Dear Dad,

I hope you’re happy.

I hope you found what

you were looking for.

Whatever it was that

made you walk out

the door.

Must’ve been

damn important,

I’m sure.

I wonder what it would’ve been like,

to learn from you - or rather learn from what you should’ve been. All those things a father should teach his boy. To throw a football, to stand up for himself and others. To shave - when the boy was of age.

The things a father should teach a man - to love, to provide, to be honest - to have integrity. A father should teach a young man to be a father - not be empty - nor perpetuate misery.

Of course, I learned all this and more. Just not from you. Though, I’ll admit, you likely wouldn’t have had the capacity to teach me most of this. I’m sure you can throw a football, however.

I remember how you ‘taught’ me to swim.

You threw your son into the deep end.

And fucking swim I did.

I suppose I should thank you for that lesson. Cause I’ve felt like I was drowning since - but I never fail to find the surface.

As with your absence, that taught me to endure. I’m not sure what a 5 year old boy was supposed to do with such thick fucking skin. I buried it in my heart, I think.

Later it would blossom into sin.

You know, I had to bear your mistakes as a boy. As a man I bear yours and mine as well. Funny to carry such hell - and still not run from it. Like you did. I’m carrying more than you ever did. Or ever could. And I’m standing strong. I’ll never walk out on those who I provide for. I’ll never turn my back on those who rely on me. I’ll lead my family. I’ll love my family. Oh, how I have outgrown you! I’ve grown ever stronger from carrying you.

I’ll raise my son. I’ll see to it to equip him.

I’ll make sure that he becomes twice the man I am. I’ll teach him love. To love. And that he is loved. The world will teach him pain - and he will learn to be tough without my instruction.

When we were taken from mom, where were you? When we needed a father, we got the system. And the system chewed us up and spit us out. All the while, you were nowhere to be found.

I’m writing you this to show you what I’ve become. I’ve become something so far beyond you - I doubt you’d understand. Grandpa probably never taught you to raise a man. That shit ends here. Your ghost hangs on my shoulders - yet I will always stand. Don’t feel proud. I did this without you. And I’m glad for it. When hell comes for me I fucking charge at it.

I want you to know that I only love you because He told me to. There’s nothing more in me that would make me care for you. Not with all the pain that you put us through. I’m glad my son hasn’t met you. He doesn’t deserve to be abandoned too.

I’m counting down the days to hear the news - that you’re dead from drug abuse.

I won’t weep for what I would lose.

I’ll mourn for what I never had - but wanted from you. That’s the truth.

If you get this and you feel like you can’t breathe - just know it’s cause I threw you in the deep end… just like you did to me.

Sink or swim, dad. Wake the fuck up.

Man up. I did. I’ll be 30 soon. You still haven’t figured this shit out and you’re, what, like 62?

You do you, man. Live it up. That’s what you always wanted - that’s what you showed to us. In a way, this is a happy ending for the both of us.

We deserved better. You should have been better. You should get better.

I hope you get this letter.

Happy ‘Father’s’ Day,

Fred

Signed,

The son you left for dead.