—content warning: suicidal thoughts—-

Pages littered the cream colored carpet, dead pens and empty post-it note packs decorating the deep green comforter. Music filled the heavy air as the notes danced with the voices and melodies. Bailey seemed to be running out of hours in the evening to study for her mid-semester exams that had been coming up within the following days. Her ability to focus had wavered on the lines of actually getting work done and just staring at pages, not processing a single word.

A light tapping came from her dark oak door.

“Come in,” Bailey’s voice was no more than a mere whisper.

The door slowly creaked open to reveal a middle-aged woman wrapped in a navy blue robe. Her hair was still damp, but dry enough to hold small waves. “Bails, honey you haven’t come down for dinner. Did you hear me call for you earlier?” There was a slight shift in her weight but Bailey barely noticed.

“Oh, sorry mama. I guess I didn’t hear you,” Bailey shuffled some note pages together before tucking them in her psychology book.

“It’s alright baby, there’s some chili on the stove and I can make you a grilled cheese if you’d like,” Bailey’s mother replied with a gentle smile.

That was Millie, always kind and generous. Bailey loved her mom for that but could never ask for more than what was already done because Bailey knew that she always did everything. The two of them went down the hall and shuffled down the stairs with little noise, minus the creaky floor boards which seemed to be every third step.

Light emanated from the kitchen, the soft glow of the fluorescents casting shadows behind every object that lay in its midst. The previous night’s dishes stacked on the counter, waiting patiently for their turn to be washed. Crackers and cheese rested on a styrofoam plate with a white empty bowl next to it. Bailey scooped one of her favorite dinners into the bowl before sitting down at the surprisingly clean dinner table. Millie poured Bailey a glass of purified water before tending to some of the pre-existing dishes in the sink.

“Thank you for dinner, mama,” Bailey said after finishing a couple spoonfuls of chili.

“Of course! Your father has already gone to bed and I will be as well. I didn’t want you to eat by yourself, plus I wanted to make sure you ate before going to bed.”

“I appreciate that. You know, I don’t mind eating by myself. I can finish the dishes for you if you want to go to bed now. I’m sure you have a long day at work tomorrow.”

“Bailey it’s okay. I can stay up with you if you want me to.”

Millie continued to work on washing dishes while Bailey made sure to get a full stomach of soup. It always made sleeping come a bit faster, at least that’s what she thought. Eventually, Millie dismissed herself and headed to bed which left Bailey to put away left overs and clean out the final dishes. Outside, rain first greeted the shingled roof before it trickled down to the ground where its final destination lie. The yellow hue of the oven light caught Bailey’s attention as she washed dishes. _11:25_ _at night… I only have eight more hours before testing begins…_ She had become so caught up in studying for the beginning of her tests the following day that she had lost track of time. Unfortunately for Bailey, but fortunately for her body, it was in her best interest to fall asleep before too much more time passed. Before she returned upstairs, Bailey double-checked that both the front door and back door had been locked. This once-over had become an evening habit of hers, after word got in the new reports that house break-ins were becoming more and more common. She didn’t want to risk it, even if her parents did lock them before going to bed.

A shadow danced along the white curtains that caught the attention of Bailey. Her heart got caught in her throat as she froze in her place. _If I just stand still…_ Fear cemented her feet to the carpet. Lighting cracked through the sky and the shadow seemed to disappear just as fast as it came. Bailey’s hands shook as she slinked back to her room.

The shadow she saw slithered around her mind as she gathered the things on her bed into an organized pile to move off to her desk that sat next to her vanity. Just off of her room rested a bathroom that Bailey had all to herself. That’s one of the things she was most grateful for, to not have to share a bathroom with her parents or any guests that came in. Bailey pulled a maroon towel from the small linen closet that was nestled in the corner of the bathroom along with a matching rag. She always had to sit everything out for her shower beforehand because if she didn’t there was a very high chance she would forget something. Steamed billowed up around the ceiling and mirror after a short time in the shower. The water _had_ to be scalding hot for Bailey, anything colder and she turned into an ice cube.

Her thoughts carried mind away to a distance place which left her body to idly lather body wash. The shower provided a safe space for Bailey and she seemed to do most of her deep thinking in the shower. It was there that she had time to reflect on the day’s events and be washed clean with the worries being sucked down the drain along with the scented bubbles. It was the one time where she didn’t have to have her guards up, she could just relax and not have her different masks on.

After Bailey had showered and washed her hair for the second time that week, she wiggled into a pair of cream satin shorts and a loose tank top that matched in color. At some point during her teenage years, a dermatologist had told her that satin clothing kept skin looking clean and it reduced skin irritation…. Or something like that, Bailey couldn’t fully remember. She settled under her comforter and relaxed into a light sleep. Images of the shadow from earlier walked along her eyelids, keeping her captive from a deeper sleep. It was instances like that where she wished she had some sort of guard dog, but even then how could she be positive of what she saw. Bailey’s mind kept turning this shadow around and inside out, unable to let it go. The shadow changed to an animal to a vehicle, only to finally end up as a familiar face. Scientists say dreams are a reflection of the days events and the worries someone has but Bailey didn’t view it like that, she liked to look at it like her mind was creating and directing a movie.

Her tired body carried her back to bed where she stared up at the ceiling only to be greeted by familiar faceless figures. Bailey’s mind had been plagued by inner demons, which most people had, yet hers took on a more physical affect. They brought different impairments with them, one of them being hallucinations. The downside for Bailey, she could never tell if they were real or fake. Her parents weren’t much help either as they couldn’t understand what she experienced on a daily basis.

Along with the disfigured shadow people came the voices. This had been something that she had not disclosed with anyone- not even her pysciatrist for fear of being labeled insane. Voices spoke to her internally and had more control over her than Bailey would have liked to admit. They drove her mad and the more she ignored them, the louder they became.

Tears began to stream down her shallow cheeks and tremors soon followed. She had been so caught up in the upcoming tests at college that she neglected herself. All Bailey wanted was to pass her exams yet unrealistic expectations weighed her down. The voices reminded her of that and they made sure to continue to add salt to the wounds their words dug into her mind. She reached for her phone and began to send a text only to stop half way through typing. ‘_He won’t care, don’t waste his time. You are worthless to him.’ _The words bounced off the inside of her head, an echoing reminder of how no matter what she did, at the end of the day it would be all for nothing.

Part of her didn’t want to act irrationally but the other part overrode any feelings of doubt. With her mind turned off, Bailey found herself downstairs once more. This time she had made her way for the safe behind a horribly potted plant. She finally sent a simple text that read, “I’m sorry for everything. I love you.” which would soon cause a string of events that would unfortunately benefit Bailey.

The gun felt cold in her hands, her skin occasionally sticking to the cool metal. Her fingers fumbled with the clip as she double-checked to make sure there was ammunition in it. That had been her father’s mistake only how could he have known about his daughter’s desires. This is what she wanted. She wanted to end the constant talking and the never-ending shadow people who always seemed to be everywhere she looked. Bailey said a small prayer before removing the safety. She could already picture her mother and father crying over her lifeless body in a matter of moments. ‘Please forgive me’ Bailey raised the gun, hovering in front of her chest.

The living room door busted open, rain hitting the wooden floor. A gasp came way before the sound of boots came that squeaked slightly. Bailey had forgotten Dylan had a key to her house… only she wished he didn’t come and had leaned on the hope that he had been asleep.

“Drop the gun; I’m here for you.” His voice broke into as many pieces as her heart did. She didn’t want him to see her like this.

“Why…” She cried, her hands shook under the weight of the gun.

“Because I’m here for you and I love you. Bailey… please don’t do this.” His plea stomped on the pieces of her heart, ensuring that they were shattered into even smaller bits.

She couldn’t speak clearly as a cough denied her of that ability. Dylan crouched in front of her and pushed her hands down. He pulled the gun away from her and looked at the person he held near and dear to his heart. That gaze crushed her, stabbing a dull knife into her chest.

“Whatever it is, it’s not worth it. Come here baby…” Her face ended up buried into his chest and tears soon soaked his shirt.

Bailey didn’t know how to tell Dylan what had been going on for almost three years. Doubt clouded her mind and tricked her into thinking that he would view her differently. That was a secret she couldn’t tell him, regarldess of how bad she might have wanted to. He would just have to accept silence for the answer that she could give and more importantly, she would have to become okay with that being her response for a while.