Why is ‘ocean breeze’ such a popular candle scent? Have the creators ever been to the ocean? It smells nothing like those fake blue blobs of wax. Nothing clean about it.

I’m staring at the steely blue water now. I smell seaweed baking in the noon sun, flies buzzing around my ankles. If I walked further down the beach, I’d smell a bloated, rotting seagull. It’s been there for a couple of days. Probably died from swallowing too many yogurt lids.

I’m walking in the wet sand, barefoot. Just close enough that when the waves rush in they tickle my toes. I’m squinting because I forgot my sunglasses, and thinking about synthetic ocean candle smells when it hits me.

No, like, literally hits me.

I look around, disoriented, and see a volleyball floating in the foamy surf. Some asshat in board shorts trots over to grab it. He looks at me as he picks it up, shrugs, and saunters back over to his buddies.

Damn tourists. I bet the girl he’s sleeping with has an ‘ocean breeze’ candle on her nightstand. I wonder if that keeps her warm at night.