Flowers don’t bloom in the arctic But we both knew that I knew it since you iced me out I knew it since you tried to bloom in the winter I knew it since you tried preserving the old But you wanted the new so you let go

It feels like it’s been forever since the fall Since I saw the beauty of your petals in the sun But now they’ve frosted over Your soft glances turned into aversion You can’t look at me, can you? I wonder if I’m ever a topic of conversation When you bring up your past friends do you bring up me?

Flowers can’t grow in the arctic But I tried to take a chance Everything’s changed so much I never knew it would get this cold I never knew the unresolved tension could cut a stone with a single slice You’ve frosted over my memories Happy times turn cold when I think about what it all meant Did the videos, photos, and memories mean nothing? How do you turn away one day and have no regret? Is your heart as cold as the dropping temperatures? Or have you kept to the silent vow you made to never speak to me again.

“The lily of the valley is dangerous, it can cause blurry vision and seeing halos around objects” Yet it’s so alluring The beauty of the perfect petals So dangerous yet so pretty It’s hard to stay away when my vision is blurred around you I used to see bright colors around you, but it’s dimmed as I realized it’s the effects of the poison My body stays away, but my mind always wants to wander back to the warm petals in the arctic, where only the heartless can survive

You scare me out of myself. You scare me into being someone who is hiding from people like you. You scare me into not being able to reach out to talk about how I feel in fear of being in trouble or locked away for my emotions. You scare me into hiding blades to collect dust for a decision I can make in a blur of emotions. You scare me into watching how I look every day and every second so I can live without worry of being picked on. You scare me into not talking about my point of view because if I think something different than everyone I am ostracized. You scare me into pushing around my food. You scare me into being quiet. You scare me into silence so I don’t mess up. You scare me into staying in my room so I won’t get yelled at. You scare me into kindness. You scare me into never asking questions, because one wrong question may lead to answers that make you angry. You scare me into trying to balance my life by myself. You scare me into writing. You scare me into not doing what I like because I know you are watching somewhere. You scare me into loving who you think I should. You scare me into denying myself so I am not standing out. You scare me into staying silent about my struggles even though everything else says to reach out. You scare me into ignoring the signs that I have seen before when I went down this path of sadness and fear. You scare me into never speaking out. You scare me into changing myself to not love who I want to. You scare me into panic attacks You scare me into tears You scare me into shaking You scare me into dizziness You scare me into anger You scare me into insomnia You scare me into perfection You scare me into fear You scare me into silence You scare me into being who you want me to be You scare me into fitting your ever changing standard You scare me into not knowing who I am and who you are You scare me so much the lines blur

I have the feeling you hate me I know people say it’s not true But whenever I come around you I feel it I feel like you’re annoyed at me That you hate me And I hate that I can’t ask you about it Because you will deny it But every part of me is screaming that you have me I feel like I’ve messed up And you hate me for that Or that I’m annoying you And you hate me for that reason I won’t ask you if you hate me I’ll look for signs that aren’t there And make up in my mind that you do And I’ll think about that No matter how many times people say you like me Or how many time you laugh around me I will feel like you hate me

Hi

I wish I could come up to you And give you a hug Tell you everything is going to be ok That you will make it through

I’m sorry that on your first year at a new school You were treated like that And how you left the year with more issues than before I’m sorry how she was your first friend And I’m sorry that I didn’t prevent it

I wish that I could tell you to skip the event for your school And say that your stomach hurts So you would never become friends I wish that I could prevent you from entering that trio And growing closer to her at events and hang outs I wish that I could tell you to run To run far, far away from thy girl And to never believe her lies

I hope that you would understand If I told you to not engage in that conversation on the bus I hope you would trust me if I told you to not go into the bathroom that morning And to go to where you’re supposed to be I hope you would believe me if I told you that nothing you say will stop her

It upsets me how she treated you How she made you look like a fool Like her own personal dog It upsets me why you let her do that Why you let her hit you over and over again Why you never set boundaries with her Even when you needed to When it was most important for you to

I wish I could teach you how to say no How when she would upset you You would let it slide I wish you would say no And stop her Because you shouldn’t be treated like that

I wish that I could have prevented 7th grade That some way I could have chose another school That I would have chose another friend group That I would have left that year well That I wouldn’t have memories in the form of scars from that year I wish I could rewind And give you a hug

Skin I try to pretend it doesn’t get under my skin That I don’t itch for it to go away That I don’t let anything bother me That I can hold my temperament Saying that I don’t get angry or upset But I lie Everything goes under my skin Like there’s a big gaping wound that everything goes into Like there’s an entrance for issues And words And looks people give That get to me That carry spears to go for my heart While my brain tries to not freak out in front of everyone When inside it’s a hurricane I try to pretend I don’t care When I do I care a lot A lot more than I show I try to not let your comments get under my skin I try to reply with a quick comment back But I can’t think I can’t think of why you would say that In any given circumstance I’ve been called many other things I save them in my hidden album Things I don’t want to uncover But I’ll always remember And yet I don’t think I’ll ever understand Why you said it looks like I have an eating disorder Because that got under my skin Because it hurts me deep inside It hurts how you think that Why do you think that And it hurts how it will always get under my skin

You attack my appearance When after I say nothing about yours In a silly battle of words Your mind goes to my face My hair How I am presented My body When I never said anything of yours You whisper curses behind my back Thinking I’ll never hear But I do It hurts my feelings knowing you speak ill of me Knowing someone I liked turned on me To being out of ideas going for the easy target How someone looks Something they can’t change easily is the perfect thing to pick on for you The words you say to my friends about me And the words you say to my face are different Pennies are supposed to be lucky But you’re just two faced Asking for an apology means nothing to you Since you’re not sorry You’ll say it again Because I know What you say about others Reflect your true self Something concealer can’t fix

When someone asks me What sport I play I respond with Swimming But I wish I didn’t I don’t enjoy it But you do You swam when you were in high school And you want me to do the same When you’re working away in your office Hidden away from the world I never see you now But only when I do swim You come out to the light Telling me what do to Spending time with me at meets Driving me to practice The only time we talk Is on the way to swim You tell me to make my own choices But if I told you I wanted to stop you would get upset Upset I don’t want to be like you Upset I don’t want to swim like you did You swam butterfly So you make me swim butterfly People ask me if I enjoy swimming I say yes But I don’t enjoy swimming I enjoy spending time with you I go to practice for you Asking to skip makes you angry So I don’t ask I purposefully fall asleep To get out of the sport I tell you I feel sick But I see your reaction And I see your passive aggressive tone How it’s my choice But you wouldn’t make that decision yourself I played basketball Because she played it And when I quit she was sad I don’t want to make you sad I want to spend time with you I want to see you more But I know I can’t because you’re always away Either in another country or downstairs until 4am Working on a contract that’s due tomorrow Then another one Then another one An endless cycle of work Never being able to rest Or see your family I want to spend time with you And I can with swimming But I don’t want to swim If I leave my sport I leave time with you My heart isn’t aligned with the sport I don’t have a killer instinct to swim faster But I’ll try to tolerate it If it means time with you

We are born into this world And told to speak To express ourselves To tell others of our needs To speak in your mother tongue That you learn so early on Growing comfortable in speech Talking to people on the daily Communicating like we were born to But when I speak it’s different It’s a nervous feeling using my mother tongue Having to speak to others Or anyone at all So nervous that when I speak my words twist And I stutter lots Having to see the sentence when speaking In order to not stutter In order to not stand out Over analyzing every word I said Every reaction they did to my words The words I try to not say The words I have a hard time saying The words I over analyze So much I plan out conversations To make sure I don’t mess up when speaking Trying to follow everything Yet it derails the instant the words come out of my mouth The birds in my stomach flying constantly They morphed from butterflies to birds Growing in size when I think of speaking Making my stomach turn and my hands tremble and my leg shake Making me on the verge of tears for speaking sometimes For trying to communicate Thinking of the people I talked to Years ago Months ago Weeks ago Days ago And thinking how it was bad Thinking of how I could have said something different That would make them like me more Thinking of how they reacted to my words Were they really interested or was it just awkward When I stutter and mess up my speech I’m not sure why my words twist And my stomach turns When I speak my mother tongue

Left out I see your stares across the room How you get upset when you can’t sit next to one of your friends and you have to sit next to me Because I’m not of your better friends Even though you say I am I see how you look at eachother when I talk Trying to say something to you But you don’t hear You’re too busy walking away Or ignoring me I see how you look at her in class I’m sitting behind you but I still see I wish I could sit with you But there isn’t enough room For 3 I don’t know if you thought I wouldn’t notice When you cropped me out of the photo I took of us I took the photo Yet you don’t want me in it I trusted my heart that we were friends Yet my heart believes in fiction I see the way you tell people About hanging out with the group Right in front of me I see how you post on your social media About getting ready for a dance together A pre hangout I was not invited to Yet you say all your close friends were there I thought we were close I see how you post Saying that you’re with your faves On your story Using the photos I’m not in While you still tell me we are close It feels as if I’m invisible in everything Going unnoticed And nobody is there to wonder If anyone is being left out

You make me stupid You make me feel stupid I’m smart I’m smarter than you think Yet you always make me the stupid character In every group I’m ever in Why? I keep more in my head than I say I feel more than I say I care more than I say And you make me your fool For entertainment and jokes With me always being the bud It hurts my feelings I never say that I need to I need to tell you it hurts my feelings I’m smart I am I’m not a joke you make to people Saying I’m stupid I’m too dumb to date Or to understand what you’re talking about I comprehend more than you think I can understand a story You dumb it down to me Why? I’m not a kindergartener I’m not someone who doesn’t understand I understand a lot More than I should I understand the looks you give to eachother I understand the angle you take the photo So I’m not in it I understand everything Yet you treat me as if I don’t I’m smarter than you give me credit for Stop telling me what I can’t do I know what I can do You don’t You say I’m stupid And a fool And an idiot You take me for someone stupid You make me feel worthless And it hurts my feelings I don’t want to be your joke I want to be your friend But I can’t be your friend If all you ever do is make me Karen Smith