I’m done with you…. The hate you have given me. That lives inside my eyes. Deep within my soul. The negativity within you, That lashed out, The rage from within, from uncertainty, from desperation. I am your mirror.

And to my patriarch;

Lo, to the man that will never see me more than a child.

You suck! You stole my joy of childhood Made me grow up too early. You stole my will to drive and flourish. You never knew how much I looked up to you, Only to find that I couldn’t.

You are my mirror.

You guys stole my innocence. Yet made me who I am today. I will not let your negativities influence me. I flew away from that place, Only to find my own world of Sorrow.

Yet I will rise from past, Learn from my mistakes Not take my pain out onto an innocent. I’ve learned that I am you; I choose to be the better you. I am your mirror

These words are hard to come by; My heart races, My mind is ensnared by the thoughts of you. Your eyes of Emerald, Your hair of an Orange Glistening morning sun. You walk on by My heart floats like a man on the moon. And just like that you’re gone too soon. Oh Woe is me! I stop and stare! Tongue tied! When will I destroy my chains of anguish and fear? Risk it all for a glance? When will I stop living in darkness? Cause she colors my world anew! When will I let go of this misery and sadness? When will I break my chains?

I look over at that stupid newspaper stand, and as I get closer I see my face on the front of the courant. “Fuck!” I look down at my feet and smirk.

The feeling of emptiness pry it’s way in.

The remorse of not saying I love you enough.

The regret of not saying goodbye.

The days of missed opportunity, Thinking I had more time in this world.

Euphoria encases my being like a warm wave crashing on you at the beach.

They will be fine,

My wife thought of me as an ATM.

My kids were ungrateful anyways.

I don’t have any more bills, And my body feels as good as new.

It was my time to be set free, For that I will Embrace.

For the headline will be my demise

“Why would I do that?” My mind racing like a formula 51 driver at the Indy 500. The zips and turns in my mind, reliving the fear and loathing of the previous 24 hours.

It’s hard to breathe, so I take deeper breaths that do not help. I lean against the wall feeling dumber and dumber as angst grips my soul.

Doubts comes surging back from the depths of hell like a freight train of its track overtaking me.

“What the hell was I thinking?” I thought.

Hours turn to days, and days turn to weeks. Weeks into months. Your life carries on.

That’ll be the last time I ask out the prettiest girl in high school.

I got left on Read…

“Get out of my house!” I roar like a lion. I stare intently, glossing over and over and over again.

The man, staring back at me, unphased by my anger sees through my hollow rage.

He haunts me Hunts me down Follows me wherever I go.

He smashes my spirit Kills my ego And chokes the life out of my hopes and dreams.

He’s there with me, Taunting me Menacingly.

Yet,

He’s the only one who has been there for me Seen my torment And picked up the pieces of a shattered soul.

“I hate you.” I murmur. “ I hate you too.” He says.

The love hate relationship we have is more bittersweet than most lives can bear, but we openly embrace each other as the shadow and light dynamic we are. Like the Yin and Yang of a fated ordination.

“Goodnight old friend.”

I turn off the lights to the bathroom

For the mirrors are for the shadows

It began, as all bad days do. The same! I wish I could feel: passion, a desire, a lust for living, Zeal for adventure. I! don’t! I do not… I play it safe, I do not take risks, I have been ingrained a fear for failure. I want to fly higher than an astronaut soaring in the cosmos I want to feel fear of asking the hottest female out. I want to live in a mansion so big that I can hide from all my troubles and sorrows! I want to feel! I want to feel that my life is worth more than a life predestined to a life of mediocrity!

But! I cannot… I have settled… I have chosen to sit out on my own life. I am Vanilla pudding.

I have been longing for this moment for so long like a boy missing his father.

I thought this was a sick joke.

It is been, seventeen years, since I’ve seen your faces. Now; the memories of you are faded to black, fin.

This sketch is uncharted, and yet all the memories of old, reappear like a flash of ten thousand suns.

I am. Lost. For words.

The pain in my heart like a frozen hand on top of it, squeezing it until it hardens.

Deep in my weary consciousness,

I am jaded.

Exhausted.

Friends with my shadow.

Yet, he will be my guide as I take this leap of faith.

Pursuing your faces in the Midnight darkness.

This is, my Midnight Voyage.

“I’m coming for you,” she laughed…… I wake up, gazing into the darkness of my dorm room. The cold sweat dripping off of me like a cold rain. She gave me sleep paralysis, like a ton a bricks sitting on my body I struggled to breathe. “I won,” I thought to myself. I’ll never open another stupid chest in my life. No more dares to go into the attic alone either. I chuckled. A girlish chuckle came from my closet too….. “La La Oopsy” the entity sneered.

(8-16-21)Dear Ms. Toad sucker, I hate your stinking guts, you make me wanna vomit. Yet, I want to be with you almost daily, and did not understand why you wanted to be single. I long to see your smiling face of yours, and the loneliness is getting the best of me. Sincerely S.W. (8-21-21) Slugworm, You can devour a purse of one eyed trouser snakes. I have long missed you and you know that, but I need to find myself among the stars before lest, I am too old. I want to come back to you, but I have to much living to do to be settled down at this moment. Yours truly Toadsuck (10-09-21) To my dearest Toadsuck, My heart is overwhelmed with joy that I got to see you today, I beg on both knees that you be mine. Your smile lights up the room when you’re in it. Your poise is like that of a swan. I cannot wait to devour the fruits of your Eden and be blessed to have you betrothed to me.

   Your dearest 
            S.W.

( 10-31-21) Dear sluggypoo, Oh! my heart skips every time I see you. Your face warms my dreams and my nether regions like a storybook girl. I cannot wait to be in your chiseled arms. I want to bear your child, and be their mother. Forever your Toad suck

Deep breaths, take up far more, space than silence. Yet they give way to my tear soaked sobs of regret. I’m having a hard time breathing in between my sobs as the tears roll down my face. “I’m sorry PJ” I wail. As I reach out to you; words are meaningless in a time such as this. I feel the heat of a thousands suns scorch the earth. Angels rain down from the sky above. “It should have been me.” I tell the medic, he tells me to calm down. The searing pain in my leg doesn’t overcome the pain that will haunt my shadows for the rest of my life. Your missing face still haunts my soul, I will forever be reminded of that day. Your voice still lingers here. All I have left of your are memories in the sand.