I knew I’d regret if I didn’t say it right now.

Yet here I stand, frozen. I bite my lips staring at the message, thousand emotions coursing through my inner palace.

My head creating images,images of me crying, screaming, hitting, breaking, beating and killing.

Yet there I sat straight face, no tears, no trembling and reading the message.

“I love you”

I didn’t know the answer, I didn’t even know if I was able to love ever again, or even understand it again like I once did. My body felt weird, wobbly, like I was about to puke. The emotions overwhelming me. Like there was no chance of escape, not even a chance to think for a minute.

“Mh mhm”

My answer wasn’t even a no, or I’m unsure what to answer type of answer. I look at the ceiling, wanting to cry, puke, scream. No sound coming, not even a tear rising.

It’s so much I don’t even know how to express emotions or even cry, a simple tear would be enough. I need to let it out, I need someone.

Sitting on playground, smoking a cig of my mom. Oh how did I end up like this ? How could I let myself get so low, fall so deep? The phone rings, I could hear him cry on the other end. Begging me to not kill myself. I look at the sand under the construction of the playground’s climbing frame. Inhaling the smoke.

I spoke to him, knowing he was the cause of my pain, the cause of my depressions. He ruined me back then, in this so called former relationship. Yet here I was, talking to him, whilst telling him I didn’t think I could hold on any longer.

Wha an asshole I am, how can I let myself go like this. How can I tell someone about this, knowing the struggle themselves. Knowing the person on the other end, is my emotional abusive ex. He may has changed but my memories, my emotions are still defect.

Seeking comfort in such a person, how much toxin do I want to suck up ?

I’m so unstable, but he loves me. Regardless of my breakdowns, my emotions, or my coldness, despite smoking from a young age, or the way I look. He was on the other end listening.

How can’t I love him. How am I supposed to hate him ? Maybe it’s the fear, maybe it’s the terror inside me from the past.

I wish I could have loved you, I wish I could’ve told you that before I left.