I wake up to a loud banging on my door. I sigh and look down. The empty space where my legs once were, glares up at me. And believe me when I say I glare back down. I role over and into my wheel chair. It doesn’t hurt. I can’t feel anything. I haven’t been able to feel anything where my legs used to be in a long time. In fact, I don’t remember a time when I could. That’s okay though, it gets me a lot of sympathy. One time, a man gave $600 just because he felt bad. I don’t know why though. I don’t even feel bad. Just indifferent. It’s easy to feel indifferent about something you’ve been experiencing your whole life. The only thing that bothers me about it is that when I got into the accident that cost me my legs, my parents car was totaled. I was supposed to get that car when I turned 16. Instead I got some big van that I can role my wheel chair into. My parents say it’s a blessing because it has hand gas and break pedals, but I don’t really care. I’d rather be driven around anyway. Maybe if I whine about it enough, someone will feel bad and buy me a personal chauffeur. But I don’t really care enough to try. That’s what happens when you lose your legs. You start to not really care about much. Or at least, that’s what happened to me. I start to open my door to go to the living room. An uncaring look on my face until I role into the room and see my parents. They’re crying. I start to plaster a smile on my face, thinking I’m the reason for their tears. But when they see me, they start to cry even more. My mother walks over to me and hugs me. “Mom, I need to get to school. Can you get the keys for me?” I say, pushing myself towards the door. “I can’t,” she says, tears streaming down her face. “There’s been a crash. Your car was totaled.” Not again, I think, grabbing her hand to comfort her. “Who lost their legs this time? Was it Jess?” I ask. My brother is always driving my van because he thinks it’s funny. I guess this is karma. “He didn’t lose his legs. He lost something else.” “What? His arms. That’d be funny. Then you could make a circus with us. The girl without legs and the boy without arms.” I start to laugh at my joke but my smile is quickly wiped from my face when my mother utters her next sentence. “No. He lost his life.”

The dim lights flicker above me as I earnestly walk towards my one bedroom apartment that I share with you. You sleep on the couch. The couch is empty. The orange knitted blanket you usually sleep with is thrown over the coffee table beside it. Your favorite mug is filled to the brim with a dark brown liquid. Tea, I think. I shake my head-you always fill it up too much and end up spilling it- but this time it looks as if you haven’t even tried to take a sip. I pick it up and take a sip, looking around to see if you’re watching. You hate when I drink your tea. It’s cold. Almost as if you have just put ice in it. But there’s no ice. And as I look around our empty apartment, I realize there is no you either. I’m all alone except for your cold tea and orange blanket. I take out my phone. Maybe you’re at a friends and forgot to tell me. But then why would your tea be cold? You always finish it. I look at our recent texts and the last one is from this morning. You were asking if we could get a dog. For intruders. Why would you be scared of intruders. You never have been before. In fact, you always insist that we leave the windows open at night, for airflow you say. I sigh and am about to put my phone away when I notice a message in my inbox. It’s from you. “Aggie, they’re coming for me. Don’t go home. I won’t be there. They’ll already have gotten me. They’ll get you next.” I start to laugh and throw my phone on the coffee table. “Okay, very funny, Frankie, but jokes over. I’m gonna put some pizza in the oven.” Nothing. “Or I can buy some sushi. My treat.” Loud silence follows my statement. You always want sushi. What’s gotten up with you.
And then the silence is broken and everything goes dark.

Tomorrow you’ll become one. You’ll be his and he’ll be yours. I don’t want you to be his. I want you to be my mine. I want to be known for being yours. Even though you seem to love him, I can’t bear to see you with him. I want to see you with me. But I can’t tell you. Even though you make my stomach flutter and my skin burn and my heart melt. Even though I never want to hurt you and he does. Even though I know you’ll never hurt me because you never have. Even though I love you, I can’t speak the words. Not to you, not to anyone. Not even to myself. I get up and walk towards the glistening water near my cabin. It’s dark outside and no one is awake. Not even you, my lovely insomniac. It’s ironic how much you love the night. Seeing as your so bright yourself. Everything about you screams light and day and warmth. You’re eyes crackle like a warm fire. Your long, blonde hair lights up the sky. Your smile makes everyone around you feel like they’re walking on the sun. Your laugh makes people feel alive. It makes me want to be alive. I’m not like that though, I’m dark and lonely and rough. I’m the dark, cold, night air and you’re the lighting bug flying through it. Not even waiting to see if I’m okay. Not waiting to see if you’ve hurt me. But you never do, instead, for a moment, I’m left bright and warm and feeling loved and alive. How do you manage to do that? Run through life like your in a rush, but taking enough time as not to hurt anyone. You light the world on fire, but make sure nothing burns down. You burn a fire in my heart and make me feel alive, but just as soon as you come, you’re gone. Or do you just not realize what you’re doing? Are you so free that you don’t realize how entrapped by you everyone else is. How entangled in the chains of life I am. I need you. Like the moon needs the sun to shine. Like I need light to see. Like the night sky needs the lighting bug to light it up. I turn to head back in to my home when I see a streak of light. I think it’s you for a second. But as I look closer, it’s just a little lightning bug bumbling towards the glistening pond. Flying away from me. I sigh and walk into my cabin. It’s warm. It doesn’t make since. The fire I lit earlier has long since gone out. It should be cold. Bitterly cold, like me. And as I head towards the fire to investigate the warmth, I feel it. My stomach starts to turn and flutter and my skin starts to prickle and warm. You’re standing in my living room. Back turned to me. Blonde hair flowing down your shoulders. You light a match and throw it on the almost completely burnt out logs on my fire. I start to say that they probably won’t light when they instantly go up in flames. You turn and look at me and smile. “I love you too,” you say, walking towards me slowly. I furrow my brow and open my mouth, but I don’t know what to say. How did you know? I’ve never uttered those words to anyone. Not even myself. You finally get near enough to touch me and you take my hand. The smell of burning wood fills my nose, but I don’t care. I’m here, with you, alone. You’re all mine. Finally. “Forever,” you say as you smile at me, a tear running down your cheek. I reach up to wipe it away and as I do, I look behind you and see it. The flames. Wrapping around your head. Around your feet. Around you. Around us. You didn’t throw the match on the fire wood. You threw it on the cabin. I look at you, eyes wide and you just smile at me. And start to laugh, a warm, melodious laugh full of love and life. How are you laughing at a time like this? We’re going up in flames. They’re all around us. We’re surrounded by heat and fire and I feel like I’m melting. But I guess I always feel like I’m melting when I’m with you.

His eyes were blue. Or were they brown? Maybe they were green like plants with dew. All I remember is that there were two.
I feel like I’m going to drown. My memories have gone. Like the night into dawn.

You made me, well me. But I’ve lost you, don’t you see. You left me all alone. In our too big home. You’ve been gone so long. I’m starting to forget. It feels so wrong.

Why did you have to leave me so soon. If I had known you’d leave like the sun into the moon, I would have save you in my memory. But now I’m left alone. And everyone’s gone on so happily. And I’m left to stand-alone.

How could you do this to me? You said it was so I’d be free. But don’t you see: You were everything to me.

And now I’m left with only pictures. Because now my memories are just flickers, Of what used to be. You and me. Me and you. And you’re eyes: the color blue.