I knew I’d regret if I didn’t say it right now.

Yet here I stand, frozen. I bite my lips staring at the message, thousand emotions coursing through my inner palace. My head creating images,images of me crying, screaming, hitting, breaking, beating and killing. Yet there I sat straight face, no tears, no trembling and reading the message.

“I love you”

I didn’t know the answer, I didn’t even know if I was able to love ever again, or even understand it again like I once did. My body felt weird, wobbly, like I was about to puke. The emotions overwhelming me. Like there was no chance of escape, not even a chance to think for a minute.

“Mh mhm”

My answer wasn’t even a no, or I’m unsure what to answer type of answer. I look at the ceiling, wanting to cry, puke, scream. No sound coming, not even a tear rising.

It’s so much I don’t even know how to express emotions or even cry, a simple tear would be enough. I need to let it out, I need someone.

Sitting on playground, smoking a cig of my mom. Oh how did I end up like this ? How could I let myself get so low, fall so deep? The phone rings, I could hear him cry on the other end. Begging me to not kill myself. I look at the sand under the construction of the playground’s climbing frame. Inhaling the smoke.

I spoke to him, knowing he was the cause of my pain, the cause of my depressions. He ruined me back then, in this so called former relationship. Yet here I was, talking to him, whilst telling him I didn’t think I could hold on any longer.

Wha an asshole I am, how can I let myself go like this. How can I tell someone about this, knowing the struggle themselves. Knowing the person on the other end, is my emotional abusive ex. He may has changed but my memories, my emotions are still defect.

Seeking comfort in such a person, how much toxin do I want to suck up ?

I’m so unstable, but he loves me. Regardless of my breakdowns, my emotions, or my coldness, despite smoking from a young age, or the way I look. He was on the other end listening.

How can’t I love him. How am I supposed to hate him ? Maybe it’s the fear, maybe it’s the terror inside me from the past.

I wish I could have loved you, I wish I could’ve told you that before I left.

Telling me to survive Yelling at me to survive. Who are you to tell me this Making me cut my wrists

Yet complaining, Still whining. Why I’m not normal, Full of burn marks.

Yet spitting in my face Making my heart race. Leaving me in believe, Making me think of releave.

Yet nothing is there to safe, It’s like a fucking rave. Never ending, Too much time spending.

So loud of a sound Falling through the ground. Oh this sweet lie Yet I try to survive.

Why am I trying, I just want you to be lying. Lie in my face like it’s nothing Like I’m the one shoving.

I try to end it, You’ve brought this on it. Then you blame me, Telling me I’m not suprised to.

Oh what the fuck, I just want to puke. Making me life inside this fucking loop.

Screaming Beaming into hell Hoping for the bell Ringing in your head Pain putting you to bed.

Your brain, Malfunctioning, Disinfecting. Screaming and burning.

It’s all their fault, That’s what you believe. Are you right Or have you already lost the fight ?

Are you good Or are you not better Have you even done some good ?

It’s screaming, Tearing. Fucking burning your head. Shaking you awake.

Blood dripping, Again this hellish flame, The desire to continue. To get high from all of their hot flames.

A toxic mixture A loving relaxation, Flames dying, Screams turn into crying.

Your head on fire, Your brain full of desire. So twisted, Nothings listed.

I watch him I love him. I lay there on his lap Laying there no worries in this flat.

I chuckle His hair brown He bows down

I look in his eyes So shiny, Yet it’s rising

My dear, And my fear Mixing, I see the worst I can’t see his face, I can’t see the background behind his words.

His words Rose up like a sword. Is he the same ? Will he make me shame. Will he yell And rise up a new former shell?

My eyes can’t see No light enough. What’s this behind his words, Is he after my worst ?

Oh sweet boy Don’t tell me your my very worst My sword My blade And my end

There she was, laying in his arms. The breeze, touching their faces. He smiled While he dialed.

Voices speaking, But it’s only leaking.

„Oh baby, If you’d only were with me, Alone with me.“ He sighs, The phone dies. Smash.

The wind getting cold, Laying in his hold. Beach so quiet, Without a riot.

All the time, It flew bye. All the memories, Have burned like calories.

Hate,love,fear Tastes like all his tears. Running, Flowing.

Lights flashing, His worlds trashing. Metal cold, Lies his sword.

Oh his fantasy’s, Never getting reality. All the dates, Were nothing but fake.

Her stalker, Looking at the water. Missed the signs, All the lines.

Blood dripping down her spines, Watching her whine. He wore a disguise… She closed her eyes. Now it’s black, It’s bloody It’s gone, it’s lost.

She’s doomed, her faith is doomed. Now she’s cold. Never gonna get old.

Tears, Drop Drop. He screams, With blood on his hands, He hides his crimes.

Cut off, Shut off.

If she only loved him.

If only, she acknowledged him.

“Backstabbing bitch…I’ll cut your throat open, I’ll make you choke on your God damn blood!”

He screams at the top of his lungs, chasing her down the stairs, towards the back door. His knife gripped tightly in his hands, there will be no second chance.

No not this time, this time he’s gone mad. He’s gone psychotic on her now, the pain unbearable, unstandable.

His eyes wide, bloodshot, puffy, pale, skinny and unhinged. This sour taste of betrayal, of being stabbed in the back over and over.

“Darling, come on please. Stop running, you fucking fat bitch! You won’t escape, you know that best, so fucking stop running, using those burned legs of yours! Or this will be your dance to hell!!”

He latched onto her shoulder but she quickly grabbed his hand and shove it against the wall, tears running, screams short before coming. Wide, scared eyes. Her breath shaky, her hands weakly, numb, blood running down her wrists. She keeps running, gunning for an end.

Her mind running, her hair waving with the wind as the door was kicked open. She was only able to grab a umbrella. No shoes, barefoot.

His eyes locked on her, grabs boots and puts them on while running, taking every advantage. Almost stumbling with the boots stumbling over his feet. Then, a tight grip followed, running with full force.

All while she ran, screaming, her voice dung in the endless silent. Black streets, no life seen.

“FUCKING BITCH!! You shouldn’t have lied, weighting me in safety ? Oh fuck no ! Never again, I won’t be voting for you this time. Oh how I wanna hear your screams, scratching tones coming out when I peel off your skin.”

He had a sadistic smile as his footsteps follow hers. Oh why was there no one, why didn’t anyone help. This will be her blood bath. Only because she was at the rose shop…on a Tuesday.

Never was the life the same, oh what a shame. Her eyes locked with his back then. And there was it, the love they held for each other. How true it sounded for months.

But all fairytales have ends, this ones is over soon enough. The red it will be covered in, just because of the flags she wasn’t able to uncover, what a s shudder.

Her body soon be found cold, laying in a garden of roses. Her mind twisting, as she thought about his threat. To be buried in the a garden…

“NO ! NO ! I won’t be yours to toy with. I won’t be held back while, I just wanted peace. I swear, how shall I tear…for you I did it all!”

She ran while memories fill her mind, seeing the happy days, then the blue,purple and red ones. The pain real, the love bruised. Her lover cursed, cursed to be her pains men. To be the one who shall end her, her peaceful life,Her restful nights.

**And suddenly, click, replay, reboot. **

---

She fell, a bump, a smile, then tears. Screams, dying, the knife stuck in her back, over and over, to be sure she won’t stand up. Disabled, unrecognizable.

“No one shall ever know who you were…your outside is the biggest lie honey. You shouldn’t stab people in the back…not with a letter baby.”

He turned her shivering body around, her eyes dilated. His knife carving over her skin. Like he promised, skin tore off. Her eyes closed, squeezed shut. Her life a replay, a reboot, a restart…or all a lie.

No screams be heard. Only his cries and laughs. His voice cracking as he laughed maniacally while tearing off her skin. Off with her cut open wrists.

“Oh why she’s so perfect even like this…I’ll make sure that no one wants you baby. You won’t ever be a bitch again sweetheart. Keep that hopeless look forever, for me my girl…”

She coughs, blood spilling even more.

“I-I’m..I’m sorry love, I-…I got scared of…your domestic violence, your..y-your threats…”

The backstabbing bitch, going down, sirens rung, lights shone, red,blue,red,blue,red,blue. Tears rolling down his cheeks, realizing what he’s done…

So there he sits, feeling her body drain from warmth. Holding her hand, crying.

It all ends, quietly

As the car closed, he murmured.

“This is getting too dangerous for both of us.”

Music playing in the car, it’s an old one. The lac almost getting off, vandel turns to his brother.

It’s been 8 years now since this…this shit. Vandel my only hope. And here we are, zombies and a hord of angry people, which want their guns back. But oh well, this is our life to survive. We only need each other, yet this doesn’t look too good this time….

“Hey stay away fucker ! You can’t close those eyes, keep em open. If not for long, just don’t abandon me right now.”

He yells. Starting the car, loud creaks, loud screams, and gun shots.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!!”

He looks at his brother and then proceeds to drive backwards. Hittin them fully on their flesh, a loud bump. Vandel shrieking up, wide bloody eyes.

Then a quick glance to the back seeing what his younger brother drove over.

“Bloody hell Michael….”

He mumbled as his brother pushed his feet back on the gas. Driving towards the fences….his brother isn’t yelling..? Micheal was confused but didn’t question vandel not intervening with his crazy idea

“Hold on tight big bro….”

Micheal speaks under his gritted teeth. A loud crash and the fly for some seconds. Quickly and roughly landing back on the ground.

“DUDE!! Can you be any louder ?!!! How many more should come after us…?!”

Micheal ignore vandel, driving through the thick fog. Slowly towards a forest.

Vandel quickly turns off the music from the cassettes. A glare given towards his little brothers drivers mirror. Yet Micheal doesn’t see it..he’s too lost in thoughts. His head hurts, the more he thinks about how they back then escaped their father. And how aprubtly they fled.

“Why…why did you do that, your so stupid…first this and now fleeing. I thought we agreed to stay longer.”

No reply

“MICHEAL!!”

“What ?! What ?! What vandel ?! What answer do you expect?!!!”

Vandel looks down, his sight blurry. He bits down on his lip. Speaking up

“Why would you take me with you…didn’t I tell you it won’t help…?”

Micheal shook his head, his eyes not focusing on the foggy path for a second.

“Because your my brother. Who else shall I trust? There’s no trust if it’s not for you….We both know we can’t trust anyone else. Plus, I’ll find a cure. Somehow.”

Micheal’s eyes dart to the bit on the neck of his older brother.

“ I’ll be damned to not take my brother with me, to run away from my own family. From whom protected me. Who killed our father who tried to bite me..I won’t leave family behind again. Even if you’ll become one of them. I’ll be with you, through hell and back.”

A smile on both their faces. Then, full blackness,both brothers hand in hand. Confused at first, but then…the light.

He looked away, for a split second, looking at his yet still human brother with a bite wound. Or so he thought ?

The light, blinding, yet warm and comforting.

“Lil brother, you finally joined me…?”

Micheal turns to vandel confused and horrified. His brother who just looked normal…he was…decayed, mutilated. It was a horrific sight. Pain..pain swelled through his chest.

“But brother…? What happened…? I-I don’t understand. This…this isn’t how it was supposed to go…you were with me. In the car, right behind me….how…”

A hand goes through Micheal’s hair, ruffling it. Vandels cold raspy voice spoke up.

“Stop worrying, I’ll be with you now…this time..no one can part us. I promise. I will be with you again. So don’t worry anymore little brother. Your fogged mind will clear up. I promise, I’m sorry I wasn’t with you. In fact..I never was little brother..but don’t worry about that. Let’s go.”

Vandel takes his little brothers hand and leads him home, their forever home behind the lights.

(Tw: light mentions of Gore & abuse)

Starting from when she was little, the perfect little princess. Delicate, kind, gentle and well educated.

People love her, the kingdom respects her. The king long sick, his only heir to the throne, her. She always seemed to be the kind clumsy kind. She often baked, helped out in the kitchen or stitched dresses with her maids. She was called the sweetest of them all, the blossom queen. Blooming like a flower in a garden of millions of other flowers. Shining out, like a queen in a ball room.

Today, the banquet of her life. Choosen for her, styles for her, decorated like a delicate flower. The night of her life’s. Choosing her Prince Charming. Walking down the stairs, no announcement. A sky blue dress, her hair long hanging down. Curls, like the curls of a angel. Long blond hair, so perfect. On her face, the perfect smile. The plan is going according to her wishes. A gentle smile, searching for her Romeo. A pure love.

Her green eyes met with his brown ones. The brown of his flickering a sense of domination.

“Oh who is she”

He smiles, a smirk forming in the corner of his face. Her eyes looking back, deep in his soul. Oh he was like a shining red apple. Looking like the perfect guy.

Oh and so they danced, danced and took the air. Room quiet, eyes glued. All heard is the music. Seeing the two angels dance, dancing angels.

“Oh is this real?”

Oh with the fathers agree meant, the new family rose. Rising like a flame in a house burn. Screams died, his brown eyes.

His eyes, seeing the delicate, vulnerable angel. Oh my angel, you must be mine. Be mine, be my possession, be mine to hurt. Let me relish my anger, my pain…let me relish it on your delicate skin

“Oh…you foul apple”

So domestic, so abusive. The little angel, backed down, her own men, her own dream husband. Crying in a corner, servants ignored, eyes been shut. So shut out, the angels screams die down.

Yet what is her plan? She’s the rightful queen, why doesn’t she fight back? Well her perfect little charming didn’t care. He only saw the blood and bruises. Driving him high. A sinister laughter.

Oh no, the little angel. There he was caught, the servant seeing it. He backs away but…oh what’s this ? The servant doesn’t care and turns away.

Only a smirk left behind.

“But oh my angel”

Your eyes so beautiful…your brown sweet eyes.

She sung, dancing. Eyes widen, smiles dropping, servants acting so shocking, so calm.

Ohh my love, you know me. I’m your angel after all. Why won’t you look at me my love? Didn’t you know me after all?

He voice clung in the empty halls. Servants just standing there, no word, no matter what happened.

“Oh who is she”

Now you know, now you know. She’s your death. She’s your choice, your decision. You didn’t know her devilish smile behind the cries. She was always like this.

Oh Prince Charming what have you done? Married her, oh she’s so perfect. Your little angel. Your little angel…angel…who did things. Her animal friends would know best.

She sung in her room, her husband in front of her. Her servant brushing her hair, calm, everything’s so quiet and calm.

His eyes looking at her, a smile tucked in her face. Oh the little angel you thought she was. Oh no, no, no,no.

You played with fire..thinking you’d get away. Oh my, you really though my servants were accepting or respecting you. No no no, my Prince Charming. It was a plan…

“She’s not who she says she is…”

Her servant bowing down. Asking ever so calm.

“Oh shall I remove the corpse my queen?”

She smiles softly at the servant

“Oh yes my dear, but first. I wanna stare into those cold, lifeless eyes….since those eyes are the ones I fell in love with. Ahhh he didn’t know who he was playing with. He really bought it, oh my servant. Let me keep those, display those.”

Her servant nods. Taking a hunting knife, every so slowly reaching behind his eye, pulling, scratching, his eye. To remove it, to cut the strings. The eye drop. No blood…he’s dry,cold, sickly pale….

Oh his angel, his perfect innocent angel. He didn’t see it, no…he didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t able to read the signs. To see the violent, to see the looks, to see the non worried expressions of close maids and servants. Oh no, the Prince Charming. Has fallen, to his pain, to his addiction, to his foul personality.

Fallen to the need to hurt, to the need to see, to hear his angel. Oh no, her little toy. Fallen apart.

Seeing the eyes, dropping down, smile tugging on her lips. The starts in her eyes, seeing her toy, her Prince fall apart. Seeing the lifeless cold eyes. Realizing her toy didn’t last long.

Oh sweet angel, how could you ? Oh no, her toy. Her eyes slowly greying, her world seemingly stopping. Her plan…oh so easy, too easy. Where’s the fun? Where’s the laughter, where’s the sounds, the dropping salty liquid of humans…dropping from their eyes…?

Oh sweet angel, your games are finally over. Oh sweet angel, you never were a victim. Your acting, so fascinating, catching everyone’s breath. Oh sweet angel, why did you play this game? Why let him ever think he hurt you…if your already so impure?

“Oh she’s not who you thought she was”

The servant whispers to the lifeless corpse, no smile on the face.

I didn’t even know what was coming. Storms, fetching in the air. Causing all these lairs.

A bite, so powerful. A scream so sour full. Anger latching, Skin scratching.

Who am I? What’s this ?

Ah, I remember.

My cage. Caged away. Not able to be cast away.

No breath used, No person gettin bruised. This keeps me in check, This keeps us as a wreck.

Emotional peck for them. Just to be seen as a dem.

Aren’t we all this… Abyssed…?

Our animals kept at bey, While we see the day. Begged for release, As we watch them bleed.

We all have them, Kept in a stem. Let us out, The scream. Followed with their hot steam.

Loud hisses, Not to be missed.

Felt the sharp pain, Drop, Dropping to the floor. My blood dripping down.

I look down, everything’s red. It’s staring to become white.

My breath hitches, The part stitches. I feel the longing.

More, I need more, Give me more.

Pain, as sharp as thousands knife’s, Yet longing. A longing, For something so impure.

I need it, It’s calming, Reframing it, So twisted.

So twisted to seek comfort, in something that’s gonna rot a soul. That’s gonna twist your head, Twist it, so that you don’t see your doing this.

Your the one, poisoning your head. Rotting your brain. To believe it’s…comfort…

To make yourself believe, That this is helpful. That this will safe you.

No, No my child. It will not. It won’t help you. It will only change you. Change your sight.

Rot it till you see red. Cuts deepening, Getting high while calmly breathing. Enjoying the pain. Oh sweet pain.

Relieve.. Now I see it, I’m… Im my own poison.

But why… Oh right, You. I did this for you.

To be able to cope, To adapt. To be there for you, Even when I..longed for you. Your voice,your comfort.

Yet only I got, Screams which made me forgot. I forgot it, kindness. Flying by at its most finest. Forgotten how it feels, How it reels, In the back of my mind.

No, no my child. He won’t comfort you, He won’t hold you, He’ll bite, He’ll bite and destroy you. Mentally wreck you.

I longed for it, but was punished Punished for wanting help. For screaming a cry for help.

Right… Right. I’m not supposed to.

I need to be cold, Unbreakable, Not a cry baby.

I need to hide, Hide away those feelings. Hide away, this pain.