“You were the only reason, the only reason at all. You were my peace, and now I feel like I can’t even think.. I can’t even breathe..” I said to him with tears rolling down my face.

“You knew how things were, you knew.. I don’t know what else to say..” He said back to me.

“Yeah, I did know. But knowing and being blindsided by it happening and it actually becoming more real, more permanent… it’s a lot to take in. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, like you’ve taken all the air from my lungs.. I cry whenever I think about it, my eyes burn. You just don’t get it. You don’t understand my feelings. Maybe you never have.” I walked away. I needed some air. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.

I think I was in shock. The days were passing but I was frozen in time. I solely existed on one spot on my couch and always in the same clothing. When I wasn’t on the couch I was in bed sleeping. Why? Because sleep meant I didn’t have to think about my life. Sleep meant time passed and my head was empty, lucky enough for me I didn't dream.

I loved him. I couldn't help it, could stop it, couldn't turn it off. I've tried but it's pointless. I know I can exist without him, I've done it every time he's disappeared. But I hate it. Talking to him is the highlight of my day. And I could go on and on about all of the things I feel about him, the thoughts I have about him... But none of it would make a difference. I could have been everything he ever wanted... and he let me go, so I guess he'll never know.

That's what I think stings the most. The fact that he didn't care, that he let me walk away.