Glass smashing.
Lit torches and iced pipes passing.
Wakeful nights.
Sleepy days.
Exhale toxic clouds of crystal haze.
Nowadays,
Finding myself is a walkthrough of an endless maze.
I’m told I’m still in that heartbreak phase.
Continuously wiping these tears away.
Saline spray up my nasal passage ways.
Gaze through a mirrorless reflection.
Deception of stained glass,
Leaves a distorted traitorous image.
Eggs Benedict with added hollandaise.
The devils glass,
Self mutilation, please put the razor down.
Life spun upside down and razed to the ground.
Beg to be doused of the fire that set me ablaze.
Help me break free of this near impenetrable cage.
Scared and hopeless.
Sleepless nights of constant thought.
How can I approach this.
Who would have thought that one day it would be my magnum opus.
Missed appointments and avoided sonograms.
Reality hit like a swat teams battering ram.
Excessive use of unprescribed Clonazepam.
You entered on the cusp of winter.
How could something so small take up so much space in my heart.
Ten years and I still don’t understand.
And although unplanned.
When I’m gone and moved on just remember to look up and I’ll be there to grab your hand.
Love you always,
From your father to my little man.
Become true human.
Non conforming thoughts become reality.
Remove the chameleon mask along with the matching disguise.
Stare into the judgmental shard of glass.
Reflect on the past, a being we may not seem to recognize.
Seek out life’s largest prize.
Or plot your own demise.
Head tilted towards the stars and night skies.
Hear the echo of the bailiff shouting “all rise”.
Repel emotions which torture and tantalize.
Safe or in danger about living the life we fantasize.
So who are we when no one is watching?
The answer to this is ever changing and impossible.
Life events shape you that is undeniable.
The journey to this answer can be one of purpose or leave you crazed and maniacal.
Regardless of the path taken and to the ones no longer watching.
You are almost always unrecognizable.
Where do I belong.
Where do I fit.
All these years all you did was string me along.
To your friends and you I was considered the misfit.
I believe my days here are numbered.
Watch as the casket is primed for the hearse.
Wounds still fresh like a mint out of your mothers purse.
No point to prolong the process.
Here arrives doomsday.
Fuck it
I never belonged here anyway.
We’ll share this umbrella all the way home.
Fingers touch and interlock around the aluminum stem.
Shoulders touch as streams of rain fall from the umbrellas awning.
Feet send ripples through puddles.
Cars fly by, turn puddles to tsunamis.
Two unknowns, united by torrential downpour.
Lips touch, both savor the moment.
Because they know it’ll be over in a New York minute.
And yet here I sit writing about you again.
And yet here I sit crying over you again.
And yet here I sit insanely torturing myself again.
And yet here I sit reminiscing of the day I met you again.
And yet here I sit yearning for your company again.
And yet here I sit realizing, I was never enough for you again.
And yet here I sit knowing I have the inability to be loved again.
And yet here I sit, self loathing like I was only your stepping stone again.
And yet here I sit staring at old photos and text messages again.
And yet here I sit smiling, hoping we cross paths again.
And now here I stand, still loving you no less but feeling reborn again
It was supposed to be a day of many more to come. But unbeknownst to me, that I’d be left tased and shocked like a stun gun. Though a familiar feeling, that was abandonment. It wasn’t spur of the moment or some fucked up accident. Pre-mediated Orchestrated emotional dismantlement. The fire inside dims like the wick of one of your candles lit. There was a time you were oh so hesitant. Of allowing our hearts to intertwine and weave. Distrust, you thought I had malicious intent with tricks up my sleeve. Tasked to never break your heart seemed impossible to achieve. Funny how you did the exact opposite of what you asked of me. Now I’m the one broken and left to grieve.
Sometimes it feels like you never really left. Now you’re in L.E.S. That’s manhattans east coast. I still step through Q3 and stare right at your transparent ghost. 7 days, it’s the exorcism. No longer falling prey to the attractive hypnotism. Disjointed unit. You played the game like G-unit. Refuse to allow myself to be sold short. I am no option, nor am I a last resort. You’ll miss me that I am sure of. No need to provide an explanation of why I’m such a defective creation. Never will you find another heart made of pure love. You know you won’t have to because I won’t be sharing what already belongs to you.
Out of the jumpsuit. Off the prison block. Form a straight line and follow suit. Head down ignore the shakedown probably another racial dispute. The CO in hot pursuit. Its like a natural birth. But the chains and cuffs. Umbilical cord. Think twice about the meaning of freedom. You’ve no idea what you’re in for.
Do you feel prepared? Or are you anxious and scared? Rewind 20 years, Remember how you got here. Intoxication behind the wheel while visually impaired. But you were a prisoner well before being locked up. Explain how you succumbed to addiction. Was it poverty, living in the wrong jurisdiction? Or the increased cost of living that made you suffer an eviction? Don’t know where you’re getting your next dinner plate. Society already got you in it’s clutches ready to eviserate. So you walk the fine line of staying straight while you wait for the smog to dissipate. This is real shit but I hope you don’t relate. So you dodge drug addiction. But resort to accessible alcohol. Did you read the fine print? Fuck drinking responsibly. That’s when all bets are off and you become a monstrosity. In the back of the paddy wagon saying “fuck, how did this happen.” First offense, metal circlets on but this ain’t no slap on the wrist. Getting of the hook. Is like Kyle Rittnehouse not being acquitted of a murder conviction.
Plea deal helped evade capital punishment. The judge putting you behind bars. Is the same judge that drives home abusing ambien and Xanax bars. The line greys when we decide what’s an acceptable addiction. So just think when you’re about to judge the person who gave everything for one thing. For 24 hours put your phone down. When you reach out to grab it. Knowing you can’t have it That’s what being an addict feels like.
Attn: this started as the prompt but turned into something completely different.
7 years old. I am a seven year old boy. I love my dad because he gets me new toys. I hate leaving my toys because I have to be a schoolboy. School stinks so I sneak in my gameboy.
17 years old I still have love for my action figures and gameboy. But I’m older now. I’m in high school wow. Time with toys replaced with new friends, one says he’s from the Indian tribe that is Iroquois. The other kid, he’s new and just moved here from Illinois. Seems like a lifetime ago that I was in elementary. Cutting class to smoke weed in the cemetery. Because it has many points of entry. Can’t get caught slipping and wind up in the penitentiary. I rebel to escape a home life filled with treachery. Disgusted at the sight of me. Is my father, ashamed to stand next to me. The path I currently walk lacks structure and has no clear directory. It seems no one in my life cares to help me alter my spiraling trajectory.
32 years old It’s been quite some time but after 32 years I still hold on that kid inside. 32 years later I still speak to my inner child when I feel unloved and petrified. Dreams and aspirations derailed by substance abuse. Slowly killing me like long acting cyanide. Standing by my mothers cremated graveside. Leaves me teary and glassy eyed. No longer will I point fingers at my father who always hurt and made me cry. The behavior has never changed I’m just no longer surprised. At surface value, I present strong and fortified. I’m really just broken, shattered, and recently hospitalized for attempting suicide. Return of the rational thoughts. And for 10 years there’s always been a reason for me to stay alive. I thank therapy for keeping me sane mentally. No need to end my life senselessly. Prematurely sentenced with the death penalty. Despite the damage you’ve bestowed upon me. I still love you with high intensity. You gave me the chance to right your wrongs. To have that bond of father and son chemistry..
