(A new series where I write poems to my dad that my dad won’t ever see)

You hurt me again,

Not physically,

Not ever.

But your words cut deep,

Slicing me open,

And I’m drowning,

Drowning in my own blood.

You were lecturing my sister,

About how she, “Presses my buttons.”

But then you said words,

Words that broke me.

Though my mask stayed stone,

But my heart turned splinters,

Splinters that settled into my eyes.

Changing how I see things,

Because what you said,

What you said makes all the difference.

“Valerie annoys me and all of us,

A when she gets all bubbly and talkative,

And it makes us want to leave,

Leave be away from her for a while.”

And dad I know you can’t see,

Because I try so hard to keep it from you,

you mocked my **joy. **

Something I loose often,

Something I’m starting to forget,

Forget ever really existed.

You don’t like me.

That’s the part of me I liked,

Liked being remembered as.

Because what you said was annoying,

Was me when I had all my walls down,

Down with the masks.

I feel like a **waste, **

Waste of breath waste of time,

Time I don’t want anymore.

Your **poison** sunk into me,

Making me rethink,

Rethink my boundaries.

When I’m happy,

Bubbly and true,

True doesn’t look so good anymore.

I just wanted to smile dad.

It’s hard to smile and apparently,

Apparently my smile makes yours leave.

I can’t be around my Fucking friends anymore,

Without thinking I’m a burden,

Burden like I am to you.

Because that’s all I am to you now.

A burden.

A weight.

And I’m sorry.

Im so sorry im useless.

I’m so sorry I’m broken.

My eyes are fogged over,

My tears never stop,

Stop trailing down my face.

The worst part is,

I’m attached.

I can’t leave.

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want to leave,

Leave that bit of child I still have left,

That wants her dad there.

But you don’t want your own daughter,

Despite the empty promises you make.

I’m a fucking parasite,

Because I feel like who would I be,

Who could I be If I don’t have my dad?

Everyone loves my dad,

He is mr perfect!

Prefect father.

But they don’t see behind the curtain,

With the yelling and blaming,

Blaming me for things out of my control.

Im sorry my heart isn’t what you want it to be,

I’m sorry my happiness annoys you.

I’m sorry I can’t be what I’m supposed to be.

I’m sorry I don’t like doing those things.

I’m sorry I’m not as successful.

I’m sorry my bubbly attitude ruined your day.

I’m sorry my happiness gets on you nerves.

Makes you want to leave.

I’m so sorry dad.

I’m trying.

As hard as I can.

And I’m sorry I can’t work as hard as you need me too i promise dad I’m trying.

I’m sorry for not being godly.

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

But dear dad,

You broke me, you made me bleed and cry.

You taught me I was supposed to be happy but not too happy. That I only sometimes deserve to smile. You taught me I was to loud, and to be cautious when I’m with my friends, because I’m too much, to loud and too bubbly. But the worst part is, it’s all my fault.

Sincerely,

Your daughter.