December 1, 2020

My therapist thought I should write this. She said it would help. I have so much trouble keeping my thoughts straight and I feel so strange all the time. It’s like my skin is crawling. I’m always being watched. She gave me some pills. I hope they work.

- David Miller

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December 4, 2020

I’m not doing any better today. My therapist thinks I should write in a journal to help keep my thoughts straight. She said this was a side effect of the trauma, but I just don’t know. I don’t feel particularly traumatized. I feel fine, even if I can’t really remember what happened. But that’s probably for the best anyway. From what they tell me, it was pretty bad, and the things I do remember suck.

- Avery Miller

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December 15, 2020

The pills have stopped working. It’s not just a feeling of being watched. I know I’m being watched. And not just that I’ve started to hear things. I’m not sure if they’re real. Just whispers, but every time I ask people to repeat themselves, they look at me funny. At first I thought someone was playing a joke. Or just being a jerk. But the more it started to happen, the more freaked out I got. So I’m back to writing because I need to keep thing straight in my head.

- David Miller

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December 16, 2020

I feel so tired this morning that I can’t really hold the pen steady. I went to bed, and slept hard. I don’t even think I dreamed last night. It was just blackness all night. You’d think I’d have woken up this morning feeling better. But I don’t. My head hurts so bad today. I’m going to take a sick day. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

- David Miller

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December 17, 2020

I’m starting to remember things, some happy, some sad. My brother was the best. I can’t believe I forgot him. My therapist thinks it’s a huge step forward in my treatment. She thinks we’ve finally gotten my dosage right. All I know is there is a spot in my memory I’m afraid to go. I could probably remember if I wanted to, but I’m not sure I do. I think remembering my brother will still be enough. He always knew how to make me laugh.

- Avery Miller

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December 20, 2020

I’m so fucking over these idiots. I tried to keep them safe, I tried to help them, but they keep going back and I can’t stop them any longer. If they want to fight me for control, I’ll show them why I’m the strong one. We don’t need pills. There’s nothing wrong with us. It’s that bitch who’s the problem.

- Thomas

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December 22, 2020

I keep blacking out. I think the pills are not helping me any more. I just wish my brother was still here. He always knew what to do. He was always the smart one. I found something today which kind of freaks me out. It was a notebook under my bed that I don’t remember seeing before. The handwriting isn’t mine. That’s for sure, but whoever wrote it sounded angry.

- Avery Miller

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December 23, 2020

All this isolation must be getting to me. They say COVID has been the worst for mental health crises. I’m sitting here looking at two journals I’ve never seen before. One has got some freaky passages about the strong and the weak and there are some fucked up pictures in there. One seems nice. It’s from a guy who misses his brother. I must have picked these up the last time I went out for a walk. Someone must have dropped them on the street or something because I don’t really remember picking them up. Anyway, I decided to call Dr. Ballinger again and schedule an appointment. She sounded worried over the phone.

- David Miller

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December 29, 2020

David, Avery, I think it’s finally time I introduce myself. My name is Thomas. You don’t remember, because I have been the one keeping you safe, but you suffered some pretty fucked up shit a few years ago. We’re talking lots of blood and guts. That damned doctor was trying to get you to remember, but I remember you curled in a sniveling little ball. You don’t want to remember so stop trying. And don’t try calling Dr. Ballinger again because she won’t answer you any more. I’m serious. Leave it alone

- Thomas

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December 31, 2020

Oh god. She died. I don’t know what happened. I don’t even remember trying to go to my appointment. I remember getting ready for it, and then I woke up in bed again with this Thomas notebook on my night stand. The police have been asking questions, but I don’t know anything. I barely even remember talking to them. I just kind of zoned out. I need to find some help. I just want to get better

- Avery Miller

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January 1, 2021

Fine. Enough of this shit. New Year. All ME.

- Thomas