I’m starting to feel like my brother wasn’t all that crazy.

I mean he is, like, clinically mental. But

Maybe he isn’t you know?

I’m starting to feel like his screaming and shouting and general smashing of Dads shit isn’t what we used to think.

I mean he could wake us up screaming about the monsters and begging pleading with them to leave him alone

But we all thought he was paranoid or delusional or those other long ass words the therapist told us.

I mean looking back on it now it makes sense why he’d scream so much.

He didn’t know how to behave to make them gentler.

Dad always told us to breathe through it.

But Alex never listened to him, and so the monsters hurt him more.

Will used to tell me to find a happy place, remember that beach we went to when we were kids? Imagine you’re there, and you won’t feel anything because you’ll live on the beach.

Alex never listened to Will either.

It seemed like he’d never understand that if you’re good, they won’t come for you, they won’t hurt you.

Will and I are alike, I mean he’s my brother so of course we’re similar, but we learned quick to not make a fuss, not to scream or shout, beg or plead, and definitely. Never break Dads things. Like EVER.

He’d make the monsters hurt us more if we did.

So we learned to be quite, find the happy place where we can’t see the dark looming figures, can’t feel their burning touch or harsh claws.

So I’d retreat to the beach, the calm ocean waves flowing along my legs

Taking off my shirt in the sun, and feeling the soft sand on my back

The waves are gentle

The sand is soft

The air is cold

The beach is the opposite of my bedroom

The room I share with Will

The room where the monsters are

The beach is calm

The beach cannot hurt me

The spray of ocean water is pleasant and refreshing

I’m waist deep in the water now

I think I’ll stay here

On the beach

It’s nice here, without the monsters

I can breathe free, it’s painless

At the beach I don’t see the monsters

Or the exchange between them and Dad

I can’t hear my brother scream here

I don’t feel the claws

Or the hot breaths

Or the sharp thud of pain of….

The rocks I fall onto when a wave is particularly harsh

Of course I fall on my ass infront of Will

I try so hard to look cool by wading out deeper and deeper

But I can’t measure up to him just yet

Just you wait

I can be better than him,

I can let the waves pull me deeper

Until I’m floating on my back in the middle of a now calm ocean

The tides moving in and out less

The cool water surrounding me

All over

And when I come back to shore the sand won’t cling to me as much

I won’t have to wash the sand off my legs, and more lucrative areas

I’ll be able to ride my way home instead of hauling myself into the car

I’ll have more energy than him

Be able to swim farther

Go faster

And breathe deeper

And the monsters will bother me less

I won’t stay up crying into my pillow

Hoping my little brother won’t hear me-

But I do hear him

And I talk to him

I tell him about the beach

How far I can swim now

But my story is interrupted by Alex screaming at the monsters again

God I wish he’d just learn

I wish he’d shut up so they don’t hurt him as bad

It makes me sad seeing what marks they leave behind for him being bad

If only he’d be good just once, then he’d know how easy it can be to go back to the beach

I really really hope he learns to visit the beach

Maybe I’ll ask him as a birthday present

It’s an important one after all

Will said 10 is his lucky number, and nothing bad can happen on my birthday right?

No dark figures will come and interrupt me sharing my cake with Alex and Will right?

Right?