I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together by good intentions. Intentions are the driver behind all action but somehow I got lost along the way. Way out in the deep end do I find myself, unable to stay afloat, all expectations becoming too much. Much thought is given and I am reminded of the stitches. Stitches that hold me together slowly become undone, the horrible parts of me slipping through the cracks. Cracks in my mask and in my soul, true exhaustion makes itself known. Known by no one and loved by all, it is my flaws that says it all. All I have to do is stay afloat but as each flaw becomes real, exhaustion becomes harder to hide from.
A notebook sat blank in front of me, almost pleading to be filled with secrets. Only I had no secrets to tell, only a cluttered mind and one that was filled with a bunch of random bits of knowledge and events. The navy blue ink made contact with the white spaces and words began to occupy the emptiness. Sometimes writing was better than talking to anyone. I don’t have to worry about what others think of me this way, it’s just me, then pen and the paper. No questions. No accusations. Just my thoughts.
‘A sprinkle of pixie dust, a five letter word, and a little bit of hope can change your whole life. At least it did mine and it began when I met him. That pixie dust was the spark he ignited in me, one that I thought had died many years ago. It was the way he spoke and composed himself. His voice always soothed my nerves and somehow made me feel safe, which not many had been able to do. Anytime he looked at me with his emerald green hues, my whole world stopped for just a moment and it would be like only the two of us existed. That five letter word was Zayne. He found me when I was at my lowest and loved me regardless of what was going on. He was the hope that I needed to keep living. Zayne saved my life and without him I don’t think I would be here.’
A cramp in my hand stopped me from continuing relaying what rested on my mind. My gaze drifted to the man who changed my life who had been absorbed in a movie that played on our television. Sometimes I can’t get over that he is my life partner, but I wouldn’t change that for the world.
—content warning: suicidal thoughts—-
Pages littered the cream colored carpet, dead pens and empty post-it note packs decorating the deep green comforter. Music filled the heavy air as the notes danced with the voices and melodies. Bailey seemed to be running out of hours in the evening to study for her mid-semester exams that had been coming up within the following days. Her ability to focus had wavered on the lines of actually getting work done and just staring at pages, not processing a single word.
A light tapping came from her dark oak door.
“Come in,” Bailey’s voice was no more than a mere whisper.
The door slowly creaked open to reveal a middle-aged woman wrapped in a navy blue robe. Her hair was still damp, but dry enough to hold small waves. “Bails, honey you haven’t come down for dinner. Did you hear me call for you earlier?” There was a slight shift in her weight but Bailey barely noticed.
“Oh, sorry mama. I guess I didn’t hear you,” Bailey shuffled some note pages together before tucking them in her psychology book.
“It’s alright baby, there’s some chili on the stove and I can make you a grilled cheese if you’d like,” Bailey’s mother replied with a gentle smile.
That was Millie, always kind and generous. Bailey loved her mom for that but could never ask for more than what was already done because Bailey knew that she always did everything. The two of them went down the hall and shuffled down the stairs with little noise, minus the creaky floor boards which seemed to be every third step.
Light emanated from the kitchen, the soft glow of the fluorescents casting shadows behind every object that lay in its midst. The previous night’s dishes stacked on the counter, waiting patiently for their turn to be washed. Crackers and cheese rested on a styrofoam plate with a white empty bowl next to it. Bailey scooped one of her favorite dinners into the bowl before sitting down at the surprisingly clean dinner table. Millie poured Bailey a glass of purified water before tending to some of the pre-existing dishes in the sink.
“Thank you for dinner, mama,” Bailey said after finishing a couple spoonfuls of chili.
“Of course! Your father has already gone to bed and I will be as well. I didn’t want you to eat by yourself, plus I wanted to make sure you ate before going to bed.”
“I appreciate that. You know, I don’t mind eating by myself. I can finish the dishes for you if you want to go to bed now. I’m sure you have a long day at work tomorrow.”
“Bailey it’s okay. I can stay up with you if you want me to.”
Millie continued to work on washing dishes while Bailey made sure to get a full stomach of soup. It always made sleeping come a bit faster, at least that’s what she thought. Eventually, Millie dismissed herself and headed to bed which left Bailey to put away left overs and clean out the final dishes. Outside, rain first greeted the shingled roof before it trickled down to the ground where its final destination lie. The yellow hue of the oven light caught Bailey’s attention as she washed dishes. _11:25_ _at night… I only have eight more hours before testing begins…_ She had become so caught up in studying for the beginning of her tests the following day that she had lost track of time. Unfortunately for Bailey, but fortunately for her body, it was in her best interest to fall asleep before too much more time passed. Before she returned upstairs, Bailey double-checked that both the front door and back door had been locked. This once-over had become an evening habit of hers, after word got in the new reports that house break-ins were becoming more and more common. She didn’t want to risk it, even if her parents did lock them before going to bed.
A shadow danced along the white curtains that caught the attention of Bailey. Her heart got caught in her throat as she froze in her place. _If I just stand still…_ Fear cemented her feet to the carpet. Lighting cracked through the sky and the shadow seemed to disappear just as fast as it came. Bailey’s hands shook as she slinked back to her room.
The shadow she saw slithered around her mind as she gathered the things on her bed into an organized pile to move off to her desk that sat next to her vanity. Just off of her room rested a bathroom that Bailey had all to herself. That’s one of the things she was most grateful for, to not have to share a bathroom with her parents or any guests that came in. Bailey pulled a maroon towel from the small linen closet that was nestled in the corner of the bathroom along with a matching rag. She always had to sit everything out for her shower beforehand because if she didn’t there was a very high chance she would forget something. Steamed billowed up around the ceiling and mirror after a short time in the shower. The water _had_ to be scalding hot for Bailey, anything colder and she turned into an ice cube.
Her thoughts carried mind away to a distance place which left her body to idly lather body wash. The shower provided a safe space for Bailey and she seemed to do most of her deep thinking in the shower. It was there that she had time to reflect on the day’s events and be washed clean with the worries being sucked down the drain along with the scented bubbles. It was the one time where she didn’t have to have her guards up, she could just relax and not have her different masks on.
After Bailey had showered and washed her hair for the second time that week, she wiggled into a pair of cream satin shorts and a loose tank top that matched in color. At some point during her teenage years, a dermatologist had told her that satin clothing kept skin looking clean and it reduced skin irritation…. Or something like that, Bailey couldn’t fully remember. She settled under her comforter and relaxed into a light sleep. Images of the shadow from earlier walked along her eyelids, keeping her captive from a deeper sleep. It was instances like that where she wished she had some sort of guard dog, but even then how could she be positive of what she saw. Bailey’s mind kept turning this shadow around and inside out, unable to let it go. The shadow changed to an animal to a vehicle, only to finally end up as a familiar face. Scientists say dreams are a reflection of the days events and the worries someone has but Bailey didn’t view it like that, she liked to look at it like her mind was creating and directing a movie.
Her tired body carried her back to bed where she stared up at the ceiling only to be greeted by familiar faceless figures. Bailey’s mind had been plagued by inner demons, which most people had, yet hers took on a more physical affect. They brought different impairments with them, one of them being hallucinations. The downside for Bailey, she could never tell if they were real or fake. Her parents weren’t much help either as they couldn’t understand what she experienced on a daily basis.
Along with the disfigured shadow people came the voices. This had been something that she had not disclosed with anyone- not even her pysciatrist for fear of being labeled insane. Voices spoke to her internally and had more control over her than Bailey would have liked to admit. They drove her mad and the more she ignored them, the louder they became.
Tears began to stream down her shallow cheeks and tremors soon followed. She had been so caught up in the upcoming tests at college that she neglected herself. All Bailey wanted was to pass her exams yet unrealistic expectations weighed her down. The voices reminded her of that and they made sure to continue to add salt to the wounds their words dug into her mind. She reached for her phone and began to send a text only to stop half way through typing. ‘_He won’t care, don’t waste his time. You are worthless to him.’ _The words bounced off the inside of her head, an echoing reminder of how no matter what she did, at the end of the day it would be all for nothing.
Part of her didn’t want to act irrationally but the other part overrode any feelings of doubt. With her mind turned off, Bailey found herself downstairs once more. This time she had made her way for the safe behind a horribly potted plant. She finally sent a simple text that read, “I’m sorry for everything. I love you.” which would soon cause a string of events that would unfortunately benefit Bailey.
The gun felt cold in her hands, her skin occasionally sticking to the cool metal. Her fingers fumbled with the clip as she double-checked to make sure there was ammunition in it. That had been her father’s mistake only how could he have known about his daughter’s desires. This is what she wanted. She wanted to end the constant talking and the never-ending shadow people who always seemed to be everywhere she looked. Bailey said a small prayer before removing the safety. She could already picture her mother and father crying over her lifeless body in a matter of moments. ‘Please forgive me’ Bailey raised the gun, hovering in front of her chest.
The living room door busted open, rain hitting the wooden floor. A gasp came way before the sound of boots came that squeaked slightly. Bailey had forgotten Dylan had a key to her house… only she wished he didn’t come and had leaned on the hope that he had been asleep.
“Drop the gun; I’m here for you.” His voice broke into as many pieces as her heart did. She didn’t want him to see her like this.
“Why…” She cried, her hands shook under the weight of the gun.
“Because I’m here for you and I love you. Bailey… please don’t do this.” His plea stomped on the pieces of her heart, ensuring that they were shattered into even smaller bits.
She couldn’t speak clearly as a cough denied her of that ability. Dylan crouched in front of her and pushed her hands down. He pulled the gun away from her and looked at the person he held near and dear to his heart. That gaze crushed her, stabbing a dull knife into her chest.
“Whatever it is, it’s not worth it. Come here baby…” Her face ended up buried into his chest and tears soon soaked his shirt.
Bailey didn’t know how to tell Dylan what had been going on for almost three years. Doubt clouded her mind and tricked her into thinking that he would view her differently. That was a secret she couldn’t tell him, regarldess of how bad she might have wanted to. He would just have to accept silence for the answer that she could give and more importantly, she would have to become okay with that being her response for a while.
— not super proud of this one and definitely not my best work—
Just thinking about him makes me sick. How can such a man be so perfect and yet so disgusting at the same time? I am convinced there is a thing as ‘too perfect’, and that would be him. My thoughts slowly spiral as my finger mindlessly makes contact with the phone screen. Images of Ryan Fich insult my vision as I try to look for a single flaw. “That’s it! I can’t find a single one!” I accidentally made Kassandra jump, after all, it had been silent for roughly ten minutes. “Viv, there is no way that he is perfect. No one is perfect.” She groans. “I swear he is. Ryan does everything by the book, dressed to the nines, and not a single wrinkle can be found on his clothes. I can’t stand it!” “You can’t stand someone else being more perfect than you. Your OCD messes with your head all the time anyway.” For a moment I glare at Kassandra. The hardest thing about being friends with someone like her is that she doesn’t care whose feelings get hurt by what she says. Her words burn their way through my ears and trickle down to my heart. All the admiration I may have had for her- gone. The pathetic part of me reveals it self, painting the best scenario in my head involuntarily. “Kassi, are you hungry? I think I’m hungry…” My voice had been no more than a mere grumble. I didn’t wait for a response from her before I left my bedroom, clouded with frustration. Instead of being ugly with words, I occasionally choose an atrocious food. Some therapist I had in my younger adult years suggested cooking how I felt compared to being destructive and exhibiting behaviors that would be detrimental to my health. Once in the kitchen, I make up my mind on making dinner for my so-called friend. I “accidentally” turn the oven on a bit too high and wait for it to preheat. While the oven heats up, I begin to work on prepping peppers to be cooked on the stove. Normally you would de-seed peppers before cooking them but I leave them in so that way Kassi can experience a new level of heat, one that burns her worse than she burned me… at least that’s my hope. I search for the most over-ripe onion I have with the desire of making her feel gross on top of it. I’m pretty sure the saying is “revenge is best served cold” but I say it’s best served hot and disgusting. Garlic bread goes in the oven without a timer because my nose is pretty good at figuring out when toast is done. A dinner isn’t complete without a protein so a slimey piece of chicken gets tossed into the pan with the peppers on the stove. That’s what she is: slimey and grimey. ‘Maybe she’ll see herself in this dish when I give it to her.’ My inner voice hisses as a nasty smile creeps onto my face. Twenty minutes later, a black rock, crusty chicken and depressing peppers rest on a plate and I head back to Kassandra with them. “I made this especially for you! I hope you can taste every bit of hatred in it. Turns out I can be ugly too.” Actually, I think it’s ‘revenge is best served on a silver platter’.
Droplets of water cascaded down the window pane, each droplet seeming to have a race with another. Her eyes were fixed on the white cross in the window as she tried to push down her feelings. Nothing could have prepared her for the waves of emotions that attacked her heart repeatedly. “It’s like I was nothing to him.” Violet choked out through the uneasy breaths. Tyler sat silently next to Violet as he did his best to keep her company. Everything in him ached to give her a hug but he didn’t want to push her over the edge, more than she already had been. Tyler simply nodded his head in some sort of understanding. “Like how could he even do this to me?! I had been so good to him. I did everything right, made all the meals for him when he asked, treated him with respect and kindness… and this is what I get?!” Violet’s voice cracked as images danced around her head of her now ex-partner with another woman. “I don’t know V, what I do know is that he is a horrible man and apparently a blind one at that,” Tyler huffed. Earlier that day, William ended their year and a half relationship over a foolish reason. Violet couldn’t wrap her head around what she did wrong. William had told her that he wasn’t happy with her anymore and found her repulsing- that she didn’t have a model shaped body… whatever that meant. Shortly after her world crashed down, she called her best friend, Tyler. He had always been there for her regardless of the situation- always reliable. “Thank you Ty… I just don’t understand…” Her defeated mutters were no more than a mere whisper as tears soon blended in with the beads of water on the window, each one racing to the finish line. The young woman scooted towards Tyler and leaned her head on his shoulder. She just needed a hug or some type of physical touch to ground her. Her arms hung around Tyler’s waist, her mind clouded with emotions. He cracked a small smile and held her tight, finally knowing it had been okay to hold her. Violet inhaled deeply, trying to calm her nerves and heart down. Earthy and musky scents greeted her nose and slowly her nerves began to unwind. Tyler hummed softly and rubbed small circles on her back, something he had done anytime she got upset. “Hey… V?” “Yea?” “Can I be honest with you?” A small nod had been the only response. “It pains me to see you like this and I care about you deeply…. Nevermind today is not the day I need to say this. Are you sleepy?” Tyler sighed. “Huh… oh sorta I guess. Today has been long,” Violet nuzzled his chest. This is where she felt the safest- in the arms of her best friend. Her fingers fumbled with the bottom of his shirt which helped to ground her to the intimate moment. Tyler pulled her off of him and guided her back to her beige pillow. He pulled her white comforter over her body before he got up to turn off the bedside lights. Violet didn’t take her eyes off of him. A twinge of something pulled at her heart, almost as if to tell her something- only she was too exhausted to pay attention to it. The moonlight luminated the room and casted shadows along the walls. Tyler sat on the edge of the bed next to Violet as he hummed a small tune to her. Her eyelids began to grow heavy with tiredness and fighting it had been very difficult. “Don’t worry… I’m not going anywhere Violet, I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Tyler’s gentle voice trailed after her as she met the dreamscape waiting for her.
His silhouette was outlined by the moonlight that creeped through my mesh curtains. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, it’s like he was a god just existing. The butterflies that resided in my stomach woke up and tickled my stomach. All of the sudden, my confidence was gone. Stupid questions attacked my mind, plagued by self doubt and a lack of esteem. ‘You’re ugly.’ ‘He would never be into you.’ ‘He can do so much better than you.’ Thoughts danced and taunted me, taking me off my high pedestal that I rested on just moments ago. I shuffled to him as I tried to not trip on the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed. I had been incredibly grateful that the only light that illuminated my bedroom was the moon, my hands shook harder than the leaves on a tree in a storm. Soft music filled the room which didn’t leave a moment for awkward silence. I was so close to him I thought he could hear my heart pounding against my rib cage. My hands grazed his shoulders and went down towards his biceps. I could have sworn I felt his skin twitch slightly when I touched him. Having traced the tattoos on his arms, my lips left small kisses on his shoulders. I wanted to tell him how he made me feel but my voice had been no use, I was too nervous to say anything. Alexander turned slightly to look back at me, his eyes catching mine. God, I could get lost in his chocolate hues. My hands rubbed against Alex’s and before I knew it, my wrists were in his hands. The man leaned down to my ear, breathing heavily. A guttural noise left his throat that sent chills down my back. It was as if my body had become very hyper aware of Alexander’s body and moved accordingly. I shifted closer to him, our sweaty bodies colliding with each other. His direct eye contact sent me over the edge, I needed him. A whine left my lips as I tilted my head back, hitting the window. He had let go of my wrist and cradled the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my caramel hair. I couldn’t think straight when he touched me like this, his lips parted slightly as they moved down my neck towards my chest. My free hand slid up his side, nails dragging against Alex’s ribs. He drove me crazy and I could only hope that I did the same to him.
Everything happened in an instant. It was like one moment we were connected and then the next we weren’t. I can’t understand why he would even think that being separated from each other would be a good idea. That’s when she happened, oh how I despise her very existence. She just had to walk up to him with this gleeful, ugly ass smile and speak to him in such a way that made him cave. He was a weak man anyways, a waitress could bat her eyelashes and he would hand over his wallet. Pathetic, absolutely pathetic that man. As soon as I leave he will come crawling back, begging me to forgive him and only then will he understand that he burned that bridge.