You never say those three words We mix our bodies like smooth batter But you never say it We converse everyday with meaningful words Though it never falls from your lips We explore new destinations with big smiles But those words never come to mind We attend gatherings hand in hand But still those words don’t exist We drift but you pull to keep me Yet I don’t hear you say and I stay
Without an end in sight darkness surrounds me. I look up an see the crescent shaped moon giving bits of light and shadows of objects I can’t make out clearly. Fear flows through my veins and I can feel my heart thumping loudly in the silence. Gasping for air as I run I feel a panic attack emerging…
As she cursed, she shot looks of hatred towards me and I felt each word as if they were hot daggers burning my skin upon entry. My thoughts were clouded with the constant judgement and reminders that all areas of my life would never be good enough for her. The hidden irritation that overcomes her body when I’m around is noticeable. In that very moment I decided that was enough. To no longer obey her every command or to accommodate her needs and wants. I decided I would no longer betray myself and walk on eggshells to keep her anger at bay.
I lay feeling unsatisfied, my needs unmet, and feeling empty. I’m not sure why I keep going back. I tried to make him fill a void but with time I have realized his puzzle piece does not fit. He does not satisfy my hunger. He doesn’t add vibration but feeds from my high. He dims my light unintentionally and unknowingly. I fight the truth daily. I fight the knowing feeling that I have to leave. I have to fall in love with myself again all alone. I blame him for my emptiness but it was there all along. In order to grow, to feel and to be myself again I have to detach.