That was when I knew you didn’t love me.

When I could no longer find pieces of respect in your voice.

No fondness left for me in your laughter either.

When I became a stranger and you no longer wondered.

I was no longer a ghost that haunted you,

just a grave stone- a reminder of a time that no longer existed.

Not enough love to be a memory.

I held the ashes of us in my hands that night,

and still ...

I love you.

And I knew I loved you when you snuggled me in close- crossed your legs over mine,

our legs were intertwined like branches on a tree.

Your love was so sweet, always left a good after taste on my tongue,

I never had to savor your love because I knew you always had more to give- I was thankful.

I’ve been broken before, so you’ve seen what brokenness looks like,

but you’ve seen this body...

ka boom!

the loud thunder roars through the sky,

the wind carries the leaves, scatters them carelessly around on the ground,

the branches sway back and forth as if they are dancing to the finest tune.

the air is cold and down below

a girl falls to her knees,

kneels underneath a bridge,

softly mumbles a prayer out into the world,

it’s quiet around her, the silence wraps its arms around her and it’s...

and i realized that it was me that i couldn’t let go of,

it was who i used to be.

so i tried to squeeze myself inside of a person i no longer was- rejecting every part of me that had decided to change,

it was always me who i couldn’t leave behind.

it wasn’t you, or all the love i used to swear i had,

or the way i remember how you used to smile,

it was the horrible realization of my reality so i es...

It was a dark night,

the air was cold and her bed lonely.

She was 13 and dressed in different shades of blue,

her trauma painted all over her with paintbrushes passed down in her family tree.

Wicked and brutal,

the darkness filled every space and crevice of her room.

She’d shout the loudest but there was never anyone around that could hear her make a sound.

A curse, brewing inside of her blood.

De...

She knew that the time had come,

she sat down and surrendered herself.

Weary of all the darkness lingering around, she still stepped inside- trusting something higher than herself to guide her.

And at the end of the tunnel all the newness wrapped itself around her,

she had left the old her behind....

To ignite this fire inside of me,

I had to let go of all I was ashamed of.

All of the flaws- my tiny imperfections such as the bags underneath my eyes or the roughness of my skin.

But somedays acceptance is the hardest and life is too erratic, bouncing around in all its livelihood.

And sometimes it consumes me and becomes suffocating,

but one day I’ll learn how to breathe again....

I am the person I care about most,

and I’ve been without myself before.

And it was most like somberness and cloudy skies and agony.

Ground breaking and earth shattering,

I fell apart every single way possible.

To be without my self again, I would simply be lost....