I don’t like him like that.

Actually, I scarcely like him at all.

But I know that he used to like me,

And for some reason I can’t stand it that he likes someone else now.

Even though I hated it the entire time he liked me.

It felt anxious and uncomfortable and weird.

And I guess there was a time when he was kind of nice.

And objectively I thought that he was the cutest guy.

But I still didn’t and don’t like him.

And I’m not lying to myself,

It’s the truth.

I think that I care because I’m insecure.

And because objectively I thought that he was the “cutest”,

Him liking me,

As uncomfortable as it was,

Made me feel worthy.

When I learned that he got a girlfriend,

The first thing I wondered was what she looked like.

If she was prettier than I am.

It’s jealousy.

But not because I want him,

But because I want the validation.

And because my view of my self went drastically down around the time he stopped liking me,

Which makes me wonder if it wasn’t just all in my head.

And I don’t like him,

Nor do I want to,

But this “jealousy” makes me anxious that I do like him,

When I know that I don’t

And it’s a negative feedback loop.

It’s even given me anxiety dreams.

I had a dream once that he kissed my arm or something weird like that,

And in the dream I had butterflies,

But it was like I was watching a movie.

And when I woke up I nearly had a panic attack I was so uncomfortable and anxious.

And I guess I’m writing this because I’m anxious about it again.

I don’t like him.

He quite bothers me.

But I can’t get these thoughts out of my head.

a little advice please?