Screaming and shouting all that I knew

A chaotic familiar sounds since I was around two

Caring or concern?

Feelings I fail to feel

They still don’t see

The permanent scars that

left a hold on me

Not knowing life was not designed to be so cruel

Nightly recall of the life I once knew

Fueled by alcohol and transactional apologies

Perhaps thinking it corrected

the fears they left in me

Unconditional love, far from my grasp

Convinced I am never to experience that

Traumatic experiences your mind can’t erase

Night terrors and my body shaken

Recalling the parts of me that were taken away

Silent tears while I am driving

No one notices , even when Im not hiding

The mascara that covers my eyes

The salty tears streaming down

Scared of the dark “No”

How could I be?

I know the monsters who live with me

The ones sent to protect me

Did the opposite instead

The feelings of inadequacy

Still dance in my head…

Silence in my life never to exist

Peace and serenity, not high on my list

Born into this chaos and disorder as they wanted it to be

Turning to an escape outside of me

Never a quiet moment to soothe my soul

To bring closure from memories past

Or plug the holes

I took things to numb or hide from my pain

To make believe it would go away

Never enough, never will be

It is often empty inside me

I hide with a smile or a smart ass remark

All the pain that comes when it’s dark

To bring these to the surface

would only expose.

Where I came from and the hell I know.