Annie felt a little dizzy as she stepped out of the back entrance of the club, into a narrow and dark lit alley. This place really wasn’t her jam, but she had promised her best friend since kindergarten that she would attend her bachelorette party. Jilly was having a blast, dancing with all of her college friends and new coworkers. Annie tried her best not to be a downer, but as Jilly got more and more inebriated, she figured she might be able to slip away and get a breath of fresh air.
Annie shivered as she stared up at the night sky, wondering how much things in her life were about to change. After leaving their small town for college, she and Jilly had been drifting apart. Jilly made new friends and new interests, while Annie felt alone and scared of this big new city, so different from their home. And now Jilly was in love and about to start a family, and Annie would fall out of her life. She was happy for her, she was! Or she tried to be.
A quiet snapping sound from down the alley way, interrupted Annie’s reverie. She saw a dark shadow moving stealthily through the slight light, and she felt her heart rate begin to increase.
Suddenly the back entrance doorway was thrown open and she saw Jilly spill out into the alley.
“What the hell, Annie? You just ditch me, at my party!?” Jilly latched on to Annie’s arm, as she tumbled unsteadily in her heels.
“I’m sorry, Jills, I just needed some air. This, this is too much for me.” Jilly rolled her eyes.
“Everything is too much for you, Annie! You sit back and act like everything is just going to come to you like it did back at home. But this is the real world now. You need to start living! Reach out, grasp the joys to be had! You are so scared of everything! And it’s a kill joy! I’m getting married, and you’re supposed to be happy for me. Instead, you just think about yourself!” Jilly yelled, eyes flashing. She was always quick to anger. But Annie was scared- scared that she wouldn’t survive in this new world and life. She was scared that Jilly would move on from their friendship.
Suddenly, Jilly’s eyes grew large with surprise and she opened her mouth to shout, “look out!” Annie spun quickly in surprise to catch the hulking shadow from earlier move upon her, the light glinting off a sharp knife. Jilly pulled her close and knocked the knife out of his hand.
“You’ll always be my sister.” Jilly said as her fangs started to slide out of her mouth. Annie felt hers descend too as her right hand reached out to grab the man’s neck. They began to feed, and Annie forgot about her worries and the future.
She would always have Jilly. They were blood sisters. And Annie was no longer afraid.
We all die alone We must love ourselves fully To find acceptance
Individuals Society is unique But we are all one
You must find yourself On this path we all must walk Love, Hope, Dream, Believe
Do not be afraid Of letting your light shine bright You are beautiful
We are all unique Find who you are meant to be We are all the same
It’s been two years exactly since you took your last breath. We all stood by your side, for hours, holding your hands, telling you to let go, as you breathed the death rattle, fighting to live, even though you were basically brain dead. Those moments are so much more haunting and traumatic and beautiful than most could ever understand.
I. Am. Angry. Why? Why you? You were the greatest man I have ever met. You were fierce in your love and in the strength of family. You taught me so much, and often times I feels so ashamed that so much of our last years together were filled with strife and worry, and disappointments from me.
You should be here. Seeing me rise up out of the ashes of my previous bad choices. You should be here to see how absolutely, beautifully perfect your grandson is.
You should be here to hug me. To encourage me. To always support me and believe in me. To make fun of me. To make our lives, livelier and just... better.
You should be there to walk me down the aisle. To watch me graduate college and become a counselor. To see James grow up and graduate high school. To see him fall in love and get married and have his own children. You should be there to remind me of what true love is every time I see you and mom together, because you are soulmates.
And you will be, in our hearts and in our thoughts. Every happy moment we go through, will always be just a little bit sad because you aren’t by our sides.
Daddy- I love you. I miss you so much. But although, there will always be a hole in our hearts where you were, we are slowly getting better. Stronger. Smelling the roses, as they say.
You were a joyful man, and we must remember all of the good times and light you brought to our lives, and let it continue to shine upon us.
It wasn’t a profound moment when I finally put down the needle. I put it down because I was finished shooting that ears ringing, head rushing, monster of cocaine into my veins. But that was the last time I got high. I never had a self-righteous, God speaking to me, I can’t handle this anymore type of ending to my drug use. I got high that last time, and I never got high again.
Granted, I was given an opportunity- to pull myself up out of the grave I had happily dug and lived in for the past year. An opportunity to get off the streets and start again. But I had been given this chance before, so what was different this time?
Well, some people might say it was because I was sick. I ended up having to be in the hospital for a couple of days, because I was dangerously ill. But I knew I was sick and I had kept using regardless.
Maybe I was truly, and deeply sick and tired of being a user, a loser, an abuser and finally was given the chance to be free.
I don’t know what to tell anyone when they ask, well what did you do? What was the defining moment that made you stop. I do not know. I just did. I went one day, then a week, then a month. I went to therapy, and I looked deeply in to who I am and that’s what keeps me from turning back to it now.
But I don’t have an answer for how to stop the first time and have it be the last. It just happened. And it has been the greatest blessing in my life.
