what a wonderful place to smell, the beach. i always come to the beach when i need to feel calm. its not just the sounds, but the smells. strong scents of salt wafting through the air. mixing with the heavy, dense smell of barbecues; it makes your mouth water. i can smell just about anything with my eyes shut. with the waves crashing against the shore, i breathe in slowly and deeply. doughnuts. barbecues. salt. chips. icecream. suntan lotion. perfume, as the family with sticky children and a mother that is too fake-tanned walk past me.

i stretch out on my towel and lay there, feeling warmed by the sunshine, wrapping around me like a blanket. the smells at the beach, they remind me of the colour green - salty, chemically and smokey. many natural places smell like the colour green. this beach's green is more turquoise, like the colour of cyan, but more green. smell is often quite hard to describe, but the smell of the beach... it's beautiful. not only can you smell the sea, but you can almost smell the sun, and the sand.

its a distinct smell, the beach.

you could put anyone on a seafront blindfolded and they would be able to tell you where they are, confidently and easily. just by smell and hearing alone.

not only can you smell the sand, but you can smell the grass. the arcades. the cafes. the shops that only sell shit you never need. there are so many smells at the beach. but my favourite has to be the smell of the food.

chips, bacon, fish, cakes. anything and everything you could ever want to eat at a beach, its here. icream, candyfloss, rock candy. the food smells delectable, so very delicious that your mouth begins to water just at the scent.

the beach. what a wonderful place to smell.

"i dont know why! i just couldnt help myself!" i pase around the room, hands in my hair and tears streaming down my face. they drip into my mouth and i sniff. after silence passes for far too long, i look up at my partner. hes sitting there, staring at me, silently crying. sorrow instantly tugs at my insides. seeing him like this makes everything inside me squeeze. i feel claustrophobic suddenly. like my life is crashing and tumbling around me. i stumble foreward and place my hands on his cheeks: "im so sorry". i whisper my apologies five hundred times over, hoping that he'd forgive me.

his hands find my waist and he pulls me onto his lap, cradling me and soothing my onslaught of tears. why is he doing this? im the one who hurt him. im the one who brings him all this pain. i sniff and look up at him, shaking my head. he silences my unspoken words with a look: "theres no need to apologise, we'll get through this, im here with you." i nod and sniff again, reaching up amd wiping his tears from his face.

its at this point where i realise ive been in denial. for so long ive been living my life with him, convincing myself i dont love him. that maybe this will pass. im so scared of hurting him that loving him is an impossible thing. but now- i cant imagine life with anyone else. hes my endgame. my problems, my happiness, my stresses... i wnat to experience it all with him. my love from him fills me up so much i forget all my previous regrets. the fight from earlier on today feels like years ago as im held in his arms. the clock behind us ticks slower and outside the trees move gracefully in the wind. i shuffle on his lap and look at him, trying to engrave his feautures into my brain. the words fall out before i can even think: "i love you".

the grin on his face that follows is one i want to burn into the back of my eyelids. "i love you too. it doesnt matter about the fight you got in, im more worried about if you are ok- a- are you ok??" his hoarse voice kills me. hes been crying so much his throat is dry, because of me. i shake the thoughts away before i can let them cloud my judgement.

"im ok," i smile at him to solidify the fact im telling the truth and he returns it. i stand and hold out my hand. "shall we go get some pizza now?" he nods quickly and i lean forward, kissing the top of his head before walking out of the room, grabbing my keys.

the white light burns lines into my retinas; i huff at the ceiling. i sit up, a throbbing in my stomach makes itself known as i do so, i wince. the constant beeping of machines drills into my head like a metronome and i mentally beep along inside my own head. beep. beep. beep.

im going insane.

its quite claustrophobic to be hooked up to a machine. the stark white walls and floor blends with the harsh light above you - like how the movies describe heaven. i guess they want to give the patients comfort for when they eventually pass away inside the white room.

it also allows you to think. ive been doing a lot of thinking. thinking about death, about life, and ive come to terms with most of it. dont get me wrong, knowing the exact date of your death is scary, and knowing youll never see anyone you love again is daunting - especially when you havent told Them.

i smile dispite the bitterness. they never fail to bring a smile on my face. even if ill never see them again in a matter of days. the most hurtful thing about all of this is knowing the people around you will move on. they have to. and its not like you can console them, ive learned it makes them cry harder. you have to smile at them and say "ill never leave you. you can move on, and ill always be there, loving and protecting you." - i wont lie, ive shed some tears myself. but even then, i try not to let them see how pained i am to let go.

a cough brings me back to reality as i look over to find the source. the coma patient beside me splutters, like they hadnt had a drink in years. his throat sounds scratchy and i can feel the desert that is his throat as if its my own. i blink, turning my head, my bruised neck aching as much as my stomach. he writhes in his bed, sweat drips down his forehead as a pained expression crosses his face. "i didnt mean to... come back to me... i- i- i didnt mean to kill you..."

he calms down slowly, and suddenly constant beeping of the machines is comforting. beep. beep. beep. my heavy breathing breaks the rhythm; i let out a breath i didnt know i was holding. in the ward for patients who are unlikely to recover, you deal with a lot of death. a lot of pain. a lot of- well- suffering. but ive never heard of murder on this floor. maybe the odd "ill pull your life support" joke- but... nothing like that.

i listen to the steady beep, beep, beep. i wait. thinking carefully about whether i should just share what i have just heard...

"hunt down the traitor, and bring them back to me alive-" i giggle, interrupting the ghost story. the group look at me, confused and i shake my head, trying to stop the bubbles of laughter that have taken over me. everyone else beeaks down into laughter too. some even dropping marshmallows in surprise of my outburst. "what- what happened?" my friend looks up, turning off the torch that creepily illuminated the bottom half of her face.

"nothing- it was just funny to me-" is my reply after id calmed down the laughing. a snap of a twig makes the group jump simultaneously and turn towards the noise.

the fire crackles. the trees rustle. owls hoot.

the midnight sky holds stars gently in its grasp, suspending them in the air and providing us some light as we squint to see the visitor.

the bush sways. the leaves crunch. the visitor groans.

i stand and walk over to the bush. as if on queue, the visitor emerges. crimson covers almost their entire body. patches of hair had been plastered to their head with crust. sweat and what seems like blood mix together at their hairline. they limp in and fall face first into the ground. as the fire illuminates their body, i can just about make out words scrawled onto their flesh through holes in their clothes. etched into their skin was one word.

"traitor"

i dont even realise that my friends had backed away, huddling in a group while i kneel next to the one dubbed traitor. they mumble something over and over again. it is almost inaudible and the words, muttered so many times began to merge into one.

"pleshelpmey"

i frown, trying to decipher the sentence. when it dawns on me, i look up to my friends - a look of shock etched into my face. "they want us to help them," my voice shakes but as i stand, it gets stronger. "we need to help them." i look to my friends for help but they stand - petrified.

a twig snaps. voices reverberate around the forest. torches flash.

a gruff voice yells "hunt down the traitor, and bring them back to me. alive."

"morning!!" the blue one happily yells, waking up the others. the red one wakes with a scream, the yellow one groans in disgust, the green one chucks a pillow across the room and the purple one snuggles deeper under the blankets - sobbing. the blue one grins and opens the curtains, looking at the room from the large vision board. the blue one sighs happily and spins, arms outstretched: "i love the mornings!!" they press some buttons on a keypad and the room moves, the vision on the board changing like it was the view of a person getting out of bed.

the bed gets made, the curtains open and an outfit is picked. the cereal gets made - with much complaint from the yellow one - and teeth get brushed. the vision board shows a teen staring back at it, looking in a mirror. the teen is tall, with blonde, fluffy hair and green eyes. the blue one smiles, clicking some buttons and so does the reflection. the yellow one presses some buttons and the reflection makes a disgusted face. blue rolls their eyes playfully at yellow and controls the teen, making them go downstairs.

their mother sits at the dining room table, phone held loosely in their hands. purple suddenly gets up and walks forward, the red one taking control of the board. mother sniffs, fresh tears running down her cheeks. purple takes control and the teen runs over.

"hes dead." a simply complex five letter word that can fuck up your whole life. purple taps buttons and the teen sits, numb. they shake their head, unable to accept such a simple thing.

thats the problem with the concept of death. its such a simple word. but comprehending the death of your dad is like explaining quantum physics to a five year old. death cannot be explained. nobody knows what happens when you die, you just know that you move on. people die and youre supposed to deal with it. even if you have five emotions in your head trying to explain and make sense of everything - its hard. you blame yourself and then you blame the world. you blame god if you are religious. you blame everything except mother nature itself and thats because humans act that way. they refuse to believe things have no explanation. they refuse to believe cancer has no cure. the refuse to believe sudden death is sudden. everything is planned after all. isnt that what religion says?

purple starts tapping buttons, not used to being in the driver's seat. blue steps back, unable to understand whats going on. emotions don't understand other emotions. thats why yellow can never be blue and blue can never be green. blue doesnt understand sadness. purple doesnt understand happiness. green doesnt understand fear and so on. thats why happiness disappears when someone dies. it doesnt understand and therefore can no longer be in control. blue packs up their things and goes on a short holiday. they promise the others that they'll be back. soon enough, blue hopes.

and with that, the happiness disappears; sadness is in comtrol for a while.

i nod, not listening to what she is saying to me. instead my eyes are flitting around, noting all possible exits, and watching every single person in the cafe. closely. my eyes land on the mirror, watching the people eat and serve behind me. my constantly moving eyes finally stop- on me.

to the outside person, im a calm picture. however on the inside, im a nervous wreck. i fidget with my hands, i shift on my feet routinely and i make sure im constantly ready to get up and run. my eyes, blue in colour, sweep my body, trying to work out any possible chinks in my armour. my hair, tied back for easier getaway, is brown. a change from the blonde i had last week, and the black i had before that.

"are you listening to me?" i look back at her and nod. i smile and shoulder my pack before patting her shoulder in goodbye. being in the run isnt fun, but what acn you do when youre the most wanted person in the nation?

"send help."

the note was covered in blood. to the point where i couldnt read the thing. why the most wanted man in england sent a cry for help to the police i- i would never know. my team look at the dog and the note, confused as to why he would ask for us out of everyone he could have asked- ever.

"what do you make of it boss?" my team chorus at me, as i stare at the note. its still wet. i shake my head and call the dog over. he trots over with a slight limp, worries cloud my mind- but after stroking it, i could confirm that there is no visible injuries.

i get to my feet and take in my team. they stand there patiently, waiting for my call. "lets get this bastard." its a quiet order but they all spring into action. i dont know if this is a trap or not. but he'll pay for what he did. and i make i silent promise to my team that he will.

whistling around me, the wind ruffles my suit and hair, blocking my vision momentarily as it gives me a makeover. headlights glow down below me, the rain splatters the ground. a cold drop falls down my spine, i shiver. standing on a building is supposed to be empowering, but now... all i feel is disappointed. im supposed to be the most powerful person on earth, but, with this crying boy next to me... i feel weak. the only time i need to be strong, my power leaves me.

torrential rain chills me to my core. but what chills me more, are the sobs ripping from this poor boys body. he shivers and i step towards him; he flinches away from me.

i curse under my breath and his head snaps up, his tear-filled eyes meeting mine. tears mix with rain to the point where i cannot tell what are tears and what arent.

"why d-didnt you t-tell me?" he chokes out, stuttering on his sadness. i shake my head and look out to the road, storeys beneath us. "answer me!" he yells, sniffing, coughing and sobbing uncontrollably.

"i didnt want this to happen-" i get cut off by a laugh. a low, rolling laugh. one like thunder cracking across the sky. the world flashes. i cant look. i feel defeated. the person i hate the most in the world has taken the person i love most in the world. it presses deeper into his back; another sob leaves his throat. "i needed to keep you safe honey... im so sorry this is happening, but it'll be ok- ill get us out of this- i promise-" another laugh interrupts me. im forced to look.

they have my son.

"tell him." i nod. forced to obey their will for the first time since our first fight.

"he knows." is my reply, the laugh appears again and i walk forward. the next words i say are more aimed towards the person holding my son hostage. "i am ru-"

a gunshot.

"no you are not. i warned you not to lie."

"but i forgot my pants!" they call out in their american drawl from the boot of the car.

"what?!" i yell from the drivers seat. "how the hell! do you forget-" i put extra pronunciation on this next word "-trousers?!"

they flop into shotgun and sigh, shrugging. going anywhere with ardyn is never, not chaotic. they always forget something. i shake my head, grinning. not to be stereotypical, but blonde really fits their nature. "strawberry blonde" is what they swear upon, but anyone who is not completely colourblind can tell. the sky is closer to red than their hair is close to strawberry blonde.

our surroundings chnage from feilds and trees, slowly to more urban. small flats and shops start to appear on the side of the road and the speed limit changes from 70 to 20. i only notice because i have to pay attention to something- anything- other than ardyns complaining about their damn trousers. "they were my favourites!! i need them to meet your parents!! i only look good in those pants!!"

a groan escapes my lips as i pull into the nearest clothes shop. they lean over and kiss my cheek: "ill be back, and i'll bring you something too, maybe a matching tie." my face contorts in disgust, earning me a smile that could brighten the moons asshole.

i can't believe they forgot their "pants".

gnarled fingers reach for me, trip me, scratch me. twisting paths, clash into eachother, forming a sort of maze. leaves crunch, leaves whisper, leaves rustle. the figure moves and teleports; i watch for it. it escapes my grasp everytime. its like chasing a rainbow - everytime you think youre near enough, it runs away.

cold sweat drips down my spine as i look around my room. 1, 2, 3, 4. i count. i squeeze my hands together and focus on my shallow breathing. that dream recurrs constantly. i hear his screams from miles away, reverberating around my dry skull. i need to catch that figure. the figure that took my brother. every day i watch for it. but it escapes my grasp.

then my phone rings.

"we found him," i gasp, salt runs down my face, "but hes dead." i gasp, salt streams down my face.

my phone clatters across the room and ny body goes numb. for weeks, he had been claiming someone was following him - it was for attention, or so they thought. i should have believed him. but now its too late. hot boils deep down in my stomach, red clouds my vision. 1, 2, 3, 4. i count. suddenly im in the bathroom and splashing ny face with cold water, it basically steaming as it touches my skin. i shudder. the mirror reflects my white, shaken, body.

i see it. deep black shadows cloud around the walls. whats left of my happiness is ripped from my body right there and then.

i feel cold.

freezing isnt the word. sub-zero isnt the word. i could search a thousand thesauruses in a million languages and i wouldnt be able to find the correct word. my brother had been missing for weeks and id spent that whole time searching for it. and nows its here. i know, because i watched for it.

a clawed hand grips my shoulder, forcing me to look at its reflection. i meet its- eyes? no. pits wouod be the word. my mouth makes a silent "o" as i realise what- sorry- who, im staring at.

death, himself.

"i'll take care of him for you." and with that, he disappears. to this day, i still watch for it.