When your world dies, you do. That’s what the books I’ve read say. Then why am I still here? Why am I still alive?

I stare up at the dark, starless sky, wishing it would suck me up into its depths of oblivion. The moon watches me from its perch, a full moon shining ever so bright. I here the crunching of leaves behind me before the sound stops and I feel a warm body beside me.

“James, you look like you could use some company.” Katrina pats my shoulder before sighing and looking to where my gaze is. “It’s such a beautiful night tonight, isn’t it? Karl would’ve loved this.”

My body tenses instantly. Karl would’ve loved this is ringing in my ears. The sky above me turns blurry, unreal. I faintly hear Katrina try to gain my attention. Past tense. There’s no need to use past tense—he’s here; he has to be alive still.

I don’t even realize I’m crying until Katrina starts to wipe them off with the back of her hand. I lurch up, hands coming to wrap around my knees. Katrina holds my face in her hands; she’s crying too.

“Hey, James, hey. We’ll be fine without him—“

“What are you talking about!” I push her away and wipe my tears away roughly, quickly, biting down on my lip to knock some sense into myself. I was doing so well with hiding this—this—

Don’t be selfish, James. For me, just for me, do what you can to help all of us. Every Disordered alive.

I calm my breath and look back to the sky. The moon seems paler now, distant then before. Katrina is staring at me, waiting. Although she had the power to know my location and personal information, she doesn’t have the power her brother had—has. She can’t impact or know what my emotions are. So she waits.

“Yeah,” it’s better just to go along with her for now. I’ll find soon when I interrogate that thing. “We can try….” I stand up, wiping the back of my trousers and I continue to stare at the sky. Although Katrina doesn’t have the same ability as Karl, she can still read people. “Let’s go now.”

The quicker we get back, the quicker I can find answers.

—//—

(Sorry it’s so short. Fall break; Imma be hanging out with my biological father for the week. yay? I wanna add more characters to the world of Blanks and Disordered so if you wanna help with that, I would appreciate it. If you wanna know details just ask me. I’ll put my ideas in the comments below.

Thanks for reading and have a great day. ♡!)

I have a different relationship with each family member.

My dad is my adventure buddy. No matter how stupid the thing I want to do it, he will go along. Volleyball, running, juggling, he will do it all.

My mom is interesting. She can tease me so much it’s unbearable, but she is the most loving person I know. She loved the horses and the boys and whatever else I throw at her.

My brother is kind of my built in buddy. We bicker about anything but I tend to have the most fun with him. It’s what little brothers are for.

My sister is my best friend and worst enemy. One moment we are dancing to Disney songs and the next we are having a screaming match. And it is never the same day to day.

Nonetheless, I love them all, and I couldn’t live without them.

(Guys, if you read this, I love you so much!!!❤️🥰😍)

I run free with my brothers They’re my friends for life

They’ve been by my side Through joy and through strife

Bedside at my birth They’ve been with me since then

And we’ll live our whole life together And even be each others best men

Nothing can break us apart We’re tight as can be

That’s something Everyone can plainly see

I love my brothers And they love me

Nothing can break The bond of family

a great man was born in dublin, 1939 oh, a country torn by many a wretched swine

with more siblings than fingers on two hands born to a clan deep in the lands

brought to a small home on the wrong side of the Liffey oh, but his heart did roam told his Mam he’d be back in a jiffy

for how could he predict he’d meet an english girl Islington they had picked they were married in a whirl

a kind soul was she trained as a nurse always a little carefree read out a bible verse

soon enough they had four kids to call their own they’d say “Look Dad! We’re finally all grown!”

because soon they left too just as he had done before loved each other through and through what a family to adore

but this great man never had someone to share his interests at the banjo he wasn’t bad played his irish tunes with no diffidence

years and countries down the road his kids had kids too but that was just as his pulse slowed and illness he couldn’t push through

oh, Grandad what a shame i was eight at your wake but i carry on your name the love you couldn’t shake

for i too have a banjo now and i love the black velvet band so, for you, i’ll say a vow i’ll keep the family grand

been piecing together a family tree it’s taken me five years i hope you’d be proud of me i can almost hear your cheers

so, Grandad, what i’m trying to say i’d like to have properly known you but your legacy will live another day i’ll piece the parts together with glue.

We were visiting a family friend on his farm.

I remember running through the cornfield, towards the forest behind the farm.

We entered the woods, stepping over the rocks on the ledge. Green floura grew through the cracks of the rocks reaching towards the warm golden sun. Yellow flowers began to bloom, dotting the ground how crystals sparkle in granite. We follow the lightly tread dirt path.

I followed my brothers, thorns snagging on my skin. As we journeyed further into the forest. They pointed out different creatures, I remember a fox scurrying across the trail.

The family friend led us up towards a cliff, off the trail. It was a small divot in the ground and tree roots seemed to encase it. He told the story passed on to him, of how the natives would use this spot as a lookout. He called it the Eagle’s nest.

I remember the view as I sat nestled in the lookout. You could see the lake shimmering in the bright summer sun. I could see over the trees and the roads leading to another barn. he pointed to it explaining that the lady who showed him this spot used to live there.

We continued down the path jumping from rock to rock. It was an old quarry. Me and my brothers climbed the side of the rock walls, the thrill of adventure racing through our veins. We continued the hike, stopping to explore the deep crevices carved by the glaciers hundreds of years ago. We climbed the mossy rocks, going deeper, searching small caves, jumping over the ledges to the other side. It was a day I will never forget.

A body was propped flat on our dinner table. This wasn’t the first time. I remember that first time, when my heart was beating so heavily in my chest that I thought I would faint. I had been 3 years old. Now, I was eleven, and my heart was still. Just another day.

“We’ll need to dispose of this,” Father said, his hands clasped behind his back. “Jackie knows what to do.”

That was me. I nodded.

“Show your brothers how it’s done, Jackie. Make me proud. Make Mother proud. She’s too sick to help out right now, but she used to love nights like this. I can see Willie is shaking left to right, Billie too. Show them there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Father had always been an imposing figure. Willie and Billie were young, and sensitive on their good days, so seeing this dead man on the table now must have really given them a shock. It was their first time.

“I’ll show them, Father.”

“I’ll leave you to it, then. Make the family proud,” Father smirked and left the room to sit with Mother.

I showed Willie and Billie all I knew about disposing of the human body. They cried, they trembled, and they shook their heads at me. Willie said he didn’t want to get dirty; I said there was no way around that in this line of work. It was a family trade.

Father inspected our work some time later and patted me on the back. “You make a fine butcher, son. The others did good, too,” he winked. “With this one taken care of, how about you find another? Bring them here. Some way, some how.”

I nodded and ushered Willie and Billie out the door. For Father to trust me with this was a large task. I was becoming a man.

We ran out the front door of our cabin towards the city at the other side of the forest trees. Willie in the front, Billie in the middle, and me at the back. We would find our prey and make Father proud. The family depended on it.

Children see colors. Sky so blue, Drifting with each breaths Wild to our minds how vast it was Like an ocean watching us from above Grass so green, Following us as it waved Chasing us across the fields Shuttering and shivering with the wind As we raced it to the edge of the world Flower so pink, Planted and blooming alone Making it all the more beautiful

Adults grow blind. Sky so dark, Storm brewing No time to admire what it is Only see the clouds approaching Blanketing our happiness Drowning us in grey Grass so still, Staying in place Merely something to walk on Nothing more Flower so dead, Withering and dreary It could never last in this cruel, dark world

Elijah felt the wagon wheels bounce across the rutted prairie path below him. He knew he wasn’t well, his leg hurt terribly, but he’d never known serious sickness in his short ten year life.

His mother Abeline sat next to him, holding his hand and keeping the cool moist towel pressed to her son’s forehead. She worked hard not to cry.

Selling their little plot of land and most of their possessions to join the migration westward had seemed like the best choice for their family.

A large plot of fertile land would be a chance to build something, something that the children could count on to support them as they grew and started families of their own - not like the debt-burdened unproductive farm they were leaving behind.

Now four weeks and just 1000 miles into their journey, Abeline and her husband Jared could already see they’d made the wrong decision. They were so focused on the promise of prosperity for their family in the future that they’d blinded themselves to the danger of losing what they already had.

Without access to a doctor, they knew it could be just a matter of time before Elijah succumbed to the infection he’d contracted after cutting his foot the previous week.

Their daughter Jane hadn’t slept since they left St. Louis. She was overcome by anxiety from the loss of everything she’d known, and from the uncertainty of what lay ahead. Her eight year old mind could not handle it; she was acting out and threatening to hurt herself.

With his wife tending to Elijah, and his despondent daughter wrapped tightly in a blanket perched on the front of the wagon, Jared walked alongside with the oxen. He knew they’d only wanted what was best for their family in the future, but now he had to face the very real possibility that they were on a journey that would destroy it.

(I really hope this isn’t cheesy I’m not the best at poetry)

Family Is hard This I know Family Has challenges This I know Family Is love This I know Family Is feeling safe and secure This I know Family Is people you care about This I know Family Is not limited by who you’re bound to by blood This I know Families Will change And families With grow But that’s the beauty in them This I know

Throw it in the fire and watch it burn

The memories we had

They make me sad

Every time you leave saying goodbye is easier And every time you leave these tears dry

I don't know who I'm looking at but I know the person I'm looking at isn't you I get a glimpse of you every time I get a whiff of that cigarette smell I hate the way I remember you

The pain you caused was too much to bear but I was a kid who couldn't understand it

You say you're coming but then text a minute later and say you're not why am I still staring at the window waiting? I guess drugs are more important and all you have to say is no

I'm done running from you spent my whole life in your shadows scared of who I'd be if I were happy I love you but I can't allow you to drown the both of us

I miss you I do but I can't allow myself to live in the past I need to move on I have Real friends that are counting on me I love you sister but I'm done with your lies so maybe we could pretend you never hated the family? I'll never let you get too close for if I do ill be broke beyond healing