(Sorry this is so long lol. Thanks for reading though :) Also, this does mention depression and suicidal thoughts. Just a TW!)

“I’m not depressed, Mom”

Because I’m not. I’m just a girl who likes to write really sad poetry. Is that so bad?

“Honey… you were diagnosed with depression. Whether you think you’re depressed or not, you need therapy.”

I had it all figured out. Yes, my mind has been in a dark place lately, but I had a mask. I wore a gorgeous smile every day and owned it. If my ex best friend, Em, hadn’t ratted me out, I’d still have control.

I would still be able to let my mind wander freely without people hovering over me. Trying to steal my independence and control.

“Please, Jai, work with us.”

Why would I want to work with anyone? They’re all working against me!

I just want to be alone. I wouldn’t be happy, but happiness isn’t something I’m looking for. I’m looking for peace.

“I just want to go to sleep.”

“No honey, you’re going to therapy then we’re visiting Em.”

People make me want to gag. Especially my therapist and Em.

Sometimes even my mom.

I peel myself off the couch and groan as I force my shoes on my feet.

I hate shoes.

I hate life.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

That was the worst visit ever.

Em spent the whole time asking me questions I didn’t want to answer.

“How are you _doing_, Jailyn? How’s _therapy_?”

Or

“Jailyn, you should _talk_ more. I mean, who doesn’t like _talking_? Why don’t you _talk_?”

And her cat kept hissing at me.

My mom can disown me, but I’m never coming back again.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

Finally, the best part of the day, time for sleep.

I snuggle in my warm blanket and Brownie comes and sleeps on my bed.

He snores but I don’t care.

I let my mind wander. I think about my last poem.

_A pond_

_Which looks so shallow_

_Is 6 feet deep._

_He ran _

_Through the fields_

_As I struggled to swim_

_My arms_

_Slowly went limp_

_And I drowned_

_He never_

_Even looked back_

_I never even cried for help_

I fall asleep to the sound of my ragged breathing and the feeling of emptiness that I can’t seem to escape in the deepest part of my heart_._

_ {~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}_

A weird sound is coming from my door.

I float over and grab the doorknob, because in this world, there is no pressure. It’s all just free.

I giggle when I see a goose on my porch.

“You are a quacky mess.”

_What?_

“Name’s Frank. Gonna need to come in.”

A tense feeling clutches at my heart but I shake it away. No. No stress.

“Take me away.” I tell Frank

The house walls were starting to close in on me. What was happening?

“Really? Oh well alright”

And he lifts me up.

We fly.

The stars fly with us.

“The stars are flying!!!!” I giggle

“Your head is stuck in a butthole!” Frank quacked

_What? _No. Tell him to stop.

He’s interrupting my peace!

That’s when I see my report card.

“Look at your grades!” He quacked. “They’re quacking low!”

I can’t look away. He’s right.

But what does it matter?

This human existence is just an endless cycle of being left alone and failing. Who would even care if I got good grades? I wouldn’t. I would just slap myself for not doing better.

Suddenly, I feel a slap. Ow!

“There, there’s your slap!” He quacked

“What is even going on?! How are you reading my mind?! Why do you exist?”

“I’m here to help you. Because you are unite lucky, but you just don’t know it.”

“I don’t need you HELP! I’m fine! Ugh, I hate you!”

I felt my anger rising. The sky was darkening. I felt weightless and helpless, like I couldn’t control anything.

That’s when Frank waved both his wings in my face.

And I fell straight down.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

My mouth feels really weird.

Why does my bottom feel…wet?

My arms feel like paper! Am I sick?!

Wait, why am I-

OH MY GOD! I leaped backwards in terror.

I’m a DUCK! Holy droppings!

Great, now I swear like a duck too?

“Welcome.” Frank says behind me. “To Duck World! This pond is called UrMom’sSoCoolShesLiterallyAduck”

I stare at him.

Then yell “Get me out of here!!”

I can’t be here. I need my bed. I frantically look around.

_Woah. _My eyesight is good. Everything is so…clear.

“Look, I can only turn you back after a day. So…”

Great.

A day of being a duck.

I hate ducks.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

“Why are we up so early?”

I usually sleep in til noon on Sundays. Later if my mom lets me.

“Before dawn is when ducks find their safe spot for the day and socialize.”

Socialize?! Son of a duck.

“We’re going to meet my friends.”

“Frank, no!”

“We’re not like humans.” Frank says in front of me.

And off we go.

The water is so quacking cold. How do ducks float around on it all day?

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

Frank’s friends are funny.

They ask me about my human family. I say I have a mom, but she’s so ducking annoying.

“Moms are the worst. All mine ever eats is her own poop.”

“Mine makes ME eat her poop. She says it has fiber in it.”

“Mine ate my poop when I was a duckling. She’d sit by me and watch me poop, and then shoo me away so she could ‘savor her meal’”

I’m quacking up like crazy. Humans are never stupid funny like this.

This reminds me of the nights Em and I used to spend together, laughing at the dumbest things.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

This pond is so filled with nature. Everywhere I look, there’s flowers or lily pads.

It feels nice to just float.

“Bath time!” Frank says behind me.

Ugh I’d rather just keep floating.

“Do what I do.” Frank demands.

He washes his mouth in mud. I slowly do too.

He licks his feathers. I do too.

He dives underwater. I do too.

It feels….nice.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

“I’m so hungry. I want pancakes.”

All I can think about is pancakes. I usually don’t want them, but today I do.

“Ugh, you’re so lame! Out here, we have the goods. Nature!” Frank is on a lily pad next to me.

“Gross.”

“Not gross. It’s time to forage!”

My stomach grumbles. All I want is my human body back.

Frank and his friends waddle onto land. I hungrily follow. Frank collects worms with his beak. His friends collect leaves.

“What if they’re poisonous?”

“Just go for it, Jailyn! It’s all good!”

The taste of leaves in my mouth is unusual. But I bring it to the table.

And we feast. The worms taste squirmy, but i’m no longer hungry anymore.

“Humans” Frank says “They’re coming.”

_What?_

“They want to kill us. We don’t know why.”

My heart drops.

“We have a plan though. A very good shelter. But we all have to be alert today while we rest.”

“You mean… I could get killed too?”

“Yes we all could.”

Panic startles me. The pressure. It’s on.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

I can’t die.

There are whispers in my brain telling me that I shouldn’t care. That life isn’t worth living.

Usually that would comfort me.

But now it’s scaring me.

I have a mom who loves me back home. I have a best friend who hasn’t stopped trying to connect with me. No, they aren’t perfect, but I’m not either.

Also, if I can survive being a duck, I can survive anything.

That’s when I break down.

How could humans be so cruel and careless? We’re all in this life together, trying to survive. Ducks don’t deserve to die. No animal does.

I cry, until I can’t anymore.

And eventually fall asleep….

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

I wake up to a lot of quacks around me. I’m in a sheltered area, resting.

But something isn’t right.

“Frank?!” I call.

Then I hear rustling and footsteps above me.

My heart drops.

_Humans._

My mind tells me_ _that it’s time.

Time to let go.

I’ve wanted to stop fighting for so long, and this is my chance to finally get peace. Besides, everyone I love thinks I’m a total mess.

_I’m not worth it. _

I’m about to quit, but a voice stops me.

“Be brave, Jailyn.”

It’s Ronnie, Frank’s friend.

That’s what i’ve been missing.

Bravery.

My mom used to tell me that bravery isn’t about always feeling accomplished and happy. It’s about doing the right thing even when you’re down.

So I dive underwater, because the alarm signal is getting louder. A duck is in a heap of droppings, and they need to be saved.

I find Frank stuck in a mud bath, where the mud is rising. I force myself to fly the best I can and aim right for Frank.

I hear the humans yell “DUCKS!”

But all I can see is Frank drowning_._

Then I see nothing_._

_ {~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}_

I wake up in my own bed.

I’m a human again.

It was all a dream. It felt so real.

Ronnie’s words are ringing in my head, like a telephone gone unheard.

A new poem comes to mind. A short one.

_Bravery_

_Like an unreachable star_

_Yet actually just a shy neighbor_

__

_It’s power_

_Can save you_

_Once it’s found_

__

__

My mom comes in, startling me. I stiffen.

“Hey honey! Good morning! How are you?” she sits on my bed like she did when I was a kid.

I’m not ready for this. But here I go.

“Mom… I’m not okay. I’m… you’re right… I’m depressed.”

I start trembling, and she quickly grabs me.

“Oh Jailyn. How- what…”

“Ducks.” I say to her chest. “They saved me.”

❤️