anything for this human, even fall from grace all over again if I had to.
