Once stuffing food into my mouth

not caring about carbs

or calories

people around me

who liked to eat too

different spices

flavors

bursting on my tongue

until eighth grade

it was like

when everyone stopped wearing

our white uniform polo

i did too

i never cared about which was which

until everyone else did

lunchtime was my favorite time of day

where i got to laugh with my friends

and eat a full meal

until it wasn’t

how could i eat

if no one around me was?

i started to notice

the food on my plate

things were okay at first

i just thought they were struggling

and i wasn’t

but when the people around you do something

natural instinct is to follow

sandwiches became salads

lunch became fearful

i started skipping breakfast entirely

then at lunch id eat a slice of bread

i always said i was picky

when i went home id pretend i had a lot of homework

then i’d fall asleep during dinner

and miss that too

when no one around me ate

i didn’t want to either

i started not craving

the delicious snacks i used to

i dropped pounds

that i still haven’t gained back

suddenly chewing was unatural

suddenly i felt uncomfortable when people talked about food

suddenly i wanted to forget how to eat

i went out to dinner one night

with my friends from our school play

i didn’t order anything

said i was sharing with a friend

i didn’t eat any of it

i didn’t want to

my guy friend made fun of me

told me i had an eating disorder

i laughed

said my stomach hurt

it didn’t

things got worse over the summer

i started going to swim practice

on an apple

i didn’t eat all day

and went to a fight class

suddenly my legs started shaking

my vision blurred

until i couldn’t see at all

only a dark abyss

i thought id never escape

i fell to the ground

my vision came back

the instructor asked if i’d eaten all day

i shook my head

she looked at me

she knew

a week later

it happened again

in the middle of a store

i had to sit in the middle of the bustling crowd

couldn’t make it back to the car

without multiple stops to sit down

at preseason for dance

i walked in

thinking everything would be okay

i’d only eaten a few chips

but i thought i could conserve my energy

as i spun and twirled and jumped

all went black

again

the doctor told me to eat

my mom would yell at me

and all i could do

was stare at my full plate

until i took a bite

and threw the rest out

things are better now

i can talk about food

and be okay

sometimes i get uncomfortable

and i still skip some meals

but i don’t faint anymore

and im starting to

remember how to eat