That was when I knew you didn’t love me. When I could no longer find pieces of respect in your voice. No fondness left for me in your laughter either. When I became a stranger and you no longer wondered. I was no longer a ghost that haunted you, just a grave stone- a reminder of a time that no longer existed. Not enough love to be a memory. I held the ashes of us in my hands that night, and still searched for something. I was broken and this time there was no need for optimism. You could no longer be the cause and the cure, only the cause. That was the night I realized you never cared. That was the night I knew…
I love you. And I knew I loved you when you snuggled me in close- crossed your legs over mine, our legs were intertwined like branches on a tree.
Your love was so sweet, always left a good after taste on my tongue, I never had to savor your love because I knew you always had more to give- I was thankful. I’ve been broken before, so you’ve seen what brokenness looks like, but you’ve seen this body full of scars and you love with enough ease to mend them.
You whisper sweet nothings into my ear, and you make good on every promise. I remember telling you that loving me was a war I would not be able to prepare you for but there is no fighting, no need for shields or armor, we love softly- like loving carelessly has no consequences, we love like the world has given us every ounce of our innocence back.
We give parts of ourselves that we used to be ashamed of and the parts we used to hide behind walls we used to build so high, we love so nakedly and raw.
Our love, leaves me speechless, is so sweet and so serene. And you take your hand in mine, you drive, not telling me where were going- but the destination has never mattered. All I do is look at the road ahead of me, anticipating the arrival of wherever your heart decides to take us, and all you say is “With a smile, do you promise to say nothing more?”
ka boom! the loud thunder roars through the sky, the wind carries the leaves, scatters them carelessly around on the ground, the branches sway back and forth as if they are dancing to the finest tune. the air is cold and down below a girl falls to her knees, kneels underneath a bridge, softly mumbles a prayer out into the world, it’s quiet around her, the silence wraps its arms around her and it’s the closest thing to peace, and in this moment of time it’s as if she’s the only one existing, a single tear runs down her cheek and dries itself when it falls onto her shirt, the rain falls softly on the concrete and she looks up above and for the first time- she’s seen it.
and i realized that it was me that i couldn’t let go of, it was who i used to be. so i tried to squeeze myself inside of a person i no longer was- rejecting every part of me that had decided to change, it was always me who i couldn’t leave behind. it wasn’t you, or all the love i used to swear i had, or the way i remember how you used to smile, it was the horrible realization of my reality so i escaped inside of you, wandered until i was lost so i didn’t have to look at myself. escaped until my heart broke into pieces, the feeling of heart ache resembling the feel of winter. cold and unfriendly, all of the leaves have fallen and the softest layer of snow frosts itself over my entire world. and by trying to love you instead of myself i was never moving forward, just frozen in time.
It was a dark night, the air was cold and her bed lonely. She was 13 and dressed in different shades of blue, her trauma painted all over her with paintbrushes passed down in her family tree. Wicked and brutal, the darkness filled every space and crevice of her room. She’d shout the loudest but there was never anyone around that could hear her make a sound. A curse, brewing inside of her blood. Demons crawling themselves out of her veins, haunting her each time they made themselves present. It would take years before she’d learn to wipe her slate clean, to banish all the generational karma, release the shackles from around her ankles and learn to breathe again. But it would be only then when she would realize that perhaps she had never been cursed, just not loved properly.
She knew that the time had come, she sat down and surrendered herself. Weary of all the darkness lingering around, she still stepped inside- trusting something higher than herself to guide her. And at the end of the tunnel all the newness wrapped itself around her, she had left the old her behind.
To ignite this fire inside of me, I had to let go of all I was ashamed of. All of the flaws- my tiny imperfections such as the bags underneath my eyes or the roughness of my skin. But somedays acceptance is the hardest and life is too erratic, bouncing around in all its livelihood. And sometimes it consumes me and becomes suffocating, but one day I’ll learn how to breathe again.
