I met my younger self for coffee at 10am on a Friday. She was early, standing anxiously at the door. I was right on time. I wore an over sized hoodie and faded jeans. She didn’t recognize me. Glanced down at her phone, just as I said “hello!”
Her long, brown hair fell into her face as
she looked up and met my eye. stuttered out an awkward “hi”
it sounded a lot more like a question, than a greeting.
But I smiled and she saw her face reflected in mine.
I ordered a chai latte. I'd already had my morning coffee. She said “I’ll have the same!”
When we sat down at the corner table she said, "I've always wanted to dye my hair" She smiled as she studied my face, dark eyebrows strong jawline, subtle hint of a beard
Finally, she asked, “Are you happy?” I didn't say, yes. Instead, I said “I am the most myself I have ever been” A single tear rolled down her cheek She said, "I'm sacred" I said, "Me too, life is scary and we don't know what we are doing. But do it scared, you'll be happy you did"
As she got up to leave she asked, "What do people call you now?" Emory, and I used he and they pronouns don't be afraid to be the boy you were always meant to be
“Faggots!” The word pierced through the noise of the city and I couldn’t help but look around to see where it had come from. Vancouver is a fairly queer-friendly city, so it isn’t too common to hear slurs thrown around from strangers. At least not where I live.
I glanced around as I crossed the busy street and saw an older man crossing the same direction as me and my partner but on the other side of the road. When he caught my eye, he raised his arm, then flopped down his wrist in the universal limp wrist symbol for ‘gay’. He yelled again, but this time the sound of passing cars drowned him out.
As short laugh escaped my lips as I turned away from this absurd man standing on the corner yelling at two boys on the sidewalk. No one else paid him any mind.
“Was that directed at us?” My partner asked as he glanced back toward the intersection before turning toward the Shoppers Drug Mart, the closest store to home where we could stock up on snacks for movie night.
“I think so,” I shrugged.
“What an asshole.”
“I mean…he’s not wrong,” I laughed again as I followed my partner through the automatic doors and unzipped my sweater.
As I walked through the store my thoughts kept coming back to the man on the corner. There was nothing particularly interesting about him. He looked like an average sixties something man with dark, greying hair and he dressed in the typical Vancouver fashion, joggers and a light sweater.
He didn’t follow us into the store, and even if he had, I wasn’t worried about my safety with my 6’2 partner, which I definitely acknowledge is a luxury compared to other queer couples. But the thought I kept circling back to was _he saw me as a boy! _For a trans guy, who at that point had only been on hormones for a few years, it actually felt incredible validating to have someone see me as a boy, even if it came out such a vulgar way. But, _shouldn’t I be more pissed off by his words? _
My stomach churned as I waited at the same intersection tossing these thoughts around. _Am I allowed to be pissed off while also feeling validated at the same time? _ __ __ I didn’t have an answer, so I texted one of my trans friends and relayed what happened.
Less than thirty minutes later, I was sitting curled up on the couch with my partner surrounded by a pile of snacks watching a rom com.
I'm on my way! Marcus tapped into his phone as he settled into the back seat of the bus and pulled up his hood. It would be about forty five minutes on the bus to get to the ferry and then at least another hour until he would be climbing into the passenger seat of his boys truck, but he was already nervous. This was the first time making the trip up to the coast and even though there really wasn't any pressure, he wanted everything to be perfect.
When his screen it up with a response Marcus's stomach flipped, he almost couldn't believe he would be kissing that sweet boy in just a few hours. They would get the entire weekend together, a first in the two years they’d known each other.
Can't wait! But, I've been thinking... I feel like I need to be more vocal about being a daddy this weekend. Like I really need to make you be a good boy for me. Daniel ended the message with a purple devil emoji, and Marcus immediately blushed. He looked up at the other passengers on the bus like somehow they could read his dirty thoughts then slid down in his seat.
His heart thumped in his ears and he chewed on his bottom lip as he stared down at the screen unsure what to say. Of course he wanted to be a good obedient boy for daddy, but he was tongue tied. Before he could respond, Daniel followed up with,_ How does that sound?_ Of course, ending that message with a winking face.
As the city slowly faded into the background the two messaged back and forth about the amazing sex they were going to have. Marcus could feel his tiny cock throbbing as he thought about being forced to his knees.
When he saw Daniel standing outside of his truck waiting for him to arrive, he felt like he was in a rom com. He looked like a country boy in his jeans, flannel and backwards hat, but damn he was hot. And the way that he smiled, like he held a secret between his teeth.
Halfway back to his house Daniel pulled over to the side of the road and said, "Fuck, I already can't stand it.”
"Stand what?" Marcus asked.
“How bad I want to fuck you," he said with a smirk, quickly scooting across the front seat of the truck and pulling Marcus into an almost kiss by grabbing the hair at the base of his neck. But he didn't let their lips touch. Tension crackled around them as Marcus slowly melted against Daniel’s body, desperate for that mouth on his. When he tried to lean forward, Daniel stopped him by tightening his grip. He smirked, lips gently parted, beautiful blue eyes shining. Marcus looked up at him like the desperate little bottom he is but stayed silent waiting for instructions.
When they finally kissed, Marcus sighed into Daniel’s mouth. It was gentle at first, soft lips and gentle tongues. But quickly tongues turned to teeth as the heat between them grew. Hands grasped at body parts desperate to feel to close every inch of distance between them.
Marcus slid his hand along Daniel’s thigh and a noise that sounded almost like a growl came from his throat. “You want to see how hard you make me?" He asked, pulling back just enough to look into Marcus’s eyes. He slid his hand down Marcus’s cheek, across his bottom lip and then slowly slipped his thumb into his mouth. Not trusting himself to speak, Marcus nodded.
Daniel made quick work of unblocking his belt and unbuttoning his jeans while Marcus practically drooled in the seat next to him ready to watch those big hands stroke that cock.
“Want to suck me?” Daniel asked with a grin as he stroked his cock.
“Yes!” Marcus answered enthusiastically planting a wet kiss on his lips before leaning forward.
Daniel stopped him with a large hand on his shoulder and tipped Marcus’s face up so they eyes met. “You mean, yes, daddy?” He asked.
“Yes, daddy. I want to suck your cock.” Marcus quickly responded before sliding his tongue down the length of his shaft and groaning at the taste.
He licked and sucked at the tip before taking him fully in his mouth.
Daniel ran his fingers through his hair as he leaned back watching his boy generously lick and suck. “You’re such a good boy,” he praised as he ran a hand down Marcus’s back. “But I think you can take more.” His hand shifted back to the base of Marcus’s neck and he pressed his head down forcing his cock further into the back of his throat.
“That’s a good boy,” he said again and Marcus lapped it up. He groaned onto Daniel’s cock as he felt it throb between his lips. He loved the taste and was so desperate to please.
“I know you can take it all,” Daniel said as he pressed on the back of Marcus’s head. He gagged hard but Daniel pressed again forcing his cock into the back of his throat. After three deep thrusts he let Marcus breathe, he took a deep breath in, letting the wetness drip from his mouth before immediately going back to licking and sucking at the lip.
"It was epic! I've never experienced a ride th. at before. Like, the most immersive experience ever! I can't-" Connor’s phone lit up on the table, it read,
Text Message _ Melissa Clark __ __ He glanced at it, expecting it to be his boss asking him to come in early for his shift like he did almost every Saturday. But when he saw her name, his mind went blank and he immediately started to panic. It had been nearly a month since the last message where they had agreed that it wasn't going to work for them to stay friends. _What could she possibly have to say?
"Are you okay?" Jasper asked, bringing Connor back into the room.
He looked up at his best friend who sat clutching his happy faced mug of coffee and was staring at him with a concerned expression on his face.
Jasper pressed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and adjusted in the hard wooden coffee shop chair. He was terrible with silence but know that he had to give Connor a moment to collect himself.
After a moment Connor took a deep breath and turned his phone around so Jasper could see the preview that had popped up on his Lock Screen on top of the beautiful picture he'd taken at the hotel pool in California.
Jaspers dark eyes widened, "Do you want to read it here?"
Connor looked around the coffee shop, it was that weird time after lunch only an har or so before they closed for the day, so it wasn't busy. All the way across the room was a young mother a who was obviously preoccupied with a young one in a stroller and another kid sitting at her feet playing with toy trucks on the floor. The only other people in the room where a couple older gentlemen playing cards.
"I guess,” he said picking up and unlocking his phone. Almost as quickly as he picked it up, he set it back down on the table and put his head in his hands.
"Whatever it is, we can handle it." Jasper tried to reassure him. " I’ll help you write a response. I promise she's not going to walk back into your life and make a mess of things."
When Connor lifted his head there were tears in his eyes. His soft brown hair was plastered to his forehead and his lip quivered as he said, "I think she's going to do exactly that. She's pregnant.”
"But, how?”
"I mean, I don't think she did this to purposely mess up my life. Of course she didn't, she never wanted this. But fuck, how am I supposed to pay for a kid? I was trying to save up to finally go to college. Wait," Connor interrupted himself to look at Jasper who was running his hands through his thick dark hair. "Did you just ask how? I'm pretty sure you know where babies come from even though you're fucking dudes.”
For a moment they laughed. But a tear quietly ran down Connors face.
You cross your fingers as you unlock the mail box on the first floor of your apartment building. Today is day number sixty three of this ritual, but this is something you have been waiting a life time for. Since the very first time you wrote your name. Of course year parents gave you a complicated name so it took several more months than some of your peers to learn how to spell it correctly. Back then when you asked your parents to call you_ Ryan _they laughed, said your name was pretty and that you would get used to it. Your mother told you that she hadn't liked her name when she was your age either, but now, she loved having a unique name.
When you slide out the small stack of mail and see an envelope from the Government of Canada, you squeal then quickly look around to make sure no one heard. You dash to the elevator and press the button for the tenth floor with more enthusiasm than you probably ever have.
Its the slowest ride ever up to your apartment with the envelope clutched to your chest. For a moment you consider tearing it open right there but think this is something you want to read alone in your apartment.
When you unlock the door Lucy is there to great you. She screams and winds her way between your feet flicking her tail as you my to untie your shoes. After a few failed attempts you give up and slump down onto the concrete floor of your apartment and lean up against the door.
Before you tear the envelope open you pause and take a deep breathe, this is the day you've been waiting for.
They had only been dating for one month when Jake casually laughed out, "this is exactly why I love you."
The second the words left his lips his eyes went wide with panic. They hadn’t even decided if they were boyfriends yet,_ he couldn’t love him yet, could he? _Jake was known for blurting out the most random honest confessions after he'd had a couple beers, his last confession had been about peeling in the shower, not something any of his friends needed to know. But confessions of love? This, this was new to him, and he couldn’t even blame it on being drunk.
After a few moments of being completely absorbed in his own spiralling thoughts, beer held awkwardly midway between the table and his mouth, he realized the conversation around him had moved on. The bar erupted into cheers at whatever sports game was playing on the TV above his head. But when he looked up, the on,y thing he noticed was Ryan looking right at him.
Jake took a sip of beer as casually as possible, trying not to let his hand shake as he analyzed Ryans expression. He didn’t look shocked. He looked playful, like he was waiting with curiosity to see what would came out of Jake's mouth next. His fluffy blonde hair fell over one eye and he batted it away absentmindedly without breaking eye contact, then raised an eyebrow as if asking a question.
A blush rose into Jake's cheeks, but he was thankful that his darker complexion hid it some as Marcus, the friend sitting beside him, leaned over, put his arm around Jake's shoulders and asked, "did you see that? That goal was epic."
Of course Jake had no idea what he was talking about, he never payed attention to the game during these nights out, it was just a good excuse to get out with the boys mid week. He missed boys nights now that some of them were starting to get married and have kids. But before he had a chance to make up an answer, Marcus was pulled back to the excitement on the TV.
When Jake turned back toward Ryan, he slid his hands across the table but still didn't say a word. His heart beat in his throat as he reached out and laced their fingers together. Suddenly, he realized this is the first guy who had came out to game night without needing to be convinced, and he wasn't afraid to show affection in front of the boys.
This one is a keeper, he thought as his lifted his eyes from Ryans soft hands to meet his eyes again. A wide grin spread across his face as he stared at the beautiful boy who looked so at home sitting in this dive bar among his oldest and rowdiest friends.
As the crowd erupted in cheers again Ryan squeezed his hand and mouthed,_ I love you too._
The show was about to start. Alex tapped their foot and absentmindedly ripped tiny pieces of paper from the sheet they held in their hands. They’d been attending this show for almost a month, writing almost their entire life, but that night was the first time they’d decided to get up on stage.
The MC was dong their pre-show spiel, trying to get the crowd all riled up. The people seated around them cheered and banged on the table, but Alex kept their head down as their stomach did somersaults.
As the cheering died down, their partner, Storm, waved her hand to get their attention, but Alex's eyes didn't leave the paper clutched in their hands. Yesterday their fingers had been nearly perfectly manicured, but today almost all of them were chipped and two had broken off completely. Storm watched as they chewed on their thumb. They were such a beautiful idiot.
After Storm said there name three times while the MC explained the rules in the background, she tapped her foot against Alex’s under the table.
"Ow! What was that for?" Alex asked, finally looking up and narrowing their eyes. Their curls had gittten just long enough a few fell across their face as the scowled. "That didn't hurt, you baby,” she laughed. "I was trying to get your attention, but you were oblivious. You need to relax." They sighed, eyes softening as they looked across the table at their partner. Storm held her hands out palms up and they took them. After a minute they said," I don't know if I can do this.”
Just as storm said, “You can." The MC called,_ Alex Baker! _Of course they drew the short end of the stick and their name was drawn first.
Alex looked like they were going to puke as they stood nearly knocking over their chair in the process. They swallowed hard, grabbed the piece of paper that was now sitting on the top of the the small wooden table and fumbled their way to the stage, weaving around the other tables that crowded the tiny space. Everyone in the room was silent. As they reached the edge of the stage the mc smiled and stepped down to allow them to step up to the mic. at that exact moment, Alex's foot caught on the bottom step to the stage and they fell hard, hands landing on the platform of the stage and their paper fluttering to the floor. In the audience, storm gasped, she stood, but resisted rushing to the edge of the stage.
As Alex stood, face beat red, an audience member grabbed their paper and handed it to them and asked, "are you okay?" Alex was pretty sure this stranger was a regular, they had definitely seen them here before. It was impossible not to remember a six foot fall androgynous babe who always ware black combat bootsvvvb with the cutest_ femme outfits. Today, they were wearing a _white dress with sunflowers on it. Alex smiled and nodded at them even though they were on the verge of tears.
As they grabbed the paper, the stranger whispered, "you got this!”
The beach is the best place to be just before sunset. To watch the blazing hot sun of late afternoon, slowly disappear over the horizon leaving the sky a perfect shade of cotton candy. I wish I could reach out and grab a handful, feel it slowly dissolve on the tip of my tongue. I wonder what a sunset would taste like.
I want to play at the edge of water, just before it gets too cold to swim. Wiggle my toes into the warm sand.
I want to paint the sunset on the back of my eyelids so I can always remember the way the sun reflects sherbet onto the surface of the ocean.
Her hands trembled as she read the note on her windshield: 'I know your secret.’ Nervously, she scanned the parking lot filled with regular people. Who could possibly know? She had been so careful. She rubbed the soft spot on the back of her neck abstinent mindedly.
There wasn't anything particularly interesting about the note. It was written on a piece of lined paper that looked like it had been torn from a notebook. And the words were scrawled messily in blue ink like the person who wrote it was in a hurry. Why would they leave it here of all places? The University parking lot was a wide open space in the middle of nowhere. It could have easily been grabbed by someone else or blown away.
Wait, how did they know her car?
When she looked up, she noticed a man standing a few cars away. He had one hand on the door of his black Tesla, but he’d paused and was looking at her curiously. One thick black eyebrow was raised and he looked as though he wanted to say something. She smiled, raised the piece of paper and said, "Old school communication."
The stranger laughed. "I love it. Are you an English major?" He let go of the handle on his car and walked a few steps toward her.
She quickly scanned his features to determine if she’d met him before. Curly black hair, long but tied up messily on the top of his head. Big, round eyes, looked green but he was standing just far enough away she couldn't quite tell. Thick, pink lips and a few freckles across his nose. The results were inconclusive, there were too many boys here that looked exactly the same.
The scan only took a few seconds, but he was already staring again.
He asked a question, she reminded herself. "Oh, no, I'm actually a psychology major. What about you?" As soon as the question left her lips she regretted it. She didn’t mean to invite a conversation with this man, no matter how pretty he was. Was he pretty? She needed to get home so she could analyze the note. Captain would be furious if she was discovered.
"Psychology makes sense," he answered. "You seem really thoughtful. That's probably a weird thing to say.” He bit his lip. “I'm a math major, so I'm not all that good with people. My name is Jason, by the way."
“I'm Azure.” She smiled and tightened her hands on the strap of her backpack. “And you seem plenty fine at people to me.” She hadn't had enough conversations with people to know how to politely to get out of this one. And what if he happened to be the note writer? It seemed unlikely but she didn't have any leads yet.
“That’s kind of you to say.” He took a few more steps forward so he was standing only a few feet away. "I was about to go to the campus bar to study, do you want to join?” He smiled in that way that made Azure believe he was desperate for her to say yes.** **This is one of those moments where she wished she had inherited her mothers mind reading skills.
Learning to understand boys like him _was _part of the job too, the note could wait a couple of hours. “Okay, but let's walk,” she suggested, knowing she couldn't risk him getting into her car. It looked normal on the outside but the tech inside wouldn’t be familiar to him. And there was no way she was going to get into his car.
"Sure," he shrugged. "Where are you from by the way? I can't place your accent.”
Her heart jumped into her throat as she stuffed the note into the top of her backpack. Before turning back to face him she took a deep breath, she’d been put on the spot many times during training, she could do this. And it was normal for people to ask where you’re from, she knew that.
"I moved around a lot growing up. So, my accent isn’t really from anywhere in particular."
…
At the bar she fumbled through what to order and ended up with a beer that was much more bitter than she liked but would never admit it. After they’d touched their glasses together in what he’d called cheers, Azure reached down, unzippped her bag and took out her social psychology textbook book.
“Oh, you actually want to study?” Jason asked, surprised.
“Isn’t that what we came here for?”
"That is what I said," Jason paused and looked at her in that strange way again. "But, I guess I was hoping we could just talk." Blush rose into his cheeks and he looked away.
"Oh, yeah we can talk." She didn’t understand why people didn’t just say what they meant. Azure closed her text book and folded her hands on top of it. "So….the reason I’m actually taking psychology is because I don’t really understand people.” She didn’t blush, but she nervously rubbed her thumbs together. When Jason didn’t say anything she continued. “I know it’s pretty embarrassing to be twenty two and not know how to interact with people, but I moved around so much that I stopped trying to make friends by the time I was thirteen. How’s that for an overshare?”
Jason laughed hard like it had escaped his body even before he was aware that it was coming. But he quickly put his hand over his mouth. "Sorry," he blushed again. “I swear I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing because I get it. Not that I moved around a lot, but I definitely didn't have that many friends growing up. I was one of those kids who spent most of his free time with one friend in my parents basement playing videogames. Now, that definitely makes me sound really cool. Want to be friends?” He laughed again, but this time it sounded different, maybe like he was a bit uncomfortable.
"I mean, making friends is kind of part of my homework.” Azure took another big sip of her beer and even though she was only about a third of the way through the glass, she could feel it in her cheeks.
"Yes!" Jason answered much more enthusiastically than she anticipated. "Us hanging out can actually be studying!"
After two hours and another beer, this time something a lot more fruity, she realized she needs to get out of there or she was going to say something she’d regret. So she pushed back her chair and announced, “I better go and get some actual studying done.”
“Wait! Let me at least get your number.”
Azure didn't have a regular number, but she had downloaded a couple of apps so she could communicate with her teachers. She scanned quickly through the options to determine which would make her seem the least dorky. “Do you have Discord?" She asked. He nodded and she pushed her notebookacross the table so he could write down his username.
"I’m going to stay and actually study, but it was nice to meet you." Jason said as he pushed a loose strand of hair behind his ear. He looked like he was going to stand but decided against it.
"Nice to meet you too," for the first time Azure felt like she actually meant it.
Back at her car, Azure was still thinking about her time with Jason. He was a bit of a weirdo but in a way that made her feel, almost comfortable. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts she almost didn't notice the note on her windshield. This time it read: ‘You don't think you can be normal, do you?’
