I sent you three pictures of us in one i had duck lips the next a closed lip smirk and the last a full bright smile you replied to that one and said it was your favorite you posted a picture of us out of all the homecoming photos we took you chose the one with my teeth sparkling in the cameras flash I’ve spent years locking my real smile away and pursing my lips never to show my teeth again but you bring it out in me now my photos are genuine a big grin taking up my face in pictures with my friends my family with the people on my dance team but most of all with you who brought out the genuine joy i buried deep down so long ago to look appealing but you love when i’m happy so overjoyed i laugh so hard i throw my head back and it feels like fireworks shooting up into the sky because of something funny you said and you love my laugh my ugly loud laugh and now you’ve got me smiling with my teeth

you called me and we explained why we did the things we did i told you how you hurt me you apologized you told me why if you had just told me while it was happening we could’ve avoided so much heart wrenching pain but no

we worked things out and i’m so happy we did truly but you told me something so peculiar

you did want to take me to that dance not just as friends but more you told everyone else a different story so they wouldn’t think you liked me they all knew and honestly i knew too but i wasn’t going to humiliate myself not again you said you were going to ask me but he beat you to it and i’m glad he did things could’ve worked out between us but you were too late if only you hadn’t tiptoed around the idea that you still want me i’m glad we’re friends again but part of me will always wonder what if you asked me first?

A heart cannot beat once it’s been broken too many times

we carry our hearts filled with love pain hurt we hold them so they don’t burst at the seems emotions flowing from within sometimes our hearts beat too fast when we’re scared or excited it’s the same reaction just a different feeling

a heart can also be stabbed blood gushing cut deep a heart can merely be nicked a small cut that can heal but scar forever a heart carries everything and takes everything the good and bad

a heart is fragile must be taken with care because it won’t beat if it’s been broken too many times

Once stuffing food into my mouth not caring about carbs or calories people around me who liked to eat too different spices flavors bursting on my tongue until eighth grade

it was like when everyone stopped wearing our white uniform polo i did too i never cared about which was which until everyone else did lunchtime was my favorite time of day where i got to laugh with my friends and eat a full meal until it wasn’t how could i eat if no one around me was?

i started to notice the food on my plate things were okay at first i just thought they were struggling and i wasn’t but when the people around you do something natural instinct is to follow sandwiches became salads lunch became fearful i started skipping breakfast entirely then at lunch id eat a slice of bread i always said i was picky when i went home id pretend i had a lot of homework then i’d fall asleep during dinner and miss that too when no one around me ate i didn’t want to either

i started not craving the delicious snacks i used to i dropped pounds that i still haven’t gained back suddenly chewing was unatural suddenly i felt uncomfortable when people talked about food suddenly i wanted to forget how to eat

i went out to dinner one night with my friends from our school play i didn’t order anything said i was sharing with a friend i didn’t eat any of it i didn’t want to my guy friend made fun of me told me i had an eating disorder i laughed said my stomach hurt it didn’t

things got worse over the summer i started going to swim practice on an apple i didn’t eat all day and went to a fight class suddenly my legs started shaking my vision blurred until i couldn’t see at all only a dark abyss i thought id never escape i fell to the ground my vision came back the instructor asked if i’d eaten all day i shook my head she looked at me she knew

a week later it happened again in the middle of a store i had to sit in the middle of the bustling crowd couldn’t make it back to the car without multiple stops to sit down

at preseason for dance i walked in thinking everything would be okay i’d only eaten a few chips but i thought i could conserve my energy as i spun and twirled and jumped all went black again

the doctor told me to eat my mom would yell at me and all i could do was stare at my full plate until i took a bite and threw the rest out

things are better now i can talk about food and be okay sometimes i get uncomfortable and i still skip some meals but i don’t faint anymore and im starting to remember how to eat

I dreamt of you last night it was lovely we were at school i told you i missed you and i was sorry you said it was okay you texted me later that night i woke up you weren’t there

come back come back come back i want you to come back i want you to tell me why you didn’t talk to me i want you to tell me why you would want to tell me what i did i don’t know i talked to you the day before school started but you didn’t talk to me why why why please just tell me it’s driving me crazy

The feel of your soft hands on my skin up and down a soothing stroke as you feel my arm because i just waxed it little did i know that would be the last time you touched me

cuddles from you better than my own boyfriend could ever give me your natural scent a comfort i didn’t realize i needed until we stopped holding each other your lovely smelling hair of green apples and something else i can’t quite describe i love your hair now i wish i could be there to tell you that

i don’t know why we don’t talk anymore i truly wonder you got me through one of the lowest points of my life i will be forever grateful to you for that you gave the best hugs and had the sweetest voice and oh god, i miss it you seem sad now i wish i was there to help you but i’m not i’m sorry for that i wish you would come back take me in your open arms draw comforting circles on my back like you used to

Does it ever occur to you that maybe you were the one who stopped talking to me? i lost my best friend too and i miss you but you stopped talking to me embarrassed me when i tried to talk to you and you didn’t answer just nodded your head i smiled at you when i saw you in the hallways with my friends

i still wear your bracelet the string is brown and the letters are scratching off the colors have worn away like our friendship but i still wear it everyday i don’t really know why it’s a comfort thing now honestly sometimes i think if i wear it you’ll come back but you never do

I’m not supposed to be the oldest You are you’re never around but when you were you made it known you hated me you told me you showed me you were never around so i have to be the oldest IM the one who holds them when our parents fight IM the one who watches them when no one else will IM the one who picks them up from the bus because you’re not here to do it I never had anyone to do that for me i have to do it i’m supposed to have an older brother you’re supposed to be my older brother so why don’t you act like it why won’t you love me my mom wishes i was a better older sister because i don’t spend all my time with them but you never spent ANY time with me you come back now you say you love me now you admit you didn’t before but you do now it’s too late the damage is done a void in my heart that only could’ve been filled by your love that was never there I’m the oldest but i’m not supposed to be my friends talk about their older siblings how their relationships are good even if they fight sometimes why wasn’t that us? why couldn’t you love me? you’re supposed to be my older brother but you’re not and you proved it i’m not supposed to be the oldest but i am i have to say goodnight to our brothers every night and there’s no one to say good night to me but there should’ve been you forced me to take a responsibility that was so rightfully yours even worse you didn’t have to you could’ve loved me like a real brother should maybe you’re only half of me but the pain in my heart because of you is full

You are Lovely everything about you is my favorite i love your hair light brown so soft when my hands run through it it feels like cotton candy I love your eyes green like the forests deep filled with untold stories you’ll tell me one day i love the birthmarks on your neck i love your cupids bow it gives you the sweetest smile that made me fall in love with you at first glance i love your abs sculpted by a greek god themselves i love your tan skin i love your hands and the way they make me feel when you run them all over me in forbidden places where no one else does i love your scent your cologne mixed with your boyish musk that i can’t quite describe but most of all i love your arms strong veined big gorgeous arms i told you that i don’t think i’ve ever met anyone as attractive as you i really meant it staring at you is like a gift i could do it forever i’ve never felt such a strong emotion for a boy i’m so in love with you i don’t even know how it happened you might be physically appealing but you’re just as gorgeous on the inside too you always always text me good morning before i wake up so i can wake up happy i told you id finally be up early enough to text you good morning but of course you set your alarm so you could wake up at 3:30 am just so i could still wake up to your good morning on the one day you didn’t have to wake up early you did for me and i love you for that you give me your hoodies so i can have a piece of you when you’re away and you switch them out when they don’t smell like you anymore you hug me for long periods of time your strong arms encircling my torso sometimes i forget to hug back and i just stand there resting my head on your shoulder your strong shoulder your brother walks in he asks why you keep hugging me you say it’s because you love me you hold me even tighter and in that moment in your arms i found my home

I will try harder than i ever have before if you just tell me why why you stopped talking to me and why you were so cruel when you did why did you ignore me on the first day of school? on the bus when i tried to talk to you you kept looking away i felt like an idiot i thought we worked things out last year you said we did i apologized so many times i included you more i told you i loved you and id always love you and thats still true we’re blood you and i always will be there is a piece of you in my soul and no matter how hard i try to rip it out it will always be there and i want to try again really, i do but i need to know why you just stopped talking to me because i know i know i know that you can see me when i look at you and every memory replays in my head i know you can see the wrenching pain in my eyes even when i look away

i’m glad we’re on the same page i’m glad it’s not just me who misses us i know you don’t believe me i really don’t care because i know you miss me i miss you and that’s goddamn refreshing you’re a good actress i’ll give you that you really don’t seem to care i’m glad you do though

I love the life i’ve built for myself I’m truly happy I smile This time it’s real My lips don’t hurt from holding it for so long I love my friends Our laughter ringing in my ears so light and delicate I could make a dance to it although there will always be one thing missing I too told myself I moved on thought it just isn’t meant to be no closure or anything just being ignored the day we go back to school my eyes dimmed yours were too i didn’t know why

i miss you i fucking miss you i know you can see the way i look at you your love for me might be gone memories are forever i think about ours a lot the distinct smell of your house how it was always neat besides your closet different pieces of clothes from your different phases that i was there for your black and white checkered bucket hat your light blue flower printed dress the straps always fell off your light green jacket i remember all of it i saw your brother at blue white night gave him a hug he looked like you

you always told me that since we’re so close we could go forever without talking and we’d still be okay you told me that when i needed you most it felt like a hurricane i grappled onto you begging you not to leave me while tears ran down my cheeks you told me it didn’t matter if you didn’t talk to me but i didn’t have anyone else

things were better a year later when i had my own friends but then you were jealous i told you the same thing you said okay but you weren’t i had to ask you myself and inevitably you erupted on me i felt awful god, i honestly still do the amount of tears i wept that night were more than any i’ve ever cried for anyone

i wish you were still here so i could tell you how im not in that toxic relationship i’m with someone better now so much better who really does care about me i wish you were there for my first kiss i wish i was there for yours

you hadn’t really written about me until recently most of the time it was just for your boyfriend or ex girlfriend or friend of the month it seemed those were the people you cared about and you didn’t really care for me until i was gone

everything’s over now you have your own friends and i have mine but i’ll always have a piece of you in my heart for my world isn’t mine without you in it

The past few months have been a blur endless yelling mom to dad dad vents to me about mom he says it’s a never ending fight i don’t like when he says that i try to repair their relationship but it was dead a long time ago they don’t say i love you anymore i haven’t seen them hug each other in months all i hear is yelling there’s not a lot of love at home so little i can’t call it home at all i don’t remember every time i try to block them out but they come creeping back dad told us we were moving far away i wouldn’t be back at school i’d never see my friends dad locked us in the basement while he and mom fought i didn’t cry i put on a brave face for my brothers knowing my whole life was falling apart we ended up staying and school was starting the next day so when i came back i was out of it eyes glazed over as i walked through the halls thinking of how i almost lost the people i’ve known my whole life some of them don’t talk to me much i still care about them though and that’s what matters i look at their wedding photos how they once saw each other with so much love now gone sometimes i think it’s my fault they fight over things they wouldn’t fight about if they didn’t have kids i hold my little brothers as they cry i don’t i know i have to be strong i cry at night i go to school the next day with puffy eyes i try to tell my friends but they don’t listen i feel a pain a physical seething pain in my heart anytime i hear a yell i hate yelling yet it is all i know i hate anger yet it is all i know i can’t be vulnerable at home more yelling more anger i project onto those i care about people often say i have a short temper i laugh but i know deep down where it came from i show my sadness in anger like my parents do things have blurred over the summer i’ve lost touch with people worried about fighting like my parents i’d rather drift than end on a fight i focus on things that have already happened i spiral about things that might happen i can’t trust new people and im losing my old maybe i’ll find peace with myself while hearing all the yelling at home i get worried i see myself in my parents i don’t come from love how can i show it?