The Goldfish is Sus

“That’s my goldfish!” Screamed my six year old son.

I kneeled down to my son and grabbed both his shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

“James, this is not your goldfish. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but it’s an imposter.”

“No! Mr. Golden Fishy isn’t sus! You’re sus! He speaks to me you know, he tells me that you’re not my real dad. He tells me you’re an alien.”

My heart rate became rapid. “James that’s nonsense, you know I’m not an alien. But that thing… that “goldfish” is an alien. I swear to you, I can prove it.”

He ripped away from and yelled, “Go ahead then, prove it!”

I turned and grabbed the bag that the imposter fish was in. I grabbed my pocket knife and cut the top of the bag open. I put my knife down on the table and held out the fish in front of me with both hands. Then I turned the bag upside down and the imposter fish fell to the floor. It hit the kitchen tile with a wet thud and thrashed all about. “Show your true form demon fish!” I yelled. “This body is not viable for you! You cannot survive out of water. You aren’t the intelligent species you wanted me to believe you are.”

James screamed. “You’re killing him!” The imposter fish didn’t change, it just kept flopping around. Uh oh did I make a mistake?

“You’re just jealous that I won a fish at the carnival and you couldn’t! You suck at ring toss. YOU SUCK AT RING TOSS!”

A loud raspy voice spoke from the floor.


My eye widened in fear. “I told you James, he is an alien!”

“HURRY JAMES MY BOY. SAVE ME. KILL THE IMPOSTER.” Rasped demon fish from the floor.

“Enough! I shouted and raised my boot to bring it down on this orange monstrosity. But before I could bring my foot down, James shrieked and jumped onto my chest. I lost my balance and fell against the table. James leapt off of me and picked up the fish, plopping him into a nearby vase. Then he grabbed my opened pocket knife off the table and with no hesitation brought it down onto my leg.

I screamed in agony. “AGAIN JAMES AGAIN.” Bellowed the demon alien. He brought the knife down again and again. Blood poured out of my leg as he hit my femoral artery.

“James stop!” I was fading quick.

“You are sus! You are sus!” He just kept repeating that phrase as he continued stabbing. Eventually I passed out from the blood loss.

I woke up on an operating table, bright lights overhead blinding my vision.

A tall gray alien stood over me looking down. “You lost to the fish again Xero. That’s four times he’s bested you.”

“It’s not fair, a video game addicted kid is going to choose a talking alien fish over his father nine out of ten times.”

The council has decided to remove you from its services and replace you with the one the boy calls, “Mr. Golden Fishy.” I’m sorry it ended this way.

I looked up at him confused. “No, please, give me another chance. Put me up against something else. This fish is my kryptonite. I can excel in any other field, I swear!”

“It’s too late, Xero, I’m sorry. The council has already decided.” The gray alien pulled a lever and I was sucked into space.

I’ve been drifting aimlessly for the past 15 years. Every now and again Mr. Golden Fishy and the boy fly by in a ship and point and laugh at me. It’s quite humiliating.

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