You know what? I like him.

I definitely like him.

I like everything I’ve noticed about him -

Which is a lot, considering I’m very observant.

And yes,

My crush is concerning,

Given the fact we’ve never even had a conversation before.

But I’ll still sit here, thinking about him.

Not thinking about anything else.

Not thinking about how my “best friend” is homophobic. Not thinking about how I’ll never tell her about him, because she doesn’t get to know some of me and not all of me. Not thinking about how in just two days, I’ve all but cut her out of my heart. Is that cruel?

Not thinking about how my mom told me I need to do more, put in more effort. Not thinking about how she had every right to say that, given my screen time and how I can barely drag myself out of bed every day. What’s wrong with me?

Definitely not thinking about all the lines I swore to myself I’d never cross - that have all been crossed a million times over. Why am I like this?

Nope. Not thinking about any of that. All that’s on my mind is how I crossed him in the hallway, like, five times yesterday. (Not thinking about how it’s really, really sad that’s the best thing to happen this week.) Yep, all I’m thinking about is how his team played my team in volleyball today, And I managed not to humiliate myself. Quite remarkable, honestly. (Not thinking about how not making an utter fool of myself for five seconds is what I’m most proud of.)

Haha, see? All that’s going through my head is boys. Not depressing thoughts. No suicidal tendencies here! Feelings of self hate? Nope, only feelings about that stupid boy!

I wish that were true.