We are born into this world

And told to speak

To express ourselves

To tell others of our needs

To speak in your mother tongue

That you learn so early on

Growing comfortable in speech

Talking to people on the daily

Communicating like we were born to

But when I speak it’s different

It’s a nervous feeling using my mother tongue

Having to speak to others

Or anyone at all

So nervous that when I speak my words twist

And I stutter lots

Having to see the sentence when speaking

In order to not stutter

In order to not stand out

Over analyzing every word I said

Every reaction they did to my words

The words I try to not say

The words I have a hard time saying

The words I over analyze

So much I plan out conversations

To make sure I don’t mess up when speaking

Trying to follow everything

Yet it derails the instant the words come out of my mouth

The birds in my stomach flying constantly

They morphed from butterflies to birds

Growing in size when I think of speaking

Making my stomach turn and my hands tremble and my leg shake

Making me on the verge of tears for speaking sometimes

For trying to communicate

Thinking of the people I talked to

Years ago

Months ago

Weeks ago

Days ago

And thinking how it was bad

Thinking of how I could have said something different

That would make them like me more

Thinking of how they reacted to my words

Were they really interested or was it just awkward

When I stutter and mess up my speech

I’m not sure why my words twist

And my stomach turns

When I speak my mother tongue