I cannot call you by your name but you are still my brother You carved out a place in the universe big enough to leave me out Moving away must have been hard on you but after all I heard It made it sweeter to me than ever Peace at last forget me

I cannot call you by your name but you are still my friend You hid away in this big universe but still made room for me Choosing to stay I know is the hardest choice you made But after all we said together I’m glad you chose Peace at last remember me

It’s easier to tell someone the truth when you can’t see their face When you aren’t looking into their eyes it’s so much easier to tell them the truth Telling them the hard truths come easier when you can’t see what their face looks like So I avoid faces wherever I go so I can tell them the truth I hide my own to make it easier on them to tell me the truth Because everyone should know the truth no matter how hard it hurts Even if no one ever looks at each others face

I’m starting to feel like my brother wasn’t all that crazy. I mean he is, like, clinically mental. But Maybe he isn’t you know? I’m starting to feel like his screaming and shouting and general smashing of Dads shit isn’t what we used to think. I mean he could wake us up screaming about the monsters and begging pleading with them to leave him alone But we all thought he was paranoid or delusional or those other long ass words the therapist told us. I mean looking back on it now it makes sense why he’d scream so much. He didn’t know how to behave to make them gentler. Dad always told us to breathe through it. But Alex never listened to him, and so the monsters hurt him more. Will used to tell me to find a happy place, remember that beach we went to when we were kids? Imagine you’re there, and you won’t feel anything because you’ll live on the beach. Alex never listened to Will either. It seemed like he’d never understand that if you’re good, they won’t come for you, they won’t hurt you. Will and I are alike, I mean he’s my brother so of course we’re similar, but we learned quick to not make a fuss, not to scream or shout, beg or plead, and definitely. Never break Dads things. Like EVER. He’d make the monsters hurt us more if we did. So we learned to be quite, find the happy place where we can’t see the dark looming figures, can’t feel their burning touch or harsh claws. So I’d retreat to the beach, the calm ocean waves flowing along my legs Taking off my shirt in the sun, and feeling the soft sand on my back The waves are gentle The sand is soft The air is cold The beach is the opposite of my bedroom The room I share with Will The room where the monsters are The beach is calm The beach cannot hurt me The spray of ocean water is pleasant and refreshing I’m waist deep in the water now I think I’ll stay here On the beach It’s nice here, without the monsters I can breathe free, it’s painless At the beach I don’t see the monsters Or the exchange between them and Dad I can’t hear my brother scream here I don’t feel the claws Or the hot breaths Or the sharp thud of pain of…. The rocks I fall onto when a wave is particularly harsh Of course I fall on my ass infront of Will I try so hard to look cool by wading out deeper and deeper But I can’t measure up to him just yet Just you wait I can be better than him, I can let the waves pull me deeper Until I’m floating on my back in the middle of a now calm ocean The tides moving in and out less The cool water surrounding me All over And when I come back to shore the sand won’t cling to me as much I won’t have to wash the sand off my legs, and more lucrative areas I’ll be able to ride my way home instead of hauling myself into the car I’ll have more energy than him Be able to swim farther Go faster And breathe deeper And the monsters will bother me less I won’t stay up crying into my pillow Hoping my little brother won’t hear me- But I do hear him And I talk to him I tell him about the beach How far I can swim now But my story is interrupted by Alex screaming at the monsters again God I wish he’d just learn I wish he’d shut up so they don’t hurt him as bad It makes me sad seeing what marks they leave behind for him being bad If only he’d be good just once, then he’d know how easy it can be to go back to the beach I really really hope he learns to visit the beach Maybe I’ll ask him as a birthday present It’s an important one after all Will said 10 is his lucky number, and nothing bad can happen on my birthday right? No dark figures will come and interrupt me sharing my cake with Alex and Will right? Right?

I promise man Nothings out to get you Not even me with my stupid Competitive behaviour

I promise man I’m here for the long run I’ll stick by you through thick Or thin, as I usually am these days

I promise man I’ll do better for you For myself and for us so you don’t Feel like loving me is getting harder Each and every day

I promise man We’re still young don’t throw us away You mean too much to lose Yet again

I promise mate I’ll keep on going It’s not me fading away but you Out of my life

I promise mate Take all the time you need To better yourself To make living me easier If you can

I promise mate I know I’m not good enough You’re way outta my league Nothing I do is good For anyone I know

I promise love Just don’t leave me here Waiting for you Til the day I die Don’t leave me Alone

I promise love I know it’s not your fault I’m making this harder on us all For no reason at all

I promise Love My reason is you I’ll never leave your side Even if you leave mine Just don’t take what’s left of good When you leave me with

Our bro/ken promises Just see me