i didn’t mean to smile when you died

upturned

lips moving without instruction

bear witness to their stares

forlorn

they did not know you as well as i

they did not know me either

though they would protest

you were not devilish

usually

too kind

pats on my shoulder

fleeting

itching to move as the canter drones on

your body is an abomination

i can’t look away

comfort is expected

though unnecessary

perhaps that’s why they seemed afraid

they couldn’t understand

they were whole and content

and i at a loss

they rehearse their speeches

slow their movements

don’t scare the poor girl

don’t cause a scene

perhaps they imagine i would shatter

in their reassuring squeezes

fleeting

i would not break

these wounds will close

that clinical whiteness burned into my memory

so bright

the lights in our house

my house

serve only to gather dust

there is no hope in the bright places

they failed to fix you

darkness comforts where light could not

darkness wraps around me

and i pretend it’s you

more bodies shuffle over

help her

she’s just a girl

a handkerchief now resting over my mouth

to hide my continued sin

i loved you

did i not?

i had to

why does my body now reject you?

this was not in the pamphlet

was there a stage that i skipped?

impossible

they were memorised upon sixth read

"just follow the steps

you won’t need me to live"

did i ever?

i must have

i should have

i wish

there was something so sweet about you

as your light slowly dimmed

for too long i’d watched you shrivel

a rootless flower

yearning for death

your pain became mine

i felt the treatment

running through your veins

i felt it circle

around the lump

and laugh

what a waste

too little, too late

you mirrored its unresponsiveness perfectly

less receptive each day

can you hear me love?

crickets

a widow long before the final breath

i mourned you of course

but i mourned myself longer

devoted to your existence

i could never refuse

that was love

that was the woman’s way dear

fantasising life

rebirth

the aftermath of a lover’s death

people must take interest in me now

hey wait! the widower has something to add

speaking without prompt

hearing my own voice

yours to consume

no longer

purpose

only unfolded after tragedy

ha! how tragic

and yet

a reason to dance

one life

split into two

i made haste

with a frivolous teens’ desperation

there were many who jeered

recovered so soon?

besmirching you was unintentional

but you’d already know that

you knew everything

within your comprehension

a life of boxes and tradition

fresh life now blooms

of desire and ambition

an emptied heart

governed by a full mind

appropriate behaviors need moderate

no longer

who am i?

without you

i am.

do you have no guilt?

fleeting

wasting fresh life

that would be the truer guilt

i did not mean to smile when you died

i meant to applaud