Elegy

You are gone from my physical life. A long slope down from health to death over a long period. 19 years from diagnosis and 2 years of decline from the end of Chemo to the palliative care phase in a Hospice.

You are still here emotionally and spiritually. I ‘see’ you every day. Your picture above my desk and numerous pictures on the phone. If you were here I guess you might tell me to get on with it. You aren’t, so I’m somewhat stuck. I want to do things, create things but that memory causes inhibitions. You wouldn’t want this. Yet here I am.

Stuck in a loop of indecision, doing things by rote, not moving forward. Yet I am. I’m moving house, another stressor. I want to be done. Everything organised, and moved. There’s much to do.

Today is 6 years since you drew your terminal breath. You are here with me still. You will be with me until I die in my turn as I must. Memento Mori. That is my status. Moving forward is slow and underwhelming. So one step in front of another.