I’ve never been to this lake before, I’m not one to be drawn to lakes for no particular purpose. I’m more of an ocean girl, really.
Standing on the dock, I take in the most obvious details. It overlooks the acres of mountain that continues on for miles and right at the mountain head, the thick fog touches and hugs every surface area at the top. This way you can see mountain, and mountain + fog; mostly fog.
As I’m breathing in the cold air that smells like sap and fresh trees, I sit down on the dock, pondering about the lifelessness of the lake. The lake itself appears so inhabited by different sea creatures, different fish, and the mountains are filled with an abundant amount of creatures—too vast to count. I take a deep breath as I’m thinking and taking note of my surroundings, I feel my chest becoming constricted. It’s so much harder to breathe.
I begin to take more breaths but this overwhelming feeling of fear has already settled and has taken host of my whole body. As I’m struggling to breath, each breath getting taken faster, and the panic getting heavier, the fear that I had has multiplied.
Suddenly, the clouds that were mixed with hues of blue are now big bodies of clouds mixed with dull, dreary gray hues. It becomes harder to take inventory of my surroundings and identify any changes around me but even as my breathing shortens, I’m able to still pay some attention.
Women’s screams and cries begin to sound like a symphony in my ears and it’s growing in size. I start to hear more voices. Voice after voice, and voice after voice. The numbers don’t stop and they overwhelm my ears with sadness and panic.
What happened here?
I see no women, but yet the women seem so real. Their voices are so clear. If I had any hopes about my fear going away, this was clearly a sign that it‘s not going to.
My vision starts to blur and I see images of this same lake, except a girl is on this dock in place of me. Next, I see her underneath the water drowning and attempting to scream and go back up to the surface of water but she’s powerless. Chains are tying her feet together and they’re attached to a large weight. I can see her fight for her life and the very look in her eyes as she realizes that the fight is useless. It feels like forever before I see that she is no longer drawing breath and her body starts to sink.
Then I see another women standing on the same dock I’m sitting on, her back facing the lake. Her eyes are full of fear and her hand is trembling, if she takes one more step back she’d be in the lake. The next image of her that I see is of her floating on top of the water, blood painted all across her torso and face. She was stabbed and cut up all over. I can see her lying lifeless on the lake, no breathing, no more panic, absolutely nothing. But while she’s lying there, the sounds of the women ring louder and I can pick out one voice among the rest; her voice. I don’t know her name or what she sounds like, but I do know her voice now. I can hear her crying in desperation and it doesn’t stop.
My stomach begins to churn as I not only see this happening to two different women, but dozens all at once. My breathing speeds up and my heart is racing. The dark presence is so tightly bound to me it feels like I’m almost a part of that darkness.
The screams, the cries, the blood, the look of panic on their faces and the hopelessness overwhelms me.
I start to cry, not just cry—I begin to sob. I can feel the pain of all these women and the pain of the families missing their own children, wives, daughters and siblings. All the connections those dear to her had with her, aren’t gone. They’re here, still grieving the loss of their beloved.
I decided to leave shortly after I wipe my eyes, but I can’t shake off what just occurred. I can’t get rid of what I had just seen, of what I’d experienced.
I went back home that day feeling somber and I couldn’t eat for days.
Oh, lover
please forgive me.
For
when I look at you,
I can no longer look at you the same.
Your eyes were once so adoring
but they are something
I am no longer faithfully exploring.
I cannot gaze at you
as I have before
but know
you are something I still adore.
I, still
can envision
all the hues in your eyes;
a holy temple to my soul.
Oh,
so lover
forgive me.
These eyes of mine cry
and these eyes of mine try
to see your perfection clearly
but wearily
it fails.
Oh,
so lover
forgive me
forgive my eyes.
“Fish only live so long, dear,” my mommy told me. I gulped. I did not like this news, I did not like this news one bit. I did not like that fish had to die so fast. I did not want to see my Goldie die.
“Well, how’s that fair Ma?” I asked between a tear.
“Angie, a lot of things in life aren’t fair. There’s lots of things that aren’t okay. I’m learning to accept things that aren’t okay so that I don’t feel too hurt. And it’s going to be the same for you with Goldie. Sometimes, you have to learn how life is. It can be really sad but trust me, once you realize this you’ll learn to appreciate life.”
I shook my head, “No. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with Goldie dying…he’s my best friend.”
My mom came and gave me a hug, a big hug that made me feel all warm inside. My mommy gives the bestest hugs in the whole wide world.
“Angie, you probably don’t remember your father but he loved you. He loved you lots,” she smiled widely. “And when he found out he was sick, all he could think about was leaving his baby. He didn’t want to leave you, Angie. But he had to go, his body told him it was his time to go and he had to go.”
Mommy’s hug became much tighter and I heard her sniffling.
Was mommy crying?
I’ve never seen mommy cry over daddy before. Mommy never liked to talk about daddy either. She said it was best not to talk about things that she couldn’t change, I think mommy is smart that way.
Mommy kept crying so I kept hugging her. I don’t like to see mommy sad.
“Was daddy your best friend?” Mom began to loosen her hug and unwrap herself from our hug. She wiped her big red eyes and sniffled again.
“The bestest.” She smiled while crying. She looked so sad but she also looked really happy. Is mom okay?
“Who’s your best friend now?” I asked. My mom smiled again while a tear fell.
“Still, your daddy baby,” she brought me in for another hug. “But now I’ve got an amazing angel of a daughter who reminds me so much of my best friend.”
“Wow, I’m like daddy?” I asked excitedly. This was amazing. If daddy’s anything like me, he’s probably really funny! And, a great artist! “What was he like?”
“Like you. He was creative, caring, always had an appetite and never stopped dreaming. He had big dreams, and not the kinds you get while you’re sleeping. They’re the kinds you get during the day and he always wanted to make them come true in his life, and I see that in you Angie.” Mom looked at me with happiness in her eyes. She wasn’t crying over daddy anymore.
“Wow. Dad sounds so cool! Was he fat?” I blurted.
My mom laughed hard.
“No, no, no. Your father was a lot of things but never fat,” my mom shook her head, laughing more. “ Although he did eat like a dinosaur, he never gained a pound. Your father liked playing outside like you, so all he ate didn’t do anything but make him happy.”
I smiled. Dad was talented like me! We both eat a ton and aren’t fat!
“Does this mean I get to see Goldie up close now like in my dream?” I asked. I really wanted to see her really big like my dream. I thought about it all the time.
“If you dream big enough.” She winked at me with a smile.
Maybe, just maybe if I keep dreaming hard enough, I’ll make it come true just like daddy did!
“Thanks mom!” I hugged her one last time and ran off to my room. My mom gave me one big smile.
I needed to dream.
And I needed to dream big.
To be like my daddy.
You do not know,
What I will not show.
You stand over me,
So you say you see me.
You see my patterns,
So you say you understand me.
You see my colors,
So you say you know me.
You know where I begin,
So you say you know how I am.
You see the sparkling surface,
So you say you see my beauty.
But you’ve seen what’s been showed,
What I’ve allowed.
I do not hide,
But I have a lot unseen.
I do not ask for permission,
I am not forceful.
I am not mysterious,
I can be comprehended.
I am not unpredictable,
I have my notions.
I am not tamable,
I have my own bounds.
You only see,
What I will have you know.
Take time for yourself, they said
Go for a walk, they said
It’s safe, they said
If only they knew the horrors awaiting me
If only they knew the amount of shivering I would endure in deepest part of the forest
If only they knew how it hurt to be aggressively squeezed by the throat
If only they knew how it felt to attempt to breathe in oxygen
If only they knew it would be my last night
Maybe, just maybe
They would’ve told me otherwise
Vomit traced my lips,
My reflection was something I would never miss.
My body fatiguing,
inching its way to decay with every breathing minute.
Panic had taken host of my body and the irreplaceable memories haunted my mind,
Was else was there to do? What other option was I left with?
So at night whenever I felt I was without life,
I would channel my emotions into these destructive actions.
Purge.
Eat.
Repeat.
The liquid I knew all too well as tears, filled my eyes til I could no longer see.
My hazy vision took a glance at my washed up figure in despise as I sobbed.
At an instant,
I fell hard to the floor.
I’m done pretending.
I don’t want to cry anymore.
My mind became to vibrate. Static buzzing was the intensifying symphony in my ears.
I looked down at my hands, which unusually appeared red in comparison to the rest of my body and were trembling without cease.
I couldn’t glance at my eyes, but I can only imagine how sickening they looked. Pink; no longer white, horrid.
My head started to sway, and the world started tilting me right to left, left to right and right to left again.
I clutched my stomach as I knew what was about to happen; the nauseas feeling in me was about to come to an end.
Before I could stop myself, I bent over and hurled out everything inside of me.
I could feel electricity shooting through my veins as my body craved something it was supposedly missing.
Was was wrong with me?
My body took over my hands and without permission they began to quiver, while they worked alongside with my neck, it twitching without relent.
I scanned the room I was in, there being more then ten people i felt trapped. Enclosed. The more and more heads I counted, the lighter my head got.
I smacked myself to snap out of it, trying to figure out where the hell I was.
I detected a Starbucks sign, so it meant I was safely in a Starbucks.
How I got here, I needed to find out.
Why I felt uneasy, I needed to figure out.
It was just then when a ding blared loudly in my backpocket that I finally felt myself come to my senses. Both my mind and body were in agreement, and picked up the phone from my pocket.
“Did you grab your meds? Don’t tell me you forgot again. I’ll be there in ten.”
The text was from my mom, reminding me to bring my meds to school. Oh, how foolish of me to forget. I’m glad I stayed at a Starbucks.
