yet another night

sitting here alone

in the dim glow

of a cheap lava lamp

my mind a flip-flop

between what ifs

and what never was.

bottle's empty again

like promises

to myself to be better

to be different

to be something

other than this tangled

mess half dreamt.

somewhere a woman

might be thinking of me

and maybe she's forgotten

how I laughed

at all those wrong moments

and cringed inside

hoping no one

would see.

love is a joke

we tell to ourselves

to make silence bearable

but in the dead of night,

in a stilled world

under a sliver of silver moon

wrapped in creeping regret

I wonder

if that cheap punchline

was worth its setup

I light a cigarette

watch its smoke curl

a question mark

in dusty air

and wonder again

if every touch

is a collision

is every word

a gamble

more likely

a knife and a hack

at dreams

we might’ve shared.

mixed emotions,

they call it

but it feels more like

slow disintegration

peeling away

layers until

all that's left

is raw heart

that’s been broken

too many times.

my cat yawns

and my clock ticks

while I sit here

wondering if tomorrow

will bring some new pain

more likely just the same.

another night

another poem

another bottle

another cigarette.

maybe next time

I'll get it right

maybe next time

I’ll love her

open, true and clear

so she’ll love me back

or more likely

I’ll fail.

again.