The sun knows when it's time to rise The stars know how to tell no lies The flowers know when to bloom The moon knows it's not yet time for doom
But I cannot seem to know when When it's time to shout or when it's time to zen Even when it's all set before me I cannot tell when I can be truly free
I cannot be expressive in front of the higherups I cannot be knowledgeable if they're older I cannot love because it's a waste of time And I cannot grow too fast until my "prime"
What's it like to just do it just because I can Because I can What's it like to know and let them know I know Because I know
I want to feel, I want to know I want to love, I want to grow I want to be free I want to be me
If the time comes when we see each other once more, I won't be waiting for you miserably by the door. I'll hold mybhead up high and make you see that you can no longer hurt me. I will show you that I am no longer under your control, I'm no longer trapped in that deep hole. You will see how proud I turned out to be. Not the broken, shattered little girl you left me. You'll see me smile and flip my hair, you'll see me glow and no longer care. So if the time comes and we see each other once more.. Youll regret leaving me by the door
If I died, would I be forgotten as easily as a lost toy? is my person important to people enough to be a long cherished memory when I die?
Am I an impact? Am I memorable? I'm not so important as the sun in the big blue sky, nothing can compare to it, nor am I as beautiful as a rose flourishing alone among buds, its beauty is indescribable.
But can I still be remembered if I died, would my presence be missed, if I die, who would notice, who would care?
How would I know if my impact to the people around me was positive or negative. Do I have anything special that people can remember me by, and not just all this, what if instead, my disappearance is a relief? if I died, how long would the memory of me last? do I have a good story? do I have a story at all? Will there be tears?
What would happen if I died?
I always thought love was something amazing. Something that humans just always longed for and needed. I thought that if it was true love then people would do anything: even die. But I didn't realize how far people would go. How far they could go.
I have never met my parents. They died when I was just a baby. So I was raised by my dad's sister and it was fun, she was funny and loving and caring; her husband was alright I guess. On their 15th anniversary , Aunt Su and Uncle Nelson told me they were going to go out just themselves and they trusted that I was too old to have a babysitter. They shouldn't have trusted a teenager in the house alone but I am glad they did.
The moment they left.... Lights off. Speakers on. Volume max. And music on. I was perfectly content with this setting but as I slid down the hallway in my sweats, pretending to be some 90s rocker, I hit the wall and the ladder of the attic came crashing down, nearly missing me. I scream and jump away freezing at the site of it.
I was never allowed in the attic. I should not go up there. But my body seemed to be moving on its own.
As I made my way up the ladder, so many thoughts flooded my head. Threatening to explode. What was I going to find? I make my way through and stand up once I reach the top, only to find myself in an empty room. Mostly empty. A lone box sat in the middle of the room, which was surprising clean. I slowly and curiously approached the box and when I got to it I examined its exterior. Black with golden designs of no particular pattern.
My fingers trembled as I lifted the box although I did not know why. Inside were a bunch of old letters all adressed to the same place. I recognized my dad's handwriting immediately. Heartbeat racing, I read every letter.
"Dear Liz, I love you more than you can imagine..."
"Dear Liz, I would do anything for you. Anything..."
"Dear Liz, I hate to see you hurting like this..."
"Dear Liz, Why won't you let me help you....."
"Dear Liz, I killed her for you..."
I always thought love was something amazing. Something that humans just always longed for and needed. I thought that if it was true love then people would do anything: even die. But I didn't realize how far people would go. How far they could go. But now I understand.
