March 12th - Danny

I chickened out again. This time I got as far as saying ‘I have something important I need to tell you’, but when it came down to it I couldn't actually say it. He looked at me so, I don't know, like he was worried. His face always gets soft when his worried, like his whole body knows he needs to be gentle.

Caleb has always been way more gentle with me than with anyone else. He probably doesn't notice, but he never puts on the tough black boy persona with me. It might be because we've known each other practically our whole lives, but I like to think our relationship is different. I can't believe I just wrote that down, how embarrassing.

Anyway, I panicked when he looked at me like that, so I told him that I thought my moms were going to get a divorce. I have no idea why that was the first thing that popped into my head. But now I'm screwed. He loves my moms like they are a second set of parents. He's supposed to be coming over this weekend for a family diner, so I need to fix this by then. But, I don't know how.

March 15th - Danny

It’s Friday. I'm going over to Caleb’s tonight for our regular movie night and I've spent hours trying to figure out what to say. I probably have ten minutes until mama knocks on my door to ask if I'm ready to go and I'm no closer to figuring out how to talk to Caleb than I was two hours ago. You'd think this wouldn't be that hard since we've known each other forever, but that makes it even harder, I think. His opinion is the only one that really matters.

I need all the luck tonight, its my last chance to figure this out before family dinner.

March 15th - Caleb

My therapist told me writing down my feelings might actually help me feel them. But, what if I don't want to feel them? It’s easier if I don't, right? I don't hear any of my friends talking about their feelings, and some of them are going through harder shit than me. But, my therapist will be checking to see that I've done my homework so I might as well try...I guess.

I didn't think my parents divorce would land me here. Not that therapy is anything to be ashamed of, but this has more to do with them than it does me. I’m honestly relieved they're finally getting a divorce, even though it’s hard for mom to make rent now. At least they aren’t constantly yelling at each other anymore. And maybe the court will actually get dad to pay child support, I won’t be 18 for more than year and Kai is only 15.

I don't know what else I am supposed to write.

Everything else in my life is pretty normal, sure I'm not doing that great in school, but l’m not failing either. And I’d rather draw anyway. Mr Brennen thinks I could get into art school. But, I’d need to be good enough to get a scholarship to make that happen.

Anyway, Danny is coming over in an hour and I'm going to try to convince him to watch this new slasher film that’s getting the worst reviews. It’s going to be epic. Until next time, I guess.

March 16th - Danny

I did it. But I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it. Yes, I knew you're not a real person and I'm not really talking, but I haven't even sorted out my feelings yet.

March 16th - Caleb

So, I didn’t think writing here was going to be helpful but something happened last night and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Maybe there’s something to writing it down? Worth a try, right?

I kissed Danny. Yep, I've never kissed a boy before and the first boy I kiss is my best friend. When he came over last night I knew something was up, he was acting all weird and nervous, and he never gets nervous around me.

First, he told me he lied about his mom's getting a divorce, which was a shock, and with everything my family has been going through I didn't think he would lie to me about something like that. At first I was mad, like fuming out of my ears kind of mad. But something about the look on his face, there was definitely more to it and he looked, almost panicked. An expression I’d never seen in his face before.

He wouldn't make eye contact, he was fidgeting with his hands and biting his lip when he finally blurted out, "I have a crush on a boy." When he looked up at me his cheeks were pink and he had tears in his eyes. Without thinking I leaned forward and kissed him.

He was surprised, but he did kiss the back. Which is good, I think. He was so, soft. Is it weird to call a boy soft? Whatever, I didn’t expect his mouth to be so soft, since he’s kind of a tough boy.

But anyway, after a moment he pulled away and asked me about the movie I wanted to watch and we didn't talk about it again. And on top of that it was the most awkward goodbye. I wanted to kiss him again, but I have no idea if he wanted me to. I tried to go in for a hug, but he reached out his hand and fist bumped me. Ugh.

I'm not sure who his crush is, or if I made it clear I like boys. This is a disaster.

March 16th - Danny

Okay, I need to talk about this and usually I would talk to Caleb, but he's the last person I want to talk to right now.

So I said I did it, but I only sort of did. I know, I'm a mess.

For some reason saying the words I'm gay feels impossible. I know that’s ridiculous considering my moms are gay, but there isn't a single gay kid at school and growing up in the middle of nowhere isn’t exactly the best place to be gay. Guys at school who still use the f word to make fun of the slightly less masculine boys in class. Gross. And sure, I’m not femme but it’s a huge deal to be out in this town. I guess, it’s a huge deal to be out anywhere, but it feels harder in a place like this. I feel, so alone.

Anyway, so rather than telling Caleb I’m gay, I told him I have a crush on a boy. Which is technically true and gets my point across. But rather than saying anything he kissed me. And I kissed him back. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Don’t get me wrong, I _wanted _to kiss him, but like, why did he kiss me? Was it pity?

I feel like I need to hide forever but he’s coming over for dinner Sunday. I have no idea how I’m going to be around him. It’s going to be weird and then moms are going to know something is up and ask.

I really can’t lose my best friend. There is no way I will survive the rest of high school without him. I didn’t expect it to go like this.

March 17th - Caleb

I’m going to Danny’s soon and I need to tell him I like boys too. How can I do that without being weird?

March 17th - Caleb

I told Danny I like boys, his only response was ‘cool.’ What am I supposed to do with that?

March 22nd - Danny

It’s movie night and I’m not sure I should go. I know that’s silly, Caleb and I have been doing Friday night movie night since forever. I definitely don’t have a good enough excuse to cancel, but I don’t want to watch movies. Everything has changed.

Okay, I know that sounds a little dramatic. We talked briefly at family dinner last weekend and Caleb told me he’s into boys. He’s not sure if he’s bisexual or what yet, but at least I know it wasn’t a pity kiss. I think, at least. The rest of the week we pretended everything was normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. I have no idea if he sees me as more than a friend, or if he ever will.

Spending all night together just the two of us is a bad idea.

March 23rd - Danny

So…..I went to movie night and it was…honestly I don’t even know what it was. It was weird, but not in the way I expected AT ALL.

We had the same argument we always do about which movie to watch first. Caleb loves his crappy thrillers and gruesome horror movies where I am more of a hallmark rom com kind of boy. Caleb is the only boy that knows that though. I will take that one to the grave.

Of course Caleb won, like usual, but he sat so much closer to me. Sure, it’s not a big couch, but normally we each lean towards our own arm rests, check our phones and such, but last night he sat right in the middle, his hand only a few inches from mind. Was I imagining it? I don’t think so, but maybe? Am I over thinking it? Most definitely.

But also, when we ate pizza between his movie and mine, he sat on the floor, practically right between my legs. It was impossible not to brush up against his back every time I reached for a slice. Not that I minded, he has such a strong back from playing basketball with his neighbourhood friends. But did he sit there on purpose? Did he notice each time I brushed up against him? Did he want me to?

This is why I don’t date. Well, and the fact that there aren’t any out gay boys in this entire city.

March 23rd - Caleb

Two things:

One, I hate that my therapist was right; this is working.

Two, why are boys impossible? I know I should talk to Danny, but what if he has a crush on someone else? Then, if I say something it will just be awkward. Things have been mostly back to normal this week. But, movie night. Oh my fuck, movie night.

I was, I dunno, trying to flirt or whatever. But I don’t think Danny was picking up my signs. Or, maybe he was, just ignoring them. But, he did lean over me quite a few times to grab pizza, I could practically feel his breath on the back of my neck.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, he didn’t wear his typical grey sweatpants and hockey T-shirt either. He wore these dark blue joggers and tight black v neck. I’ve never had his muscles so, in my face before, but wow.

Sure, I’m around the boys in the neighborhood all the time, and I’ve noticed.p so e of them. But they’re always in their baggy basketball shorts and tank tops, and they’re all long and lanky. Most of them haven’t filled out yet. Still look like boys, ya know? But something about the… what would I call Danny? A thick hockey boy? Wow, not sure that’s what I mean, but he’s broad and has thick muscular legs, which, I’ve never noticed before. But that’s not the point. I have no idea if he likes me, no idea if he’d ever be into a boy like me.

Yes we’ve been best friends forever, but we are so completely different.

March 24th - Danny

I’ve been staring at my phone since I first opened my eyes this morning willling Caleb to text. He’s into boys but would he ever be into a jock like me?

Fuck it, I’m calling him.