Writing Prompt
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[/cw dismorphia]
I try avoid looking in the mirror. The thing is, I don’t like, what I see. When I look in the mirror I can’t really see myself. It’s like I see a different person. It doesn’t feel like me. Everything is so disorted. My face is not my face. When the mouth of the person in the mirror moves, it doesn’t feel like it is me that makes it move. I see into the eyes of the person in the mirror and I can’t feel a thing. They’re deep, endless. They try to reach up to my soul but can’t find anything. When I look in the mirror it almost feels like the devil’s looking back at me. Telling me lies, untrue words, whispers in my ear and caresses my cheeks. When I look in the mirror I can’t see what everyone else sees. I try to understand what they see. Try to feel it too. But it feels almost riddiculous. I try to laugh about it but the laughing of the face in the mirror can’t seem to reach their eyes. Soulless, empty.
My eyes slowly opened, the sun blinding my vision. There I laid, naked and alone. But something was off, something was different. Once my eyes had adjusted to the light, I looked around to find that the walls were a pale blue shade. Mine were grey. In place of the crucifix I hung up on the wall not so long ago was the picture of a me and another woman, stood on steep, grassy hills with daisy bushes behind us. We were kissing. The mere sight of it made me feel uneasy. Partially because I knew the woman. Charlene, my childhood friend. I had fallen in love with her when I was young, and she and I kissed, held hands, spent all our days together. I would pine for her like never before, and she would pine for me too. Her gorgeous brown eyes, her silky, blonde hair, everything about her was perfect. Until one day I was taken away. To go to a camp. To find God. I looked left. My heart sank as I saw the mirror.
My reflection didn’t look anything like me. It had dark, red skin and my eyes were painted black, with no visible pupils. I almost looked possessed. My chest looked huge, my legs much longer than they were before. Sharp, curved horns grew up out of my head, reaching high up into the air. The black horns gleamed in the sunlight, making them look almost liquid in texture. The figure I saw before me I could only identify as devil-like. I was terrified. “This must be my punishment.” I thought. “This is what I get for loving her.”
She walked into the room. Nothing about her seemed off. She looked at me as if my looks were ordinary, a huge smile painted on her face as she sat in my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. I felt the guilt eat me up inside, but as I looked back in the mirror, the devil I saw was no longer there. Instead it was my normal reflection. My long, ginger hair swaying in the summer breeze, a smattering of freckles on my face. My eyes returned to their emerald green colour and I let out a sigh of relief.
“Are you okay, Tilly?” The words came out in a soft, southern accent. A sense of peace overwhelmed me at the sound of her voice, as I nuzzled into her neck. It was natural to me, even though the thought of it was the most unnatural, ungodly thing to ever be. “Yes. Yes I am.” Her deep, velvety eyes rested on my lips as she pulled me closer, her thin lips meeting my own, pulling them into a soft, slow dance. My heart simultaneously sank and soared at her action, as I gave myself to the love that laid in her kiss. “How could I do this?” I asked myself. “How could I betray my faith and everything I believe in for this woman?” But then she stopped. Pulled herself away from me, as she put her hand down her shirt. When it came back, a crucifix came with it, on a necklace around her neck.
“Don’t be afraid.” She whispered gently. “It’s okay.” It was in that moment that I realised the mirror was wrong the whole time. This love didn’t make me a devil. I wasn’t wrong for wanting this. This feeling was the most beautiful feeling I had ever experienced in my entire existence. She was everything I wanted, my whole world was filled with her and her body, her soul, her spirit.
“I lost my mind trying to deny such an integral part of who I am. Now I’m trying to make up for it but the guilt is still there, gnawing away at me like a hungry child.” Her eyes softened as she kissed my forehead, her hands falling to my hips. “You found God, didn’t you?” “I don’t think I did.” I bit my lip. “Why not?” “Because I don’t think the God I knew is the true God.” She replied with words I had forced myself never to think, “What if all He wanted was your heart?” I shook my head, clinging on to the last bit of resolve I had. “I can’t-“ “You can.” She spoke firmly. “Because when you kissed me, you felt it.” “Felt what?” “The Holy Spirit.” A sudden onslaught of tears streamed down my pale, white face , turning me into a crying mess. She held me close as I laid down next to her, resting my head on her chest. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” “No it’s not! I’m sick! I’m sick of being sick!” “No, you’re different. Different, not sick.” She replied, stroking my hair gently, wiping my tears with her other hand. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” I croaked. “I do.” She whispered. “You’re the girl who used to run through the daisy fields with me. The girl with the orange hair and the freckles. You’re the girl that I fell in love with.” I felt a stab of pain at the word ‘love.’ But it was only because I was beginning to realise that I was so wrong. I was wrong for running. I was wrong for believing what they told me. I was wrong for denying myself the chance to love this sweet, kind, funny girl who cradled me close. “I’m scared. So scared.” I admitted. “Why?” “I’m scared to go to hell.” A sigh came from her, her hot breath on my forehead. “God never said that it was a sin.” “Yes but-“ “No buts.” She interrupted. “You were told the answer you want to hear. You were fed on lies, since your birth, and now you’re terrified. That’s only natural, baby.” I sat in silence, taking her words in. Absorbing them. I wanted to believe that she was right, but doubt still lingered in my heart. Doubt cast by the people who’d raised me. The church. The world. This thought made me curl closer to her, feeling her body beat against my bare skin. “Just don’t think.” She said. “Don’t think about anything except who you are and how you feel when you’re around me.” I did think. I thought long and I thought hard. The sound of her heart beating filled my ears. I knew that when I was around her I felt so much more alive, I felt so much more like myself and that I was free. This new feeling was more than I could comprehend. And no matter what anybody else had to say, I felt holy. Her lips connected with my forehead, slowly moving down until they pressed softly onto my own. Every single cell in my body felt electrified, my head spinning as I allowed myself to fall, allowed myself to breathe, allowed myself to relax in her arms. I drowned in her loving touch. She tasted like freedom, liberty, peace, love. And as my hands found their way up her torso, we toppled over onto the bed, our limbs intertwining, fingers grasping. It was beautiful. It was wrong. And God, it was glorious.
And afterwards, when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see a demon. I saw a girl. A girl with red hair and freckled cheeks smiling back at me, and a girl with brown eyes and blonde hair kiss my neck. I saw home.
I woke up in my bed, all alone, with the grey walls and the crucifix hanging near the window. And that’s when I dialled her number.
When I look into the mirror I don’t see The pretty girl Everyone says is me Instead there’s an ugly person I just don’t understand. I try everything. Makeup. Pretty clothes. Dieting. Every day I look in the mirror Am I pretty now? Am I pretty now? Am I pretty now? It just gets worse. Am I beautiful? Am I beautiful? Am I beautiful? The monster smiles and grows even uglier. Am I gorgeous? Am I gorgeous? Am I gorgeous? I realize I was all along Until I started asking if I was. Because now the monster’s come out of the mirror… And lives within.
When I look in the mirror, I see a monster. On my birthday I was dressed in a pretty pink gown, but all I saw was a monster. My friends and family insisted I’m fine, they didn’t see the creature I describe. But I saw it. I always saw it. It ruined my self identity My wedding day All my shopping excursions involving clothes. It stalks me Waiting For the right moment. It envies me Wants my life What will it do? One night I went to sleep It stayed there even though there was no one to reflect The next morning I woke up _In _the mirror. I look out and see it conversing with my family Like it’s _me. _ _ _No one notices I’m trapped here forever It winks at me, smiles “Who’s the monster now?”
“Mirrors have always lied to me.”
I don’t mean in the way they stretch light, warp shadows, or flip words backwards. I mean they’ve never shown me the truth. Do you ever look too long and feel something looking back? Something that isn’t quite you?
I do.
I always have.
When i was little, i thought it was a trick of the light. The way my reflection would linger half a second too long, the way the eyes in the glass seemed brighter, like they knew something I didn’t. My mother told me i had an overactive imagination. My therapist called it dissociation. My friends just laughed it off.
But they don’t see what i see. Because when i look in the mirror, i see something else entirely.
And lately… its been getting worse.
It started with small things-little inconsistencies that most people would brush off. A blink I didn’t remember making. A tilt of the head that felt unfamiliar. A shadow passing behind me when no one else was home.
Then came the smiling.
I don’t smile much. Not in the way she does. My reflection, i mean.
I’ll be standing in front of the bathroom mirror, brushing my hair or washing my hands, and for a moment , everything s normal. But then ill glance up and there it is. That wide, sharp grin stretching across my face. Except… I didn’t smile.
I never do.
I started covering my mirrors after that. Every single one. Sheets, towels, whatever i could find. It didn’t stop the dreams, though.
Or the voice.
“I know why you’re afraid of me, Evelyn.”
It speaks to me now. Low and sweet, like a song hummed just beneath the surface of my mind. I try to ignore it. I tell myself it’s all in my head.
But deep down, i know the truth.
The thing in the mirror, she isn’t me.
Not yet.
I wake up in the middle of the night heart pounding the air thick with something wrong. The room is dark but i swear i feel eyes on me pressing in like a weight against my chest. My breath is uneven as i reach for my phone, squinting at the time. 3:12 AM.
That’s when I hear it.
A soft creak. A shift in the silence.
I freeze, my fingers tightening around the blanket. The mirrors are covered. I made sure of that before bed. But still… something feels off.
Slowly, i sit up. The darkness is heavy, stretching into the corners of the room, and i scan the space, searching for whatever has me feeling uneasy.
Then I see it.
The vanity mirror by my closet. The one i covered days ago.
The sheet is on the floor.
My throat goes dry. I don’t remember taking it down. I know I didn’t.
But the mirror is bare, gleaming in the dim glow of my phone screen. And my reflection she’s standing there, wide-eyed, lips curling into that too-sharp grin.
Only… I haven’t moved.
I want to run. To look away. To pretend this isn’t happening. But I can’t. I’m rooted in place, my breath coming in quick, shallow bursts.
Then slowly, she tilts her head. Just a fraction to the left.
And so does mine.
I don’t remember doing it. I don’t feel myself doing it. But there it is. A perfect echo. A second too late.
My stomach tightens, nausea twisting in my gut. My fingers twitch aching to reach for my phone to turn on the light to do something. But I don’t move.
I can’t.
Then without warning, my reflection lifts a hand.
And my fingers move with it
But I didn’t tell them to.
A slow, crawling sensation spreads through my limbs, like invisible strings pulling me forward. The glass hums just barley, like a sound beneath sound, pressing into my skull.
My lips part.
I don’t hear the words.
I feel them.
Curling from my throat like they don’t belong to me.
“Let me out.”
I am trapped, no, IT is trapped. In me. I am the only one who can see it, and only in the mirror, only where realities meet.
I feel its impact on me. I never thought about doing something… not regular, but now my curiosity blows my mind and banishes my brain somewhere beyond the mirror. I feel like I am being possessed by IT, and it goes deeper and deeper in my mind each time I think about it. I am the one who let it stay, because I am what I am, and IT is my part of my true self.
When I look in the mirror, I see future self. I see what I am truly are without the weight of anyone and anything. IT helps me to discover my inner strength and desire.
When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a fair-haired, skinny, happy girl. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see what other people see.
When I look in the mirror, I see a sad, angry, lonely girl. When I look in the mirror, I see only flaws and imperfections. I see myself distorted. I see someone who wants to end it.
Should I?
My hands trembled as I looked down at them like I had never seen them before as i toppled to the rough grassy ground that laid below me. I struggled to stand back up as my tears echoed through the rocky cavern. It seemed that no matter how loud I cried out there was nothing I could do. I glanced down towards my hands once more which were once pale but now was imbedded with deep red scales and a demonic aura that climbed off of my fingertips. The disease moved its way from my fingertips to my palms as it scaled up to my elbow and climbed to my pale shoulder as if zapped its way down my lanky body and landed at my feet. I screamed in agonizing pain as I stumbled backwards into a wall which wasn’t even a wall in the first place. I turned around and gripped my demonic hands around the object which I now knew was a mirror as I stared deep into what was once my own reflection. I watched as the disease climbed its way up my neck and took over my cheeks and eyes. Never once did I ever think one small mistake could lead to this. My tears glowed as they ran down my thick red skin and blood trickled down my forehead as its black horns began emerging from the sides of my head. They stuck up like sharp antennas though held their ground like a soilder. My head throbbed as my vision blurred and I stumbled back. I touched my head just to look down and see my whole hand covered in my own blood. I fell back on the grassy floor once more as my head fell back and my arms gave out. My eyes flickered open and shut as I struggled to keep my consciousness. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this will cure me. I struggled as I took a deep inhale from my nose. Though I never did seem to exhale.
When I look in the mirror, who is looking back at me? I don’t recognise the person in my reflection. I don’t know if I ever have, but sometimes I wonder if I ever will. She has horns where her hair should be, no heart, and when you look into her soul, a black abyss looks back. When she looks back at me through the mirror she looks like a stranger, but there is also something in her that I recognise, that I know.
We both look left. We both look right. We both look up. We both look down. In the reflection of the mirror, I see my mother enter my bedroom from the door behind me. I turn to say hi, but the door behind me remains closed and no one is there. When I look back into the mirror, the horned creature smiles at me and moves its head towards my mother in the reflection to make sure that I notice she is definitely in the room. I watch as the creature stands up and walks over to my mother and hear my mother say, “Hi Anna, don’t forget to get your stuff together for school tomorrow.” “I will do that now, thanks for reminding me!” The creature says in reply.
I stand up and scream at my mother in the reflection, “Don’t talk to that creature! Can’t you see it’s not me?!” My mother turns and leaves the room as though she didn’t hear a word I said. As the creature turns back to look at me, I turn around and run for the door on the other side of my room. I try to grab the handle to throw the door open and escape this nightmare, but there is no handle. There is no door. It’s just a picture painted onto the wall.
Every day I watch in the mirror as the creature lives my life. Going to school, hanging with friends, talking to my family. How does no one see what I see? How don’t they know it’s not me? The items in my room are there, as they would normally be. The only fake item that I have discovered so far is the door.
I have been here for a long time now, and there has never been any food or drink, but neither have I felt hungry or thirsty.
How do I escape this room? I have tried everything I can think of. I am desperate to be free of this nightmare. My frustration grows as I watch the creature wear my clothes, sleep in my bed, live with my family, go to my school and hang out with my friends.
The anger and the rage builds inside me until I finally snap. I grab the lamp from my bedside table, the creature watching my every move. I scream into the mirror, letting all my anger and frustration explode from my body, and throw the lamp at the mirror causing the glass to shatter and fall all around me. I fall to my knees on the ground, feeling defeated and sob quietly to myself. Will I be stuck here forever?
A hand reaches down to help me up. I take it. I look up and see the creature standing in front of me. “Come with me,” she said. “You’re finally ready to accept the truth.” “What truth?” I reply. “That I am you, and you are me. I am your deepest, darkest desires that you don’t want to see. I am the demon inside you.”
THE END
I’ve always hated my reflection.
The way he’d stare back, follow my every move. Never offering any sort of advice or wisdom.
He showed me my every imperfection. The scar across my cheek, the bags under my eyes.
What I hated even more than that damn reflection was that he was free.
I want to feel the sun on my skin. I want to feel the touch of another.
To be beyond the mirror.